MONDAY, MARCH 20
Life is hard for a lot of people right now, dears: Immigrants. Minorities. Gay, lesbian, and transgender people. The poor and the persecuted; the war-torn and the oppressed. Oh, and every woman on the planet. But one piteous soul is the most unfortunate of all: Tim Allen! “What I find odd in Hollywood is that they didn’t like Trump because he was a bully,” the conservative Allen complained to Megyn Kelly in November, shortly after Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, somehow became president anyway and doomed Earth to burn in a reeking inferno of hellfire. “But if you had any kind of inkling that you were for Trump, you got bullied for doing that,” Allen whined. Alas, Allen’s oh-so-difficult life has only gotten harder! Last week on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Allen reminisced about attending Trump’s inauguration, bemoaning how difficult it is to be open about his shitty politics. “You gotta be real careful around here, you know,” said Allen, a rich white man. “You’ll get beat up if you don’t believe what everybody believes. This is like ’30s Germany!” Hmm. Let’s just let that sink in for a minute.