If Clinton sweeps the middle states, it will be hard not to call her the presumptive nominee. But if Sanders pulls a Michigan again, then this things not over!
If Clinton sweeps the middle states, it will be hard not to call her the presumptive nominee. But if Sanders pulls a Michigan again, then this thing’s not over! Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com

It’s the Ides of March AND the third Super Tuesday of the year, which means somebody’s gonna wind up in a pool of political blood by the end of the day. Will Rubio lose his home state of Florida and drop out? Likely! Will Kasich lose his home state of Ohio and slow Trump’s rise to Grand Imperial Republican Nominee Wizard? Perhaps! Cruz might give Trump a run for his money in my home state of Missouri and other peoples‘ home state of Illinois, which would help slow his roll. But if Trump wins all five contests tonight, it’ll be hard not to call him the presumptive nominee. He already dominated the Republican caucus in Northern Mariana Island.

On the blue side, polls show Clinton poised to clobber Sanders in Florida and North Carolina, but she’s only up by a hair in Ohio and Illinois. The two are neck and neck in Missouri. If Sanders can take the Big 12 states, he might be able to build enough momentum to take him well into June. It’s possible! After all, he did pull that big upset in Michigan! Though, the nerds at FiveThirtyEight promise that such a thing is unlikely to happen again.

Anyhow, here’s the states who voted today: North Carolina, Missouri, Illinois, Ohio, Florida.

Republican delegates up for grabs: 358 (1,237 needed to win)
Democratic delegates up for grabs: 691 (2,383 needed to win)

Current Delegate count:

GOP

Trump: 469
Cruz: 369
Rubio: 163
Kasich: 63

Dems

Clinton: 768
Sanders: 554

Now let’s sit back and watch the votes trickle in:

4:50 pm: Polls have closed on the east coast, and the very early numbers are trickling in from what looks like a syphilitic Floridian wang.

just_the_tip..png
New York Times

Here, the New York Times presents the counties in colors that represent various stages of a penis that will soon be covered with a Trump rash, slightly spotted with Rubio sores. Cruz’s yellow discharge has yet to make an appearance.

4:56 pm: At this point, only the penis tip part of Florida prefers Rubio. Juuuuuuust the tip. Hey Rubio, here’s your new slogan: Rubio, Just the Tip! or Rubio: Florida’s Foreskin!

4:57 pm: Programming note: I have decided to call this Super Tuesday 2.5. Some news outlets (like TIME) are calling this Super Tuesday II, because the results of the March 15 race often let you know who’s got the best shot for the nom. But other news outlets (like CNN) are including last week’s Mini-Super Tuesday in their count and calling today’s contest Super Tuesday III. Sanders’s Michigan upset was impressive and exciting, but not much else happened. I’ll split the difference and call this Super Tuesday 2.5.

5:05 pm: NBC is calling Florida for Trump and Clinton. I just want to add that it DOES still count if its just the tip, but not in a winner-take-all state. Sorry, Pubio.

5:08 pm: Just to add to that last update: Hillary’s rocking 65 percent of the votes with 66 percent reporting in. Trump’s locked down 45 percent of the vote with 57 percent reporting in.

5:11 pm: Meanwhile, Trump is drunk on his own power still cursing Megyn Kelly:

Since Trump’s in the mood for randomly slinging insults, let’s take a moment an remember these sweet burns, courtesy of the sitting president:

5:17 pm: Rubio’s making a speech now that Florida’s been called for Trump. He’s beating up the republican party the way he should have been beating up Trump the whole time he was running:

5:23 pm: “While it’s clear that we’re on the right side, it’s clear that we won’t be on the winning side,” Rubio just said about his own campaign and now he’s talking about his parents voting for him. JUST SAY IT, RUBIO: IT’S OVER. Close up shop. And get the state of Florida to a Planned Parenthood.

5:24 pm: “My campaign is suspended.” Rubio’s out.

5:25 pm: Rubio’s expressing his gratitude for God, while the NYT is calling North Carolina for Clinton.

5:35 pm: A Rubio presidency wasn’t in “God’s plan,” says Rubio. If Rubio’s tapped into the big man upstairs, maybe he should ask Him why His plan involved such a mean spanking in Florida. Rubio’s currently losing by nearly 400,000 votes. Oof.

5:36 pm: Meanwhile, Cruz doesn’t at this point appear to be threatening the orange ball of hate at all. I’m fine with that. If Trump wins the nomination, he loses to Hillary or Sanders. Why would anyone be afraid to run against the modern George Wallace. The discourse will sink to new lows, but the Dems will win and everyone else will give the GOP the side-eye either for letting Trump happen or not being behind him as he was winning. Would be nice if his supporters didn’t punch people and threaten to kill people, though.

5:45 pm: The NYT is calling Ohio for Clinton. Sorry, brahs! Bernie did manage to take Athens, Ohio—home of my old alma mater. Go Bobcats! Anyway, doesn’t look like Bernie’s going to pull another Michigan in Ohio after all.

5:51 pm: John Kasich just won Ohio. Great. Now we get to watch him hobble along to the fucking convention.

6:03 pm: Hillary’s speaking. She says the next president needs to bring the country together again. I wish that wasn’t such a divisive thing for her to say.

6:13 pm: Clinton’s banging up on Trump, saying that the next Commander in Chief needs to not embarrass us on the world stage. The next president needs to not be blustery, needs to not be racist. Sanders hasn’t given up running for president yet, but Clinton’s given up on running against him:

6:21 pm: Republicans in college towns seem to be going for Cruz. I’m imagining what it’s like to be holed up in a dorm lobby with a bunch of young republicans who idolize Cruz and I’m trying not to jump out the window.

6:25 pm: Hahahaha. Hahahahahahhahaha.

6:27 pm: Hillary beat Bernie by 30 percent in Florida. Oy vey!

6:37 pm: Trump’s definitely pulling away in Missouri—the college towns have already reported in—so it looks like he’ll probably snag it soon. He’s also doing well in Illinois, so this guy might be right:

6:42 pm: And just like that, Trump wins Illinois. NBC just called it. Right now there are 88,000 people in Cook county who voted for Trump. That blows my mind.

6:46 pm: Bernie’s leading MO right now. Boone County and St. Louis county could come through for him.

7:00 pm: Trump is talking now. He says “We have to bring our party together.” If you don’t all come together, you better believe his campaign manager is going to make you come together.

7:10 pm: Trump says we need to make America great again, but then he says: “We need the rich in order to make the great, I’m sorry to tell you.” The rich aren’t voting for Trump. He’s gas-lighting his own people now.

7:11 pm: Now Trump is talking about watching anti-Trump commercials on the golf course and feeling a little sad about seeing them. There’s some weird part of me that wants this whole race to be decided in a head-to-head golf tournament. Does Hillary golf?

7:49 pm: Here’s Trump’s speech—fast-forward to 1:30:00.

8:30 pm:

Watch: Bernie’s speech, Ted Cruz’s speech, and Planned Parenthood defunder John Kasich’s speech.

Rich Smith is The Stranger's former News Editor. He writes about politics, books, and performance. You can read his poems at www.richsmithpoetry.com