Trump doing a salute of some kind. In darkness. Credit: Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com
Trump doing a salute of some kind.
Trump doing a salute of some kind. Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com

7:20pm:So that’s basically it for tonight. Bernie’s picked up maybe maybe like 200 delegates if he’s lucky; Hillary over 300. Donald won in most states, there were a few small victories for Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, and Kasich and Carson are probably well-liked by their pets.

Trump is as terrifying as always, but many more people seem to be noticing it now. Here’s one solution:

This is a bit like being told by a dentist that all of your teeth are rotten husks only held together by years of petrified Skittles and responding, “well then, I’d better remember to floss.” Yeah, sure, go ahead and vote, the literal absolute minimum that a person can possibly do to have an impact in an election. I’m sure that’s how Donald got this far, by always remembering to cast a vote every November.

Man oh man, it sure would be great if there was a candidate in this race who was committed to ending the stranglehold of the rich and powerful over our political system. Oh well.

7:10pm: Trump right now is like one of those small dogs that has caught a groundhog and is shaking it to death while half of the humans around it are too horrified to intervene and the other half think it’s hilarious.

6:55pm: Trump says he beats Hillary in national polls, which isn’t true, but Trump may have the ability to make something true simply by wanting it like the kid from that episode of The Twilight Zone.

6:50pm: Trump is delivering a victory ramble. Would you like to see the most miserable moment of Chris Christie’s life? Well here it is.

6:40pm Marco Rubio is delivering his “I kind of won a little bit” speech. He is hoping that you will find him humble and lovable.

6:30pm: Nate Silver’s doing a bang-up job over at Fivethirtyeight, but the NYT (which used to own that site) has replaced him with an Election Twink of their own named Nate Cohn. Which Nate will win the analysis pageant tonight? That can only be settled one way: a swimsuit competition.


6:21pm: Here’s a delightful photo of a lady waving at Hillary under a security guard while Hillary does her hilarious “Statue of Liberty” comedy bit.

Earlier tonight Bernie urged voters to “practice democracy.” Practice makes perfect.

6:15pm: Oklahoma’s the weirdo state tonight and went for Cruz and Sanders. Both candidates now have two victories tonight. But remember, winning a state isn’t as important as the margin by which it’s won, so we’ll have to see how many delegates come out of this. So far Trump’s picked up a hundred, Rubio twelve, and Ted five. Hillary has 314 new delegates and Bernie 122.

6:10pm: No reaction yet from the candidates to the news that Disney is making another High School Musical. This could delay the confirmation hearings for Secretary of Choreography Kenny Ortega.

6:05pm: Clinton victory speech is underway. “America never stopped being great. We have to make America whole.” The current Democratic attack line on Trump seems to be that he’s a heartless asshole who is mean to people. Will that work? Who knows. “I believe what we need in America is more love and kindness,” says Clinton.

6:00pm: For a moment, it looked like things might go well for Rubio in Virginia … but oh well. Trump wins there too, according to the NYT. Rubio got a small boost from the DC insiders who live in the state, but it wasn’t enough to counteract all the yahoos. This isn’t a huge surprise: Republicans who care about politics are horrified by Trump, Republicans who are normal people are like “what’s the problem?”

5:50pm: If you’re just joining us, don’t worry too much about the results of the voting. “Trump in a landslide, Hillary in a landslide” is basically all you need to know. The important question is: where are all the candidates partying tonight? Well, Ben Carson is holding a party in Baltimore, so hopefully he likes crabs enough to distract him from how he was once a possible front-running and is now in ten thousandth place. Hillary is holding a party in Miami, Trump is down the street at a private club that he owns in Palm Beach, Cruz is in Texas (the only state he’s likely to win), Kasich is in Ohio (his home state that he’s likely to lose), Rubio’s in Michigan, and Bernie’s in Vermont. Which party would you most want to be at? I think Carson is probably the best, since from all accounts they’re pretty generous with expense accounts so they might have an open bar.

5:45pm: Trump is not doing so well in the part of Virginia that houses Liberty University, so that’s some consolation? I guess? Certain types of crazy people do not like certain other types of crazy people?

5:40 pm: I guess Bernie’s going to bed early tonight? He just gave a little speech and then scampered away, probably so that he could declare victory in Vermont before losing everywhere else. We must “not allow the Donald Trumps of the world to divide us,” he said. Uh, okay, Bernie, let me know when you’re done rearranging those deck chairs.

5:30 pm: Rubio’s people have apparently been prepping donors for a really lousy result tonight. Their strategy seems to be setting a low bar now, and promising that Rubio will overcome it in time for the convention? “It was a presentation that defied reality,” said one supporter.

5:20 pm: It’s Tennessee and Alabama for Clinton, though we still don’t know exactly how many delegates she’ll be picking up. Bernie told people in a speech earlier that “by the end of tonight we are going to win many hundreds of delegates.” Aw.

5:15 pm: Here in Seattle, the sky just turned a creepy bright yellow and it started hailing, which most election analysts regard as a portent of doom.

5:00 pm: ABC is calling a bunch of states for Trump: Alabama, Massachusetts, and Tennessee. In AL and TN, Trump gets bonus delegates if he’s the only one to hit 20 percent, so we’ll have to see if he meets those targets. Also, he gets a teddy bear if he can knock over a stack of tin cans with a baseball.

4:55 pm: Sanders has won his home state of Vermont, the AP is reporting. Clinton has won Virginia, the New York Times is reporting.

4:23 pm: Clinton and Trump have won in Georgia, Vox is reporting.

4:01 pm: Have you read this interview with a leading GOP hawk saying he’d vote for Clinton over Trump? Worth it.

3:30 pm: As of this morning, it looked like today would mostly bring good news for Hillary, and good news for Trump (aka bad news for sensible people everywhere).

3:00 pm: There’s not much to report yet, just that Bill Clinton caused a fuss (OH, BILLLLL) in Massachusetts when he wandered into a polling place to say hello. Not to vote, of course, just to say hello. And take some pictures. And shake hands. And kiss babies. That sure sounds like campaigning to me — are we sure he’s not planning a last-minute run for president against Hillary?

Matt Baume covered geek culture, queer news, and city infrastructure, and would leap at the flimsiest of excuses to write about furries. A writer, podcaster, and videomaker, he resides on Capitol Hill...