Remember these happier times?
Remember these happier times? Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com

Ugh, gross: another debate. Why. How. What could possibly have possessed the GOP candidates candidates to think it would be a good idea to hold another humiliating wrestling match?

Oh well, whatever. They candidates are going on TV again for the benefit of our mockery, and far be it from us, the American people, to deny them our contempt and derision. What issues will they holler at each other about tonight? Which body parts will they compare? Does everyone have their rabies vaccines?

Hopefully they’ll address the scandal of how President Obama was just caught making out with the Head Polar Bear of Canada.

5:35 The world is kind of in disbelief that this is even happening. Candidates come out and start squabbling in about a half hour.

5:40 CNN is doing little mini-interviews with various reporters. Anderson asks each person to analyze what’s going on with the strategy with each of the candidates. This is basically a montage of people trying to justify their jobs by finding increasingly elaborate ways to say “he wants to be the president.”

5:45 Anderson Cooper asks “is it even possible” to not have any personal attacks tonight. Yes, the moderators can simply turn off the microphone of anyone who’s being an asshole, and force them to stand in silence for a few minutes. Give ’em a time-out. Maybe a spanking, too. And a dunce cap.

5:47 Reince Priebus just slunk out on stage to say that any one of the four GOP candidates would be far better presidents than Hillary or Bernie. This is met with perfunctory applause, the kind of clap that’s just barely loud enough to cover the sound of sobbing.

5:56 Another little remembrance for Nancy Reagan. Sure, fine. She certainly wasn’t the worst thing about the Reagan administration, and she’s dead now, so I don’t particularly feel the need to say anything mean about her.

6:00 When he was introduced, one of the moderators gave the camera a smug little heartthrob smirk like he’s about to rip America’s bodice off.

6:02 Marco Rubio’s tie is so shiny! It looks like someone just stuck a roll of Fruit by the Foot to his shirt.

6:06 Question for Trump about how so much of his stuff is made overseas: “Why should voters trust that you’ll run the country better than your companies?” His answer is bragging that he knows how to take advantage of tax loopholes better than anyone else on the stage which is really not an answer. I wonder if Trump’s secret plan is just to move all Americans to China.

6:07 Lots of questions on trade, which was a driving force in Bernie’s surprise win on Tuesday. I like to imagine that when the candidates say “trade” they’re talking about the piece of ass they picked up on Grindr. “Trade will bring millions of jobs back to America,” says Cruz.

6:09 Rubio says that Disney illegally used immigrants to replace American workers. I suppose Disney might have something to say about that. I wonder if they have any attorneys.

6:13 Trump says he uses H1B1 workers, and it’s wrong to do so, but he’ll keep doing so because it’s legal. His Dungeons and Dragons alignment is lawful evil.

6:18 Trump says he’s opposed to education standards that come from Washington DC like Common Core. This is not what Common Core is at all, but who cares. Now Kasich is talking about how the education system works in Ohio but all I can think about is the lawn mower he must’ve stuck his head in to get this haircut.

6:20 Trump says that he’d hire Ben Carson to oversee education in his administration. This is a man who literally chiseled a typo into the wall of his house so that should go well.

6:25 The star of “Cops, Cum, Dicks and Flying” is absolutely right:

6:27 Moderator points out that Trump’s budget numbers make no sense. His response is to complain that other countries are really annoying.

6:30 Thank you:

6:31 Trump says that the problem with the federal government is that it doesn’t seek bids for projects, which … good grief, there are entire offices responsible for government bidding.

6:32 Comcast is enforcing another 2-minute break from the debate by restarting my internet. Candidates, if you were planning on doing any acrobatics, please wait a minute or two. And then please build a wall to keep Comcast out of the country.

6:35 This has not been a particularly electric debate. Just the same old blah-blah as a million times before. CNN could have just played a Captain Planet marathon and it would have been just as useful to voters.

6:40 To give you an idea how snoozy this debate is, Cruz just cited Smoot-Hawley, one of those laws that are only readable by machines:

The second measure (series U212) is the “dutiable tariff rate” which is the tariff revenue divided by the dollar value of dutiable imports. The “dutiable tariff rate” peak of 1932 was 59.1%, second only to the 61.7% rate of 1830. However, in 1933, 63% of all imports were never taxed which the “dutiable tariff rate” does not reflect. The “free and dutiable rate” in 1929 was 13.5% and peaked under Smoot-Hawley in 1933 at 19.8% which is significantly below the 29.7% “free and dutiable rate” that the United States averaged from 1821 until 1900.

6:45 We’re in a commercial. Samuel L. Jackson is talking about a credit card while sitting at a desk with an apple, a magnifying glass, and an awl. How does he eat apples?

6:46 Moderator asks Trump why he said “Islam hates us.” All of them? “I mean a lot of them,” he says, to audience applause. Rubio says that “he says that people wish they could say. But Presidents can’t say everything they want.” Okay so as president he promises to keep his racism super duper top secret.

6:49 Trump “you can be politically correct if you want. … We have a serious problem of hate,” he says. Yeah we sure do. “We have large portions of Islam want to use very very harsh means.” That is not a sentence, or even a complete thought.

6:51 “I’m not interested in being politically correct. I’m interested in correct.” Points out that we’ll have to work with Muslim populations so we probably shouldn’t let them know how racist we are.

6:52 Kasich says we need to let Islam know that America represents civilization. I audibly gasped at that one, so good job Republicans.

6:53 Trump on torturing detainees: “we have to obey the law, but we have to expand those laws.” So basically there is no such thing as morality, only law.

6:55 Cruz: “There are millions of radical Islamic terrorists intent on killing us.”

7:00 Trump says there is no one on stage as pro-Israel as he is. Audible boos from the audience. I hope he tries to use that line against Bernie Sanders.

7:01 The last debate, at which all of the candidates, moderators, audience, and viewers were seemingly blackout drunk, was so much more fun.

7:02 Kasich says there’s no hope of peace in the Middle East, so let’s just give Israel a lot of weapons.

7:10 Moderator mentions that Obama will be visiting Cuba. Angry murmur from Miami audience. Rubio says the US should force democratic reforms in Cuba before opening relations. Trump says that he wants to make “a good deal” with Cuba. Audience doesn’t know what that means and murmurs in confusion. Then he fucks himself: Moderator asks him if he’d keep the embassy open, and he says he’d close it, to which the audience starts opening laughing because he clearly has no idea what he’s talking about — so Marco Rubio jumps in to point out that it doesn’t work that way, the embassy would just go back to being a consulate. It’s a moment of humiliation for Trump that none of his supporters will notice.

7:15 Trump repeats that he would work out “a great deal” and the audience just sighs.

7:16 Ted Cruz just tried to say “Ayatollah Khomeini” and now I know how Peggy Hill would have pronounced it.

7:19 Who is running Hillary Clinton’s Twitter and can I make out with him

7:19 Rubio says the climate always changes, whatever, nothing we can do about it. Anyway other countries will keep making pollution so let’s just keep burning coal.

7:21 Moderator follows up on whether humans cause climate change. “There is no law that would have any impact on that. .. There would be no changes in our environment. Sea levels would continue to rise.” Says it’s better to save $20 a month on electric bills than spare Miami from sinking underwater.

7:23 Kasich: “We want to dig coal but we want to clean it when we burn it.” Yeah well I want to eat ice cream all day but I want to make it healthy before I eat it.

7:30 Trump shrugs off the time he praised Putin as “strong.”

7:32 Question for Trump about the supporter who punched a protestor (and then later said “next time we might have to kill him”). “Do you believe that you’ve done anything to create a tone where this kind of violence would be encouraged.” Trump: “I hope not.” Then justifies the guy’s actions by saying that his supporters are angry about the state of the country. Moderator points out that Trump has literally incited violence at some speeches. Trump says that the protestors are violent, so they “gotta take ’em out.”

7:35 Cruz jumps in to say that Obama acts like he’s above the law, asks the audience how many people feel disrespected by Washington (where he works).

7:43 Cruz jokingly says he’d make Trump President of the Smithsonian. Of everything they’ve said tonight that’s the first that moved me to tears.

7:49 Trump says he’s the most qualified to fix campaign finance corruption because he’s the one who’s most corrupt.

7:52 I’ve been trying all night to figure out what Kasich’s face reminds me of, and I just realized it’s one of those vacuum bags for storing bulky sweaters.

7:58 Kasich tries to say he’s been waging a positive campaign but accidentally says he’s been waiving a positive campaign.

8:01 Oh shit Cruz actually got in a great laugh line at the last minute! Points out what an amazing country it is that the sons of such disadvantaged workers “and a successful businessman” could run for president.

8:03 Closing statements wrapping up. My closing statement is that this debate was a real snoozer. Only a few days left until Other Super Tuesday, so if you want to have an impact on the election, remember to donate millions of dollars and commit widespread election fraud.

Matt Baume covered geek culture, queer news, and city infrastructure, and would leap at the flimsiest of excuses to write about furries. A writer, podcaster, and videomaker, he resides on Capitol Hill...