DIE BITCH DIE
DIE BITCH DIE syaber/Getty

The Pacific Northwest has been taken over by fruit, and I’m not just talking about men in mesh shorts. Blackberries, which are as common in this region as native plants like conifers and ferns, may be tasty when plucked fresh—and delicious when simmered into compote and served over a scoop of vanilla—but they’re also a thorn in the ecosystem’s side: They impede the establishment and growth of native species, make green spaces impenetrable, and are highly invasive and nearly impossible to control. If measles were a plant, they’d be blackberries.

Himalayan blackberries, as our local invaders are known, aren’t actually from the Himalayas. They are thought to be from Armenia and were brought to America in the late 19th century by an eccentric botanist named Luther Burbank. Burbank, who developed novel strains of fruit like plumcot (imagine a plum having sex with an apricot) was entirely self-taught and he developed his creations on an experimental farm on the California coast. (Apparently he should have done more studying up on what happens when you introduce non-native plants to a foreign environment.)

According to a history of the Himalayan blackberry in this region by KUOW’s Ann Dornfeld, Burbank was looking for new varieties of fruits and veggies that could last when shipped across the U.S. He frequently traded seeds with botanists all over the world, and one of these seeds, from a breeder in India, was the fruit that would eventually become known as the Himalayan blackberry. Burbank sent this novel berry to buyers in Puget Sound, and with no native predators, it spread far and wide, taking over countless yards, forests, fields, lots, pastures, roadsides, gullies, river flats, riparian areas, fence lines, and other green spaces in the Northwest. If there’s a patch of green and a ray of sunshine, blackberries will show up.

In other words, blame Burbank (who, by the way, was also a believer in eugenics and the namesake of the Luther Burbank School, a home for “troubled boys,” on Mercer Island). Unfortunately, the man died long ago so he won’t be able to do much to abate our current blackberry takeover, but there are things the rest of us can do: Namely, murder those damn invaders.

The best way to do this, unfortunately, is by hand, and you’re going to need a machete (or clippers) and a shovel, along with what I like to call my “killing outfit,” which includes leather gloves, sturdy boots, and long sleeves and pants to protect you from scratches.

Aside from herbicides (and don’t use those), the most effective way of removing blackberries is cut them down using clippers or a machete, and then—the most important part—dig up the root ball. If you don’t do this, they will just come back as soon as you head inside for dinner. It’s easier to do this earlier in the season rather than later, and while it’s not easy work—you have to really get under the root wad and use your shovel as a lever—that’s why people have children, right? Just tell your kids it’s a game, and make sure their machete is sharp.

Katie Herzog is a former staff writer at The Stranger.