I’m a 24-year-old heterosexual male who’s
been in a monogamous relationship with a 26-year-old GGG girl for about
a year and a half. During this time, we’ve more or less constantly
expanded our sexual boundaries, to the point where we were planning on
going to a sex club here in Tokyo (we’re both expatriates) in order to
make some group-sex fantasies that we’ve both had and expressed come
true.
About six weeks ago, a friend of mine
introduced me to a friend of his, who happens to be a pretty cool
22-year-old girl. We hit it off and I introduced her to my girlfriend.
Likewise, they immediately click. Fast-forward to a recent get together
that ends with the three of us hanging out at the end of the night. I
offer (twice) to set up on the floor so the womenfolk can have my bed,
but they both tell me not to worry about it, and so we sleep curled up
with my girlfriend in the middle.
The next day, my girlfriend brings up how
nice it was to have all three of us in bed together, and asks me if I
thought this new girl was bisexual. I tell her that I don’t know,
although given how quickly the two of them curled up, I was halfway
disappointed that it didn’t end in a three-way. She says that I’ll just
have to be in the middle next time so I can make out with both of them
and get it started.
The new girl shows up at the party that
night, proceeds to get drunk, and is put to bed in my girlfriend’s bed.
When everyone else leaves for karaoke, I stay behind to help clean up
the place. We finish, and I comment about how I should probably head
home and let them have the bed. She says that we slept three across
last night, and there’s no reason we can’t do it again. So I borrow
some pajama bottoms from her, get set up on the opposite edge of the
bed from the passed-out friend, and am told to scoot in to the middle
by my girlfriend when she gets in bed. All is well, I tell her I love
her, and we go to sleep.
The next morning (that is, this morning),
however, I wake up spooning the new girl, with my girlfriend nowhere to
be seen. I go into the other room to find her washing dishes and notice
something seems a little bit off. She says she’s going for a jog,
changes clothes, and takes off, leaving the two of us behind.
The new girl gets up, we talk for a while,
and (surprise, surprise!) we kiss. She asks me what I want, telling me
that my girlfriend is fantastic and that she doesn’t want to come
between us, and I confess that I’m a bit greedy and kind of want to
have them both, to which she responds that she’d be fine with this.
After she leaves, my girlfriend comes back
and we start talking. She immediately begins crying when I tell her I
kissed this new girl. She adds, though, that she loves me and still
wants to be with me even though I’ve cheated on her. I’m initially a
little taken aback by this reaction, given the relative tameness of the
offense and what I perceived as fairly clear go-ahead signs, but I
leave after shedding my fair share of tears, apologizing, and telling
her that I love her and want to be with her.
So, Dan, after this long and winding story,
my question is this: Did I get ahead of myself and misread my
girlfriend’s intentions? Or did I read them right, yet break some other
statute when I kissed this girl on my own? I’m leaning toward the
second one myself, but threesomes are kind of new territory for me, so
I’m having trouble figuring this out.
Thither
Hetero Ecstasy, Thither Awful Infidelity, Now Torn
“Blessed with a girlfriend who is game for a
three-way, you botched it by breaching a cardinal threesome
commandment,” says Vicki Vantoch. That commandment? Thou shalt
communicate. “Your girlfriend gave you a golden opportunity and you
screwed up by making assumptions.”
“When it comes to threesomes, it’s critical
to not leave any room to misread intentions. You can’t know exactly
what your girlfriend is cool with unless you ask for specifics. So,
before you stick your tongue down your new friend’s throat, ask your
girlfriend. You need to ask a lot of questions. If you’re unsure about
what’s okay with your girlfriend, pull out the dry-erase board and ask;
draw out a game plan; write a checklist of approved behaviors.”
But even a nonassumption-making couple with
an elaborate game plan may encounter turbulence once the three-way is
underway.
“That’s why it’s always a good idea to check
in with your girlfriend often during a three-way and get explicit
permission for each new move,” says Vicki. “Checking in can defuse
uncomfortable moments before they erupt into emotional shitstorms. When
your girlfriend seemed ‘weird,’ do you really think it was smart to
respond by sucking face with a new friend? A response that might have
salvaged your three-way (and likely deepened your relationship with
your girlfriend): Stop and ask your girlfriend how she’s feeling.”
What do you do now?
“Beg for forgiveness,” says Vicki. “Listen
to your girlfriend talk about why she’s upset, and with the grace of
god, she’ll forgive you and you’ll be back on the three-way prowl
together.”
I’m a 19-year-old female, I’m currently with
my boyfriend/soon-to-be husband. He is 30. First off, I just wanted to
tell you I love reading your advice and I am hopeful that you can help
me out a little. Okay, here it goes: We are getting married early next
year. We have been together for a year and some-odd months, so we know
each other fairly well. We love each other and only have eyes for each
other. He was my first boyfriend who I cared about and only my second
partner.
He has had more partners than I have, and
from what he says I am not that bad. Here’s the real problem: He wants
to have a threesome with another girl. I do not mind this idea at all,
because before we tie the knot both of us would like to experience a
threesome for the first time. However, here is where I get all weird:
The girl we’ve decided on is, in my opinion, much prettier then I am,
and she has had a lot of “experience.” I have no idea what I need to do
to get this right, but I would like to make it a good experience. She
has done other threesome, while my boyfriend and I have not. I am SURE
he knows what to do, but I have no bloody clue!
I have watched a couple of porns to see what
they do, but mostly it’s just team blowjobs and rimjobs. Am I expected
to do lez action? Am I suppose to lick her anus? Am I supposed to just
nibble on her or what? I am really confused. I am kind of scared to do
this now, and I already told him I would do it. What should I do? I
love him and I want to do this, but I feel insecure. Is there a way to
break this promise? Or maybe an instruction manual on having a
threesome? I am totally clueless. Please let me know what you think.
Thanks.
Confused Lady In
ThreesomeP.S. We have all been tested for
STDs and HIV.
“It sounds like you’ve agreed to have a
threesome to satisfy your fiancé, CLIT,” says Vicki. “I’d like
to smack some sense into you. If you’re considering a threesome because
your fiancé pressured you into it or you’re hoping it will save
a deteriorating relationship, you’ll probably regret it and resent your
fiancé later. A threesome can be really hot if you’re doing it
because you want to. You’ve gotta wanna.”
This three-way is only going to work if
you’re doing it because you want to explore your own sexual
curiosities. If you go into it merely to please your fiancé, or
if you mimic porn in an attempt to “do it right,” it’s going to be a
disaster.
“Threesomes offer a perfect opportunity for
exploring bicuriosity with a nifty hetero safety net,” continues Vicki.
“But same-sex action isn’t mandatory. There are a million ways to get
your three-way kink on. What turns YOU on about a threesome? What’s in
it for you? Following your own turn-on is key to having a good
threesome experience.”
Vicki’s new book, The Threesome Handbook,
contains everything you need to know about three-way etiquette, sexual
technique for novice bicurious explorers, and tons of advice about
communication and expectations. Please buy it and read it before you
make another move, CLIT.
First, I want to thank Vicki for her
three-way advice—thanks, Vicki. Second, I want to share a letter
I received about a three-way success story. It’s about a gay couple’s
explorations of three-way sex, but its lessons apply to any couple
thinking about opening up their relationship. The letter is a little
long—but, hey, this is the internets, people, and word counts
don’t apply here.
My hubby and I started dating about two and
a half years ago, and sex was a huge component of our relationship. We
were inspired by each other and very much in love with each other for
nonsexual reasons, yes, but we were also passionate guys with
conflicting opinions and approaches to people—we argued a LOT. We
both agree that what saved the relationship early on was the sex: Our
appetites were perfectly matched, and we couldn’t fuck hard enough and
often enough.
We’ve both had a lot of sex in the past, but
with the future-hub, I discovered that I was getting off on his ecstasy
just as much as I was on my own. The look on his face—deliriously
anguished and feverishly overpleasured—whenever I’d fuck the hell
out of him was more of a turn on for me than anything my cock was doing
inside of him. In the past, sex had been this sort of one-way
experience—sure, I was making sure my partners were having a good
time, but I didn’t get off on their pleasure more than I was getting
off on mine. Shortly after I made this discovery, the future-hub
announced that he’d made the same. And shortly after that, one of his
exes—who remains a good friend—came to town.
We went dancing with the friend that night,
and while grinding with each other in a playfully sultry little
dance-floor three-way, I found myself turned on: I wanted the hub’s ex
to kiss the hub, and, what’s more, I wanted to watch my hub get fucked
by him. Much to my disappointment, nothing happened that night, but in
bed at home, just the two of us, I confessed that I really wanted to
see them get it on. This led to a discussion about three-ways, which we
both had grown interested in trying, and it turns out for the same
reason: Sure, it’d be nice to suck another guy’s cock or fuck his ass
or get fucked by him, but what we were really interested in was
stepping back and watching the other get it on with someone else.
A lot of our friends have had “open
relationships,” and we admitted that we couldn’t think of one open
relationship that had worked. We thought about those relationships and
determined that what had screwed up the open thing was a lack of mutual
respect: One or both guys in the couple thought they were entitled to
their thirds, their one-offs, whatever, and fought for their perceived
right to fuck whomever they wanted, even when the partner they were
supposed to be in love with was telling them, “Hey, this isn’t working
for me anymore. Can we stop and reevaluate?” We really didn’t want this
to happen to us, but we were still turned on by the idea of thirds, so
we set some ground rules: (1) We both have to be interested in the guy.
(2) He has to be equally interested in both of us. (3) We can’t have a
third when we’re not happy with and desirous of each other. (4) If
either of us stops the encounter for any reason at all, it’s over and
we send the guy home—nobody is in any trouble.
Our first three-way was pretty awesome in
that it confirmed our suspicions: We did, in fact, like watching the
other get pleasured by and pleasure another guy. The look on my lover’s
face when he came in this guy’s mouth was just incredible, and even
though I’d come a few minutes earlier, I was hard all over again. The
guy thanked us for the fun, left, and we spent the rest of the
afternoon fucking each other’s brains out to celebrate. Subsequent
three-ways have had pretty much the same result: We have an awesome
time fucking the guest, he leaves, and then we fuck each other all over
again.
Now, we haven’t had a ton of three-ways in
the two years since then—maybe five or six?—because we
believe in quality over quantity. And twice we’ve each had sex with
another person on our own. Our rule for “one-offs”: We have to have
guilt-free fun with the guy—otherwise, what’s the point? Also,
one-offs are fascinating for us because not only are we enjoying the
thought of our partner having sex with another guy (we tell each other
in advance), and later enjoying the news about how it went, but we’re
also turned on by our feelings of jealousy—so yay for
cuckolding!
Sometimes we do feel a little threatened. I
think that’s normal, especially when some guy walks into the room with
something you don’t have that your lover frankly lusts after (great
pecs, a beer-can cock, Jake Gyllenhaal’s come-fuck-me eyes). A hint of
jealousy is a normal part of any relationship, I think, and in the
“open” sexual arena, it can be really scary to try to manage because
it’s there that one of the biggest reasons, if not THE biggest reason,
for jealousy in a relationship gets thrown right out into the open. In
order to manage jealousy, you have to trust that your lover is telling
you the truth about his feelings and actions, and you have to give your
lover the same respect. What works for us in that department is that we
don’t do it often, and that we really understand what happened and how
we felt about it when it did, and we know that we don’t have to lie to
each other about anything. My hub visited his family in Kentucky last
week and I’ve got to admit that I was a little antsy about his
absence—I thought he might’ve fucked somebody, and it made me a
bit anxious to do the same. But I didn’t, and I trust him when he told
me that he didn’t either. Though I have to admit that I was a little
disappointed that he hadn’t!
Honestly, and the Christian Right would
probably rapturously shit themselves with joy to hear a faggot say this
about his somewhat open relationship (hey, as though we weren’t already
sinning enough for them), but here goes: Three-ways and one-offs, in
moderation, have helped strengthen our relationship. Sexually, we learn
new tricks from these other guys. What we’ve learned being with other
guys has played a big part in keeping our sexual relationship with each
other hot. It’s crazy, but sexually we just keep growing. The
occasional three-way, and the one-offs especially, add fuel to our
fantasy life: We often reminisce about our hot encounters and relive
the blow-by-blows together, and part of the turn-on involves our
admitting jealous feelings as much as admitting to aroused feelings.
It’s also strengthened our communication with and trust in one another:
I know that he’s totally up front with me about his feelings, and he
knows the same of me—about sex, and about other things, too.
Staring down this big devil of trust has helped us manage the little
things better. Having occasional sex with others also puts our
relationship in perspective: Yeah, my hub might’ve gone out and had
some nine-inch dick up his ass a week ago, and I’m definitely really
turned on when he tells me about it and maybe a little more threatened
by it than I’m letting on (as he is the hungriest bottom I’ve ever met
in my life and I worry that I’m just not enough for him when he talks
about wanting a monster dick up his ass), but there’s something really
awesome that happens to me when he says to me, with my dick freshly up
his ass, “Those other guys? A lot of fun. But what you do to me with
your cock is fucking brilliant and I am so happy that I get to ride it
for the rest of my life.”
Love is about communication and trust,
right? We argued a lot about social and political stuff early on, but
we worked through that stuff, and managed to build something strong and
resilient. We don’t fuck around often, but when we do, it actually has
a constructive role in our lives, it’s something we really enjoy
together, and we sincerely feel like it brings us closer.
Is that cheesy or what?
Two Chicago Boys
that last letter was adorable and inspirational!