Savage Love Web Extra

Dear Ms. Crone:

I understand from your reporting that, in
the state of Mississippi, it is illegal to own a “three-dimensional
device” for the purpose of sexual pleasure, but owning a
“three-dimensional device” for the purpose of killing another human
being (a handgun) is okey-dokey and much encouraged by your politicians
down there.

All I can say to that is, you sure live in
one screwed-up state in one screwed-up country. Count me as one
American living in Canada who is glad to have escaped!

Yours truly,

B.M.

•••

Ms. Crone,

I applaud your diligence in your attempts at
exposing the perverted demons who buy and use sex toys. This unholy
carnage must be stopped! Why should one need to use such devices for
masturbatory purposes when there are so many prostitutes out there in
need of work?

I suggest that you start a positive campaign
for the turning away of our youth from such horrendous devices you
spoke out against on your TV show, and toward the God’s honest real
thing for hire!

Keep up the good work,

Baptist B.

•••

Dear Ms. Crone,

I’ve just read your story describing the
sting operation you and your crew performed on an area adult store
(http://wlbt.net/Global/story.asp?s=7803180).

It’s an interesting coincidence, because
just yesterday I went with two of my girlfriends—both recently
divorced after abusive marriages—to our local sex-toy shop to buy
vibrators. Not only did we have a great time picking them out, my
friends were clearly thrilled to be taking what they felt was a
significant step toward reasserting their strength and independence.
One of them told me today that she became very anxious last night about
sleeping in an empty house, but that using her new vibrator calmed her
down enough for her to get to sleep. For my part, I was glad we’d made
the shopping trip for another reason: I would much rather see my
friends using their toys in the privacy and safety of their own homes
than hitting the bars and having one-night stands with unknown men out
of an unfulfilled need for sexual intimacy.

My point? Only that it is despicable to
actively harass a local business for selling these products. In
targeting Adult Video and Books, you implicitly condemn the physically
and emotionally healthy activities that the store and its products
facilitate. As a media outlet, you have a responsibility to your
viewers not to cast shame upon the safe fulfillment of natural sexual
urges and needs.

Respectfully,

H. T.

•••

Dear Ms. Crone,

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank
you for your journalistic integrity and your commitment to protecting
the community. I’m sure Jackson, Mississippi, will be much safer now
that you have rid the streets of three-dimensional adult-pleasure
devices.

Although there is primary data proving that
orgasms boost the immune system, elevate mood, relieve stress, and,
between you and me, Kandiss, are just plain fun. Let’s never forget
that all of the above contribute to the degeneration of consenting
adults everywhere.

So, once again, from the bottom of my
cervix, I want to thank you for making it more difficult for the adults
of Jackson, Mississippi, to find inexpensive, low-fat, aerobic,
self-image-enhancing ways to feel good.

The world is truly a better place without
vibrators. Now if we could only get rid of douchebags like you.

Jennifer J.

•••

Dear Ms. Crone,

I am an historian of human sexuality and a
proud owner of three vibrators. Actually four, if you count the antique
one I inherited from an 88-year-old relative who died and whose
children (who are in their 60s) found her 1950s-era vibrator and
realized I would appreciate it. (She had been married for over 60
years, to a lovely man, when she died.) I haven’t used hers, and don’t
plan to (the cord is kind of frayed), but I think it should let you
know that nice women (like naughty women) have, for generations and
generations, used vibrators to feel good, and there is nothing wrong
with that. Vibrators often help women like me, in their 40s, get
orgasms something like those we used to get when we were young, and
they help our partners give us pleasure, which is good, good, good for
long-lasting marriages, straight or gay.

Madam, do get a life, or at least get
yourself a nice vibrator. I can recommend some if you like.

Alice D., PhD

•••

Ms. Crone,

I just wanted to write and offer my
heartfelt congratulations at your obvious intellect, professionalism,
and journalistic integrity in doing your small part in clearing up the
scourge of sex toys. I am sure your viewers appreciate the job you are
doing in highlighting this important topic.

By important, I mean in relation to other
trivialities, such as genocide in Darfur, an over $500,000,000,000
annual military budget this year (the biggest since WWII), the
historical primary race, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the
many, many tragic deaths caused by madmen (and women) who use lawfully
purchased guns to massacre their innocent classmates around America.
Keep up the GOOD WORK!

Kind regards,

Alexander M.Z.

•••

Ms. Crone:

It is difficult to strike the right tone in
addressing this letter to you. I think I should be straightforward.

I think your story about Adult Video and
Books, the sex shop that you discovered to be selling sex toys, was not
quality reporting. It is easy to point a finger and proclaim, “Look at
the naughty, dirty sex,” and I’m sure that stories like this boost
ratings: Everyone likes a scandal that doesn’t carry any moral
obligation to act. You were, in my opinion, firing at a wide target,
and one which might titillate your viewers without asking them to think
about or improve life in Jackson.

More challenging work for a reporter is to
outline the difficulties the homeless face, or perhaps take a careful
look at whether money spent by lobbyists cause our representatives in
Congress to vote against our interests. I think you’re in a position to
consider many important issues in the world today and to bring them to
light in a way that challenges your viewers to actively do something to
improve those issues. This, I think, is better than taking cheap jabs
at people who use “three-dimensional devices.” As in countries where
ethnic cleansing causes people to live in fear, you might be surprised
at how many of your colleagues and coworkers are users of these
devices, but live in secret to avoid persecution.

T.N.

•••

Dear Ms Crone,

Gee, I feel so bad that I don’t have any sex
toys to send to you for proper disposal. I’m going to do my best to
help you in your noble crusade! Will you accept bananas and
cucumbers?

Roy C.

•••

Hi Kandiss,

Just wanted to drop a note thanking you for
making us all aware that some stores out there sell “three-dimensional
devices” designed to be used in sexual ways. Keep up the good work and
maybe law enforcement will finally act to rid us of these vile
places.

I, for one, am glad you’re doing this. I’d
much prefer my young daughter explores her sexuality with whatever she
can find around the house. There are always bottles, bananas, and I
can’t even think what all that she can use instead.

There’s no health risk involved in using a
banana instead though, right?

Pat

•••

I can believe that a town in Mississippi
still criminalizes the sale of sex toys, and I can believe that a
spotlight-hog TV reporter staged a ratings grab about the sale of sex
toys, and I can even believe that the local law enforcement ruined her
day by saying they had bigger crimes to prosecute. And I can completely
understand why anyone opposed to this cheap theatrical stunt would
protest by sending their used sex toys to Kandiss Crone, c/o WLBT 3
News, 715 South Jefferson Street, Jackson, Mississippi, 39201. But I
cannot believe that the reporter works for a station whose call letters
shout out to lesbians, bisexuals, and trannies. That part, Dan, you
must have made up. Right?

I mean, come on, the truth doesn’t write
itself like that.

D.M.

•••

Couple of comments on the Crone piece:
First, she’s been a reporter there since June 2007, so she probably
doesn’t have a great deal of say in her assignments. Not that this
excuses her for being a good little soldier, but her fucktard of an
editor could probably use some surplus three-dimensional devices of his
own. Also, the greatest irony about the whole situation from this
(relatively) humble attorney’s perspective is that by showing it
afterward to the store owner, the cops, and untold numbers of Concerned
Viewers, Crone was herself in apparent violation of the statute, which
declares that a “person commits the offense of distributing unlawful
sexual devices when he knowingly sells, advertises, publishes, or
EXHIBITS to any person any three-dimensional device designed or
marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital
organs, or offers to do so, or possesses such devices with the intent
to do so.”

Although the following statute provides an
exemption for teeveenewz reporters, that only applies “where the signal
transmitting the material or performance originates outside of the
state of Mississippi.” As WLBT-3’s antenna is located outside of
Raymond in Hinds County, Mississippi, Ms. Crone could be charged with a
misdemeanor and face up to a $5,000 fine and six months in the can for
displaying some slick purple head. Luckily for her, I happen to know a
damn good attorney.

The Latex Lawyer