Savage Love Web Extra

First, thank you Dan, for the column and
podcast. You have helped me immeasurably. If I could buy you drinks or
chocolate or whatever, I would. And now some advice from me for Bi Bi
Bridie and Right Handed Man: WORK THIS SHIT OUT NOW.

My fiancé and I had the signs of
sexual incompatibilities before our engagement. And more cropped up
during our engagement. We both thought things would improve and that we
would relax and get better once the rings were on. Well, seven years,
tons of counseling, one son, and one divorce later, I know this is not
true. Things got worse, to the point of years of no sexual contact at
all.

So, from someone who has been in your shoes,
BBB and RHM, I say this: Listen to Dan! Talk about this now. Be honest
now. And I can’t stress this part enough: Be totally, fucking, brutally
honest about what you need/want/feel. Now is not the time to
tell the other person what you think they want to hear. It will be
difficult, but for God’s sake don’t get married with this on the table
and unexamined. If you do, misery awaits; trust me.

And, if that seems too scary, get a
counselor and do it in front of them. Having a support system in the
room can help.

The Voice of Experience

I just read your response to Right Handed
Man (jerks it a lot instead of having sex with his fiancée) and
wanted to chime in with my two cents. While I agree with your advice
(open communication is almost always the correct action), I think you
may have been a little harsh in your psychoanalysis of RHM as an
insecure bag of slop. I don’t know the guy, maybe he does have
insecurity issues, probably does, but there is at least one other
possibility. I am recently divorced, and one of the issues the ex and I
had was this same thing: I masturbated more than we had sex, and it
bothered her (and me, I just didn’t realize it at first). After talking
about it with her, I realized that I would rather masturbate than have
sex with my beautiful wife because SHE had such control issues when it
came to sex that it felt like a fucking performance review every time.
There was a precise script that I was not to deviate from, or else she
would be unable to come—and not just positions or specific
foreplay, either.

As you might imagine, this kind of pressure
and control made sex unappealing compared to my oh-so-undemanding hand.
The initial approach to this issue by my ex was, “Why don’t you want
sex more often? I thought men wanted sex all the time?” My defensive
response to that approach sidetracked us from understanding the true
underlying issues (mine and hers) for some time. Attacking RHM without
allowing that he might not be 100 percent the problem could easily be
counterproductive.

Worked It Out

I really hope that RHM is my ex-boyfriend;
otherwise, there are at least two masturbating, noncommunicating
egotists out there. He dreamed of a woman more passive than me, and it
looks like he found her. What I want to know is why the fiancée
isn’t writing in to you. I think your advice to RHM is spot on, but I’d
like to add some advice for his fiancée: Break it off, move out,
and move on. If this is the same guy (if you live in the Twin Cities,
Minnesota, area) then I gotta tell you, there is a lot more going on
than communication issues.

Blue-Balled Lady

I’m engaged to a wonderful man, and wanted
to offer a general response to all the engaged and want-to-be-engaged
people in last week’s column. (Oh, and there’s a reason my man and I
are engaged, and not married, and that’s because marriage isn’t
something to rush into, especially if you have unresolved issues.
Especially sexual issues.)

To RHM: You know what his girlfriend is
probably doing while he’s in the other room jacking off? Jacking off.
Couples that have been together a long time, and have work,
volunteering, and other commitments don’t always want to jump into bed
every night, and that’s okay. On the nights when partner feels frisky
and the other doesn’t, they both need to be okay with being content
with their right hand. And on nights when they’re both in the mood for
a little self-love, masturbating with your partner is a great way to
both get off, and still feel close.

To Bi Bi Bridie: Wow. You’re not ready to
get married if your husband can’t accept that he’s marrying a bi woman,
and that at some point, you’ll need an outlet besides lesbo porn. My
fiancé and I are both bi, and early in the relationship we
discussed that in depth. Our agreement? Bi dirty talk in bed, the
occasional pegging for him, and a lot of oral sex for me. And if that’s
not enough, we’ve both agreed that bringing someone else into the
bedroom, with both partners there, is a reasonable outlet for both of
us.

To Adam: I find it heartwarming, but
misguided, that people think that the dickwads that run this country
will give a shit if liberal heterosexual couples stop marrying—or
at least enough of a shit to suddenly make gay marriage legal
everywhere. So if you’re ready to get married, get married; But always
remember you’re damn lucky to be able to do so, and let you voices be
heard (on the internet, in letters to your congressmen, at
uncomfortable Republican dinner parties). And if we still can’t secure
the legal right to marry for everyone in this country, you can follow
the plan that my fiancé and I plan to follow: We’re going to
have several adorable children and teach them when they’re tots that
some people love people of the same sex and that they have as much a
right to get married as mommy and daddy. A future generation of
pro–gay marriage voters will have more power than a handful of
heteros refusing to go to the altar today.

Engaged Boston Babe

In regards to your answer to Bi Bi Bridie,
the engaged bisexual girl who misses the lesbian sex, I am in complete
agreement with you, except for this: “his irrational ultimatums…”

To me this situation just seems to be one of
basic sexual incompatibility. Asking that one’s future spouse remain
faithful to you is not irrational; it’s something that many, many
people consider a basic foundation for commitment or marriage. This guy
isn’t comfortable with his wife having extramarital sex, regardless of
gender. He wants monogamy; he doesn’t want to be cheated on. That
doesn’t make him an irrational tyrant. It just makes him probably not
the best long-term partner for someone who isn’t comfortable with
long-term monogamy.

Another Perspective

I’ve been reading your column for many years
now. I consider you to be more enlightened than most of the populace,
at least when it comes to human interaction. I frequently quote your
advice even! So it felt like a kick in the nuts to see you make a
wonderfully ignorant, flippant remark about schizophrenics and
schizophrenia in your last column.

Do you remember when humor was the weapon
used to justify persecuting homosexuals? Funny how mental illness is
still fair game. It’s perfectly okay to make a joke about “schizos” and
their “multiple personalities,” but the truth is, any mental illness
can, and should be, treated no different than cancer, or HIV. I was
diagnosed with schizophrenia nearly 10 years ago. I’m good looking, my
IQ puts me in the top 10 percent, I’m successful, and I’d be glad to
write your column for a week to prove I know the ins and outs of
reality and human interaction just as well as any “normal” person. I
don’t see or talk to God, I don’t cover my bedroom walls with tinfoil,
I don’t feel like the CIA is spying on me, and I don’t start wars
because God tells me to. Ninety-nine percent of schizophrenics are
nonviolent, harm no one, and a huge portion do not live in a
delusionary dream world. Most of us can function quite normally in
society.

Perpetuating stereotypes about people who
many times are misunderstood and ostracized does nothing but justify
alienating them and making it acceptable to make them the brunt of
jokes. I know it wasn’t intentional, Dan, but as I respect you, as I
respect your intelligence and compassion, that means I need to hold you
accountable.

Come on, Dan. You’re a hero to this skinny
straight white boy, who happens to have a mental illness. Don’t be a
Santorum.

Sincerely,

K. Graves

P.S. I don’t need a fucking acronym; I’m
proud of who I am.