Read the original column here.
I think you were hard on the lady whose
first response was “What?!?” when her date suggested testicular sex. As
things go, “What?!?” is a pretty tame response that might also have
meant: What are you talking about! I am surprised and confused!
I’m saying it’s pretty difficult, in a
clutch situation, to have the first thing you say not be “What?!?”
If it was the guy writing, you would have
berated him for giving up so easily. As well you should have! Imagine
if everyone on earth gave up so easily! We would all be having
heterosexual missionary sex without birth control.
Emily
I think you might have been too hard on the
girl who said “What?!?” when the guy asked her if he could insert his
testicles into her. My reaction would have been “What?!?” too, not
because I think it’s a shameful act or that it’s shameful to be kinky
or because I think it’s a terrible thing, but because I’d be genuinely
shocked that somebody had found a kink that I’d never even heard
of.
Hearing you speak so casually about it, as
if everyone’s doing it, makes me think I’m more vanilla than I thought.
But I hang around a lot of kinky people and have not heard of this. I
guess I’d just like to say (a) this ball-insertion thing isn’t exactly
sweeping the nation the way your reply to her might have suggested, and
(b) “What?!?” doesn’t always translate as “You should be ashamed”/”I’m
not interested.” Often it just indicates surprise, after which there
might be a discussion. But guys, in my experience, seem to have a
harder time talking about their feelings.
Women shouldn’t be expected to control a
natural surprise reaction to an unusual kink in the middle of sex.
Communicate, men! If he’d communicated with her—if he’d explained
what he was interested in doing—and then she’d said, “You’re a
sick, kinky freak,” then I’d say it’s her loss. Right now I’d say no
one’s to blame but missed communication.
Longtime Reader
Big fan and so on. That said: Why the hell
did you go off on that poor woman so severely? Yes, you’re
right—it would be good to be 100 percent accepting and tolerant
and totally up for everything all of the time. But in what universe is
that completely possible? It’s ideal, but it hardly seems like the
person writing in was downright “sex-negative.”
She could’ve responded better, sure, But
it’s hardly the most egregious offense you’ve responded to lately.
Being spontaneously unnerved doesn’t necessarily have anything to do
with trying to assert moral superiority or exacting sexual/emotional
leverage or any other thing. I don’t know if other readers will find
this kind of dressing-down a little over the top, but it seems like a
reaction to something other than the e-mail as written (or at least as
published).
Puzzled In Brooklyn
Don’t you think you were overly rude and
condescending to Reconsidering In Toronto? If she was genuinely
surprised by her partner’s request, I don’t think it is “establishing
her moral superiority” to exclaim “What?!?” Yes, everyone should be
open-minded and sexually adventurous, but can’t a person just be simply
surprised and taken off-guard, instead of the reaction having to be
part of some social power dynamic? Lighten up.
Reader And Fan
I read your answer to RIT this week about
the dick-shriveling power of “What?!?” in response to a request.
My comfort zone has recently increased with
the help of a more widely experienced friend. I think I react well to
new suggestions, but sometimes I need some time to consider what has
been proposed. So I just say I need to think about it instead of yes or
no, so far always followed by yes. Maybe this is a good practice, maybe
it just works in the situation I’m in currently? Can you give some
general advice about how to react to new suggestions that may make you
scared, curious, and excited all at the same time?
Learning Exciting New Things
•••
They all can’t be gems, people. And how many
times have I mentioned the fact that I frequently write this column in
an impaired state, i.e., in a bar, drunk, and/or stoned? Many, many
times. That doesn’t excuse botching my response to RIT—it only,
you know, provides some context. Thanks to all for setting the
record—and me—straight.
pdxneedmoresex: “its ultimately up to the woman to make the man feel comfortable in bed.”
Alice Roy : “Oh, I see. And by “I see” there, I mean “I SEE YOUR SEXISM” not your point. Die in a fire, please.”
I am a sexist man who recently died in a fire, Ms. Roy, and I find your comment very hurtful.
I don’t think her reaction was un-warranted, whether this was a one-night-stand or they’d been dating for awhile. In the middle of sex is not really the time to bring up a fairly uncommon kink. If you’re dating someone and have been fucking for awhile, have a god-damned conversation, outside the bedroom, about whether or not the other person would be interested in your kink. If it’s the first date, unless you’re hooking up for the sole purpose of getting off on your mutual kink, stick to the basics and wait for an established relationship of some sort before throwing it out there.
i thought Dan’s reaction to RIT was spot on when i read the article the first time and even when i went back and reread it given the lambasting he’s getting from readers. remember, he’s savage, folks and that’s the title of the column. the lady wrote in and admitted to practically ridiculing her man in bed and then later on gabbing to her girlfriends about it. women are not all sensitive creatures, folks. some are pit bulls like sarah palin and as hot as they might seem in one way, in others they may freeze up. they’re human. so are men. expressing shock of any kind during sex is gonna spoil the moment, so any/everyone should have a better line ready than “What?!?” if a partner suggests trying new things. Diplomacy, folks. It’s what’s lacking in America today (and has for the last 8 years).
I think “What!?” is pretty tamed compared to what could have been said. I have to say, I’m intrigued by this particular kink, but if someone tossed it at me out of the blue I would have likely respondd with something akin to, “Holy shit, is that even POSSIBLE?!!” Not out of repulsion or anything, but out of genuine bafflement and surprise. So I think a “What?!” is on par with a “Huh??” or a “What now?” Not a big deal.
No way should that girl be blamed for doing what many people would, that is, express suprise, amusement or quite possibly digust at such a request, and I’m a guy. Put simply, if a guy is so weird and stupid as to want to risk getting his gonads crushed, then he’d better be willng to put up with many people giving him this response. If he wants to get his rocks off that way, he had better be willing to up with some ridicule as well.
I’ve never had any guy ask to do this with me but if he did my reaction would be: “uh (initial surprise), sure, let’s see if we can do it”. I mean, if I’m into a guy I want him to fit as much of himself into me as he can.
No guy has ever asked me to do this but if he did I would have said “uh (momentary pause while processing request), OK, let’s see if we can do it”. If I’m really into a guy I want him to fit as much of himself into me as he can.
Sorry for double post. I’m a novice to this forum.
It’s fine and understandable to be surprised – you can’t control that. However, you can control your outwards reaction. I agree with Dan.
Besides, it’s not like he asked her for something *really* kinky.
Thanks for this. I was starting to feel like I’ve lived a horrible lie — that I wasn’t a kinky-as-hell, bi-poly, bdsm-type so far into edge-play that that I need mountain-climbing gear (and have some, in my toy-closet), because by here was a by-the-deity-of-your-choice old-fashioned heterosexual-possible kink that I hadn’t come across in my twenty years of being a drooling, cackling, twisted pervert. I write _porn_ for fucksake! Really hardcore kinky porn! With my husband! And I’d never heard of this… nor had he. Given that he and I have done, in front of large audiences of some of the most sexually adventurous people in the known world, things which made even the boldest of them whimper a bit and and mutter, as they ran away, “Man, that chick is _scary!_”, I really don’t think the poor woman’s rather mild expression of surprise was all that bad, now, hmm? I mean, dude… I set people on _fire_ for fun. And they _like_ it. If I haven’t seen it all, then nobody can have.
That said, it was rather nice, at this late date, to come across something I _haven’t_ done, done again with needles in, and done in an inflatable swimming pool full of oil-slicked virgins while a live choir sinks “Halleluja.” Keep up the good work.
~ Velvet (yes, it’s really my name. yes, I know it’s a porno name.)