Unless you've been living in a menstrual hut for the past few months, you've probably heard by now that men are out. From (alleged) serial predators like Harvey Weinstein to (admitted) public masturbators like Louis CK to (accused) bad dates like Aziz "The Claw" Ansari, women have just about had enough. Men rape, men pillage, men offer us white wine when we really prefer red, and, when that's over, men go about the business of turning the planet into a steaming toxic waste pit. Sure, #notallmen are dicks, but most of them have one, and the women of the world are done.
Happy Valentine's Day, dudes. This year, all we want is for you to gather up your fedoras and your ball sweat and head back to Mars where you came from.
This is a fantastic time to be a lesbian—or, if you don't want people to yell at you on Twitter, queer. Sure, dykes wear their keys on their belt loops and start processing their feelings before you've even finished coming, but at least we'll never "accidentally" slip our dicks in your poop chute, if for no other reason than we just don't have dicks (well, most of us don't, anyway).
I would like to offer an olive branch to all the straight women out there who have always felt some attraction to other women but have never taken the plunge. It's not as bad as you think. It's actually way more fun than you think. Here's what you need to know:
The stereotypes are true. That old joke about lesbians bringing a U-Haul on the second date? That's not a joke, it's a guideline. Lesbians are the Usain Bolts of relationships: We move fast and love hard.
The sex really is different. And by different, I mean better. You may find the idea of sleeping with a woman intimidating or even icky, but you will soon learn that there are clear advantages. For one, no birth control! You can just rip that IUD out right now, because you are not going to need it anymore. Sure, some women choose to use dental dams or latex gloves when they have sex. But for most of us, "safe sex" means washing the lint off the old dildo collection.
You can't just wait around for a lesbian to fall into your lap. Although, if you are femme, you are going to have no trouble finding girls who have crushes on you. (For the uninitiated, a "femme" is a woman who'd be considered traditionally feminine—long hair, lipstick, high heels, etc.) Do like everyone else does and start with Tinder. Or, even better, go analog. There are still a handful of dyke bars left in the world, and one of them is in Seattle: the Wildrose. Go there. And when you meet a gal you like, treat her the way you'd like to be treated: as a human.
Gender roles are less rigid than you've been led to believe. Femmes can be tops, butches can be bottoms, and everyone can be a switch. There are, it should be noted, some dykes who just aren't flexible about these positions. If, for instance, both you and your partner are pure bottoms, you're going to have some things to work out. It's simple arithmetic: Two bottoms don't make a top, and two tops don't make a bottom. To find out if you are positionally compatible with your partner, you could just start to mess around and see what happens, but then you risk entering a situation where you're both lying there waiting for the other person to climb on. To alleviate this pressure, take a page out of the gay men's playbook and just ask. They literally list their preferences on their Grindr profiles. We should all do a little more of that.
Lesbian porn is helpful. This is the best way to figure out what exactly is on the menu. Just make sure the porn you seek out is actually made for women, by women. The last thing you need are misleading tips from the now-banished dudes who direct most pornos. Carolyn Yates, the resident sexpert at the gay lady website Autostraddle, recommends the CrashPad series, a queer porn classic.
Listen to Carolyn Yates. "Watching lesbian porn can't make you good at having lesbian sex," Yates says. "But it can give you an idea of what lesbian sex can look like between lots of different women into lots of different things. More importantly, it can help you figure out what you might be into, too." Yates adds: "The best way to have good sex is to figure out what you like. Listen to what your partner likes and figure out where those things line up. Everyone is different, so what works in porn might not work for the real live woman in your bed, and what works for her might not work for the next one, and what works for you might be something else entirely. You can't watch someone do something in porn and later do that same thing and get that same result." But you probably already knew that because you aren't a man.
Speaking of sex, oral is generally—but not always—part of the package. The idea of your tasting muscle going into someone's vagina may seem gross to you now, but you'll get over that feeling (which was instilled in you by the patriarchy) once you realize that (A) you can't gag on a vulva, (B) vag tastes way less disgusting than the moldy dicks you've been choking on, and (C) there is nothing hotter than a woman getting off. I mean, that's why guys are so into sex. Right? And, sure, you might think now that you just can't live without a good ol' dick digging in every once in a while, but the good news is, you don't have to go without: Lesbians have dicks, too—and we actually know how to use them to make pleasure for the woman instead of just the man. Plus, unlike your boyfriend's dick, ours are dishwasher safe and you can boil them.
The benefits are endless. And I'm not just talking about sharing clothes, which you and your girlfriend can and should now do. Not only are women superior to men as conversationalists/cuddlers/companions, we can fuck our girlfriends in the handicapped stall at an airport bathroom and no one is the wiser—although we would never do that because, unlike a certain other subset of humanity, we're way too considerate to hold up the line. See? We're also kinder to one another than men are.
You won't have to explain yourself anymore. Women get each other in a way that opposite sex partners never can. As a lesbian, you won't have to explain why you don't feel like having sex on the first day of your period. We get it! Your whole body hurts and there's a DivaCup up there! We won't pitch a fit and ask you to blow us. Instead, we'll pull out the heating pad, put some raspberry leaf tea in the teapot, rub your shoulders, and thank goddess and good luck that the whole world is now lesbian. Happy Valentine's Day, ladies! We're waiting.