We land around 11:15 p.m., Texas time, and our cab driver is an older chap of West African descent. Before we see any fun, we have to infiltrate the heart of the mess—200,000 visitors are in Austin this year—to get a key to a half-empty apartment. (The owner was moving out and gracious enough to let us stay there.) While idling illegally across the street from the bar Red 7 while a friend runs out to get the key, the cab driver, who despite being jovial is not a very good listener, complains that the police “don’t play around down here.” He worries about getting a ticket. We get the key, and we have to inch through throngs of people to get back to open road. People curse at our cabbie. Just out of the thick, we pass by three scrawny young women, and he leans out the window. “If you hit me, I will marry you,” he says with a grin. “Fuck you, nigger!” one yells back. The cabbie just laughs. “Did you hear what she said? That doesn’t bother me at all! What she doesn’t know is, I’m also part Irish and a Jew!” Minutes later, he will say what you always hear people say about Austin. “It’s the most liberal city in the South.”
“Don’t call it anything else, or you’ll sound like an idiot,” a friend says to me early on. Bar employees wear shirts that say things like “Thanks So Much, Now Go Home” or “Don’t Move Here.” That’s great, disgruntled bar employees, but last year this festival brought $113 million to your city. Buck up.
I make it downtown, get my badge, and am lucky to meet up with Abe. He first takes me to an area called the Eastside (he equates it with Seattle’s Capitol Hill), and we have a few rounds at a lovely joint called the Brixton. From there, it’s a modest walk through a residential neighborhood of junk-filled backyards, barking dogs, and spray-painted Mayan symbolism to the re-relocated SiiickXSW party, put on by
CMRTYZ and the Highfives and Handshakes fellows. We’re in a far-flung neighborhood because plans for this show have already been busted up by the fuzz twice.
When we finally echolocate the place, Fungi Girls are on. They fly through a set of catchy garage rock in the backyard of a nondescript house while kids mill about with backpacks full of beer. The going rumor proves true when, after the Fungi Girls, John Dwyer et al. start loading in. The neighbors to one side—a middle-aged Hispanic couple with two pit bulls and a giant bag of sunflower seeds—look on from lawn chairs in the adjacent backyard, clearly ready and in full approval.
I’ve seen Thee Oh Sees a number of times, and they’re one of my all-time favorite bands to watch live, but when they launch into this set, the stuff seems brand-new again. Maybe it’s the locale, maybe it’s the work it took to find the place, but Dwyer’s vocals and guitar tones ring out like he’s re-created the band’s enthralling material in a new but equally pleasing vision. On the porch behind them sits Dwyer’s usual array of amps—piled in a pillar—surrounded by the band’s ample arsenal. Down on the grass, with no barrier between band and crowd, Thee Oh Sees again vanquish any possible nonbelievers’ doubts. People shake, dance, buzz—there is not a frown in the yard. Twenty-five minutes and two encores later, it’s done, and even the neighbors in the next yard are cheering for more. This would never happen in Seattle.
There are many drinks and many bars before the next show, which happens to be Astronautalis from our very own town (I skip Wu-Tang for this, as I’m told it will be worth it). Andy Bothwell delivers like FedEx could only dream of. “Give me 10 subjects to freestyle on,” he says toward the end of an absolutely electrifying set. Topics range from nuclear power to someone’s grandmother named Gloria. He freestyles seamlessly, measure after measure, before breaking into a chorus that sounds like a hybrid of Bruce Springsteen and Tom Waits. Without question, this is a man to watch.
As mentioned earlier, people who estimate this type of shit estimated 200,000 visitors showed up this year for South By. One direct result: You cannot get a cab to save your life. Yellow Cab in Austin has a web form, it has a smartphone form, it has a phone number for Luddites. None of these work during South By. I walk more than 30 blocks from downtown back to 39th and Guadalupe. By the early 20s, I have given up on a cab and start giving all cars the middle finger as they pass me. An Escalade full of bleary revelers passes by, blasting 50 Cent with the windows down. Its inhabitants slow and lob a half-empty (half-full) beer can at me (they miss).
The following night, I am struck on the way to an afterparty by the sudden and undeniable need for sleep. I march up to 8th Street—which I’ve been repeatedly told is the best place to catch a cab—and spend the next 50 minutes waving my arms frantically. Others try to run and grab the doors of moving cabs as passersby look on and laugh. Eventually, a limo stops and honks its horn. My sprint across the street finds me at its door along with a small crowd—one part frat kid and two parts sorority girl. We’re all headed uptown and split the fare. “Show us your titties,” frat keeps saying to one part sorority, until she throws herself into his lap with a gasp of feigned exasperation.
I turn on the local news just to see if it’s any worse than Seattle’s. Breathless reports exclaim, “South by Southwest: bigger, but is it any better?” and the like on every local news channel. In succession, we see the type of clips that the local news loves, a video of Ben Weasel punching some woman in the face and the words “Ben Weasel, of the band Screeching Weasel, punches woman in the face” on the screen. There is a report of a riot at Beauty Bar for the recently reunited band Death from Above 1979, even though the incident consists of less than five people trying to climb over the chain-link fence in the back area. Owner: “It’s good publicity, obviously.”
It could be the weather, or it could be the lack of pretension in Austin, but HOLY SHIT ARE THERE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVERYWHERE in that damn town. Even the women I see who have relocated to Austin from Seattle seem to have multiplied their attractiveness rating by like 10 to 90 percent. I fall in love with a girl who used to live here (hi, Leah). Seattle women, please: Take note of whatever they’re doing down there.
Fred (all the names have been changed, BTW) looks skinny but happy. He drives us straight to Ruth’s Chris Steak House in a rented Escalade. The valet disposes of the eyesore/eye candy, and we enter in T-shirts and hirsute faces. My steak would be mouthwateringly delicious if not for the Red Sea quantity of salt on top. Abe leaves us after the meal to go visit his girlfriend, and Fred and I take the eyesore/eye candy back to his rented house, only it’s not a house, it’s a fucking mansion with a view of the Austin high-rise skyline. Police are standing guard at the entrance to the neighborhood, but they remember Fred and let us right in. As we walk inside, a guy and girl lazily shuffle upstairs. “Who is that?” I ask. Fred doesn’t know. We move past stacks of unopened cases of beer to the back porch for a cigarette. Fred’s company was supposed to throw a showcase at the house, but it got canceled/moved at the last minute. “The owner saw that there were 700 RSVPs on Facebook and freaked out.” Through the window I see the couple walk into the upstairs bathroom.
We call the car service so Fred can stop driving and we can get back downtown. “Do you know where we can get drugs?” someone asks Fred. “Just wait for the driver,” Fred answers. Minutes later, Pablo picks us up. “I can get you seven grams,” Pablo says. Fred and the others balk. “Is that too much money?” Pablo asks. “That’s too much cocaine,” Fred answers. But as almost always happens with cocaine, minds change within minutes, and Pablo calls someone on his cell phone and starts speaking in Spanish. The next minute, we are pulling into a parking lot behind a convenience store, and Pablo puts his Lincoln in park and jumps into the car idling next to us. One minute and he is back in the car with seven grams of cocaine for $200. “I will do the first taste if you don’t trust it,” he says. Fred grabs the bag out of his hand and tells him that won’t be necessary. Some must be done, though. It is late and we are drunk. In no time, Pablo has three giant lines laid out on a Julio Iglesias CD case.
Dear Austin,
I REALLY love almost everything you do. But for Christ’s sake, can you take better fucking care of the pissers in your bars? Emo’s only inside shitter was “out of order,” which I assume just meant that they didn’t want anyone doing coke in there, but what about maybe just clearing the garbage and detritus out of the urine trough once a day? I know SXSW is a captive audience, but for the love of god, show some respect. Your town would pretty much just about dry up into a tumbleweed if it weren’t for this dubious music festival and your goddamn Longhorns.
The UT tower gunman story that anyone over the age of 45 remembers is looming every time I walk past the university. “There are still bullet holes in the wall of a barber shop, if you’re weird enough to look for them,” Abe tells me. I consider myself pretty weird, but I never go look.
Have you guys heard about this genre called bounce? It basically consists of Big Freedia, Katey Red, and Vockah Redu and the Cru—and if Vockah Redu and the Cru’s show Sunday night at Beerland is any indication, it’s the best goddamn thing you will see last year. Are you a gay man or a straight woman? Vockah Redu has like 40 dudes with athletic asses wearing tight jeans and dancing in unison with his razor-sharp vocal barrage. Are you a straight man? Prepare to be converted or not care one way or another as this entourage blows away any preconceived notions. Best live show you’ve ever seen since the best live show you’ve ever seen.
“I am a big fan of systems that make things happen. It’s like scaffolding around a building. If the scaffolding is not strong, the building will fall.”
“The fact is, TV is evolving. And the fact that you can watch YouTube on your TV now means everything. People these days just want to know, and they just watch the same shows as their friends.”
“The Head and the Heart are just amazing”—this from an older man, talking about what he’s seen in Austin. They’re from Vancouver, Washington. His wife confirms everything he says as she’s falling asleep. He orders a sandwich for himself and a glass of red wine and a fruit and cheese platter for her, even though she’s out. I order one glass of whiskey on the rocks and another glass of red wine, drink them as fast as I can, and pass out before he says anything more. 
Thank you for avoiding at least half the usual Austin cliches associated with SXSW or otherwise in your article. Thank you for calling me beautiful, I love you too. Next time I will pick you up from the airport and you may use my clean toilet… just don’t move here.
Here’s a special Facebook club for you and your avid readers to join so you may navigate the bathroom sit more cautiously in future. P.S. The best bar toilets are at Beauty Bar, Valhalla and Swan Dive which means also great for doing drugs, not that I ever would: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Worst-…
OMG! DO YOU THINK GRANT RAN HIS DRUGZ THROUGH THE STRANGER’S COW MEDICINE TEST FIRST?
I HOPE SO! GRANT! BE CAREFUL YOU GUYZ!
The most liberal city in the South is and has always been Atlanta.
Texas is not even in the South.
@40:
Kelly, this one is actually better as “Hitler does an expense report” but maybe it’s just my perspective after years of business travel.
xxxSTEVExxx,
Again your assumptions make an amazing ass out of you. I’ve spent 6 years in the Army, 9 years playing Rugby, that enough can easily earn you more, “Manhood” points than you. Ever killed a man? I have. I’m not proud of it and I hate being in the military, but after trekking the mountains of Afghanistan, any pithy “traditional” manhood value you want to claim can no hold water against what I’ve done in my life. The ultimate issue at hand is you’re an ignorant motherfucker, spouting off shit out of that mouth you’d like to believe is a font of wisdom, but is really just a sewer pipe.
When you want to enter into manhood, give me a call sometime. I know my way around, I don’t need a manchild like you to tell me what’s manly and what isn’t. The problem with people like you is that you’re so out of touch with what it means to be a man, you couldn’t appreciate a woman. So go and play passive aggressive somewhere else, complaining about “womyn” to your buddies in that dark basement as you play your poker game, secure in your manliness, grown ups are talking here and you’re still sitting at the children’s table.
This was terrible. This Grant-guy sucks. The Stranger needs to get some new talent and maybe recruit someone from off the hill and not someone that’s posted up at Big Mario’s washing down their third slice of pizza with their sixth glass of whiskey, putting the polishing touches on this piece of shit. What a debacle. Austin deserves better then this. The women of Seattle deserve better then this. Even the fucking Stranger deserves better then this. Journalism that reeks of loser. Harrop is 100% right on and I’m gonna add that The Stranger should fire this insulting dimwit and make room for someone both talented and appreciative of their position and trade. What a waste. Women of Seattle…don’t change a thing. Austin..stay weird!!
@57 & harrop, agreed!
“In succession, we see the type of clips that the local news loves, a video of Ben Weasel punching some woman in the face and the words “Ben Weasel, of the band Screeching Weasel, punches woman in the face” on the screen.”
I thought Ben Weasel was a woman… so why is this a big deal?
I wonder when the Stranger staff will grow up and realize that bragging about getting wasted is only cool when you’re a teenager? Drunk of the Week says it all: we adore shaming ourselves publicly.
@56 “Ever killed a man? I have. I’m not proud of it and I hate being in the military, but after trekking the mountains of Afghanistan, any pithy “traditional” manhood value you want to claim can no hold water against what I’ve done in my life. “
You SAY you’re not proud of it but you just used it to claim you’re more of a man than me. You chose to become a combat soldier; killing is your metier. Which is something you mentioned in several of your previous postings. And “trekking the mountains of Afghanistan” and “9 years playing rugby”? When did I ever present myself as some kind of macho man? You’re the one swinging his dick around here. OK you win. You have the most “manhood points”. That macho bullshit just doesn’t mean anything to me anyway.
I make a few digs at the local women’s lack of style and their uptight PC attitudes; something they share with the local men BTW, and you just blow up completely. What an intense, angry man you are. All the things you’re saying about me, can be used to describe you based on your posts. Psychologists call that “projecting”.
Oh and I hated the military too that’s why I got out after 4 years. I stayed in the reserves for another 20 for the retirement benefits.
@57 You’re right, this article sucks. Grant C is a 5th-rate Hunter S. Thompson wannabe. Actually this is a common meme (your pretentious $10 word of the day) among Stranger writers to write about themselves more than the subject at hand. I find myself reading the Seattle Weekly more, and I NEVER thought I’d say that.
Oh and I’m done with the guy above.
Grant B. not Grant C.-my bad.
xxxSTEVExxx is right. Too many militant feminist move here to become professional cockblockers and dyke recruiters. I only date midwestern/southern women who love their Dads. The disapproving pseudo-intellectual ‘let’s kill everybody’s fun for Marx’s memory’ makes for the perpetual cold shower that is Seattle dating. Ugh. That’s without even bringing up the vegan idiocy.
‘FreeBuschblahblah’: you’ve obviously never been in a real fight (not a Seattle male catfight) or had a job with real men.
UT Tower shooter? That’s all you got? C’mon Grant…how much coke did you really do?
Charles Joseph Whitman has been legendary in the music world for decades thanks to ex-candidate for Texas Governor and all-around Mensch Kinky Friedman. Friedman’s “The Ballad of Charles Joseph Whitman” forever immortalizes the humanitarian exploits of the ex-boy scout turned rifleman with a real rip snortin’ electric country tribute.
I suggest you familiarize yourself with Mr. Friedman and go find a copy of his 1973 album Sold American which includes the above mentioned masterpiece as well as other great country classics such as “Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in Bed”, “We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to you” and “High on Jesus” amongst others.
Here’s the lyrics to “The Ballad of Charles Joseph Whitman”:
He was sitting up there for more than an hour,
Way up there on the Texas Tower
Shooting from the twenty-seventh floor. Yahoo!
He didn’t choke or slash or slit them,
Not our Charles Joseph Whitman,
He won’t be an architect no more.
Got up that morning calm and cool,
He picked up his guns and walked to school.
All the while he smiled so sweetly
And it blew their minds completely,
They’d never seen an Eagle Scout so cruel.
Now won’t you think for the shame and degradation
For the school’s administration
He put on such a bold and brassy show.
The Chancellor cried, “It’s adolescent
And of course it’s most unpleasant
But I got to admit it was a lovely way to go.”
There was a rumor about a tumor
Nestled at the base of his brain.
He was sitting up there with his .36 Magnum
Laughing wildly as he bagged ’em.
Who are we to say the boy’s insane ?
Now Charlie was awful disappointed
Else he thought he was annointed
To do a deed so lowdown and so mean.
The students looked up from their classes
Had to stop and rub their glasses,
Who’d believe he’d once been a Marine.
Now Charlie made the honor roll with ease,
Most all of his grades was A’s and B’s.
A real rip snorting trigger squeezer
Charlie proved a big crowd pleaser
Though he had been known to make a couple C’s.
Some were dying, some were weeping,
Some were studying, some were sleeping,
Some were shouting “Texas # 1!”
Some were running, some were falling,
Some were screaming, some were bawling,
Some thought the revolution had begun.
The doctors tore his poor brain down,
But not a snitch of illness could be found.
Most folks couldn’t figure just-a why he did it
And them that could would not admit it,
There’s still a lot of Eagle Scouts around.
There was a rumor about a tumor
Nestled at the base of his brain.
He was sitting up there with his .36 Magnum
Laughing wildly as he bagged ’em.
Who are we to say the boy’s in
Who are we to say the boy’s in
Who are we to say the boy’s insane ?
Here’s Kinky in Austin circa 1975… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a50gPRSi3…
Amazing, texas is still a piece of trash shithole from hell, and what’s worse is they seem to be proud of it.
xxxSTEVExxx, you certainly got riled up. It shows your character that you decided to stay in the Military as a reservist, knowing full well how corrupt and amoral the military is as an organization. You are a mercenary, nothing more, “retirement benefits” or in this case blood money.
I’m not an angry man. I am at peace with myself and others. You on the other hand launched on assault on the women of Seattle from behind your internet firewall. Such a brave a noble man you are. Please… go take your story else where.
@NannyState, it’s hard to have a debate with someone that has the same intelligences as a blighted Irish potato. Your homophobia is laughable. Your idiocy, not so much. For someone so concerned with the gays and their “dyke recruiters,” you’d think that you’d be able to spell marriage correctly. However, looking through your overcompensating past posts, you are a failure of grammar and spelling. Go troll somewhere else, your passive aggressive nature is obvious in your overcompensation on the internet. The lot of you posters (xxxStevexxx and others) are just poor trolls or poor excuses for humanity. Ill educated and of ill repute, your pseudo-machismo is merely misanthropic and misogynistic to cover your failures.
#57 – “Fats” has got to be Eric “Fits” Grandy. Hmmmm?
interesting to compare women Austin vs Seattle, i have had this same debate in my mind since i moved here in 92.
Austin is hands down better with White/Jewish women, most of which are very well off and from other neighboring cities like Houston and Dallas. So in that way it is a bit of a regional hub.
Seattle has traditionally had an advantage over other parts of the country when it comes to Asian women. However, this is changing. Austin now has a fairly dynamic Asian population which ranges from college imports to home growns, there is even a little Saigon north of 183.
one should always look closely as most alternative types (hot women especially) in Austin are trying it on for size, the previous week they may well have been in Cabo for spring break…
I don’t know how you out of towners do it. The lines, the expense, the lines. If it wasn’t for the VIP parties we go to, SXSW would be a blip on our radar.
I’ve always thought Austin women were some of the hottest around.
Cabs are hella hard to get during SXSW. My advice is to go to the local Goodwill/pawn shop and buy a cheap ass bike. Leave it unlocked at the end and walk away.
BTW I fucking hate, HATE the term South by. I’ll call it SXSW even if it does make me a cranky old man.
Vote for your favorite NW Music Festival @ http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=ques…
sounds like the stranger wasted money sending you there. Hardly any coverage of the bands. They could have saved money and had you write about a weekend on capitol hill.
And y’all didn’t go to the UT Kerbey Lane? Fuck this article.
My spouse and I moved to Seattle from TX 7 yrs ago and have heard the same over the years.. that TX women in general are hotter than their northern counterparts. I don’t think it’s true and neither does my husband and here’s why:
1.The weather has a lot to do with that. Less clothes, more skin to bare and keep toned and tanned, etc.
2.The farther south you go, even in the U.S., the more prominently you’ll see traditional gender stereotypes as the socially-sanctioned norm. Yes, a generalization, but a true one. Hence, a lot of women in the south are responding to the culture around them (and vice versa for the PNW, too).
3. To specifically address the “Austin vs Seattle” women, Austin is a big college town and SXSW is a big draw for college kids. So the author is running around amongst the mostly 20-somethings and comparing them to… the whole population of Seattle women. Apples and oranges. I’m sure UW has it’s fair share of beautiful (and brainy) women who, if the climate was more like that of Austin’s, might be more inclined to show more skin more of the time and a lot more men might notice them, too. Have you not noticed how everyone up here starts shedding clothes like mad when the temp gets anywhere above 53 and it’s sunny?
4. I bet the female population in Seattle, as a whole, is every bit as fit as Austin women but, because of the geographical and cultural landscape, may feel freer to not wear so much makeup or stay in the tanning bed year round. They’re busy hiking, biking, swimming, sailing, kayaking, etc., year round.
Why do the women in Austin look so much more beautiful than women in Seattle? Well, I’m from Texas and was in Austin the week before south by, so I think I’m qualified to tell you why the femmes in Austin seem so much more beautiful, vital and sexy than most here in Seattle–because the chicks in Austin are actually ENJOYING FUCKING LIFE, that’s why!
Why do the women in Austin seem so much more attractive, vital, fun and sexy than most of those in Seattle? It is simply because the women in Austin are FUCKING ENJOYING LIFE, THAT’S WHY!!!
Tanning bed? In Austin? That’s like saying Seattle women carry misters for their hair! There is actual SUN in Austin! And- not coincidentally–fewer mopers.
And it is not just looks–its attitude. Not about “showing skin” but in “not hiding.” Not about ” trying to please men” but rather “not being truly comfortable with themselves. I’d say its many Seattle women who are overly concerned with what others think, too concerned with SEEMING hip, green, liberal, alternative and gender neutral. Seattle women ARE beautiful–they just don’t seem to believe it themselves.
Ok–too much coffee in system to be typing
..but don’t pretend you don’t know I’m right!
Ok, all points are good but #79 gets more philosophical than what i thought the original tone in the article was…
But, on that same note, sun does make everything better, makes everyone look better, makes everyone feel better. Perhaps this is where they get their sunnier disposition 🙂 Not that I’m conceding my points. Like I said, it has mostly but probably everything to do with climate and the culture of climate. What about those Brazilians even farther south? SUN is your answer.
I know you were trying to make this article edgy by being an asshole and acting like you don’t care. But there is zero content to this story and I feel stupider for reading it. thanks for wasting my time.
Yuck.
Before Seattle men complain about Seattle women they should take a look at themselves. Just saying.
Funny how Kari Harrop is dogging out Grant’s article for not covering the Seattle bands. Maybe she should have gone herself so she could kiss some more Seattle ass? Possibly try to reinvent her days at sub pop when music and bands were actually thriving in this town. Once an underground rock fanatic to a failed hip hop manager, your time has passed move along to the bingo table.
Ya man, you totally nailed Austin! Why would anybody move here? I don’t have a clue… So, tell your friends, AUSTIN ISN’T WORTH MOVING TO! Don’t move here. It’s totally lame! don’t move here! The only thing you got wrong is the women. Ugh, what beasts! Any straight male would HATE AUSTIN! DON’T MOVE HERE. Austin also has more STD’S (STI’S) than any other city in the nation! Gross! DON’T MOVE HERE.
The dead sea has way more salt than the red sea.
What a lame piece this turned out to be.
Austin is a cool city with or without SXSW. Personally, I think any city that naturally has a strong music scene can do without huge events that do nothing but annoy the hell out of the locals. All it does is call out the stupid drunkin frat boys and ditsy sorority whores to come and make a mess of your town. It doesn’t reflect real local living in the least.
As for Seattle/PCNW women… well, I think they’re hot as hell. So what if they’re standoffish and don’t feel like having you drool on them. Just because they aren’t throwing themselves at you it doesn’t mean they’re not attractive. I live in La. now and these Southern ladies bore the shit out of me. For the most part, they’re the epitome of drunkin self-indulgents you would find on any “Girl’s Gone Wild” video and the equivalent of the female version of the gweedo douche behind the camera.
I found Seattle women to be intriguing, challenging, intelligent, and didn’t have to be a feminist to have some fucking self respect. This isn’t to say all Southern Bell’s aren’t as well, but majority rule.
So I say to the women of Seattle and Portland, thanks for keeping your tits in your shirt yet still managing to rock whatcha got.
What a lame piece this turned out to be.
Austin is a cool city with or without SXSW. Personally, I think any city that naturally has a strong music scene can do without huge events that do nothing but annoy the hell out of the locals. All it does is call out the stupid drunkin frat boys and ditsy sorority whores from around the country to come and make a mess of your town. It doesn’t reflect real local living in the least. So don’t move to a city based on that.
As for Seattle/PCNW women… well, I think they’re hot as hell. So what if they’re standoffish and don’t feel like having you drool on them. Just because they aren’t throwing themselves at you it doesn’t mean they’re not attractive. I live in La. now and these Southern ladies bore the shit out of me. For the most part, they’re the epitome of drunkin self-indulgents you would find on any “Girl’s Gone Wild” video and the equivalent of the female version of the gweedo douche behind the camera.
I found Seattle women to be intriguing, challenging, intelligent, and didn’t have to be a feminist to have some fucking self respect. This isn’t to say all Southern Bell’s aren’t as well, but majority rule.
So I say to the women of Seattle and Portland, thanks for keeping your tits in your shirts and still rockin whatcha got.