Black water in the middle of Puget Sound.
An uneasy December night. 1:50 a.m. The port-side deck on the last
ferry for Bainbridge was empty. I was standing by the railing watching
the city grow small. My cymbal bag was next to me, tied to my right
ankle, and there was a cinder block in it. I use the cinder block when
I play—it goes in front of my kick drum. It’s impossible to play
when the kick drum is unstable. The rope tied to my ankle was new and
triple-knotted on both ends. I’d go down in the Sound upright, maybe
see fish eyes. Jeweled fish eyes. But the cold would sting. And the
water pressure. Puget Sound is 900 feet deep in places.
I had become nothing. I was over. I was going over. I had come back
from a six-week tour with 40 dollars to show for it. My Sex in the
City–fed, man-eating girlfriend was done with me. According
to her, I was a womanizing asshole who spent all his time in bars. I
was scum and a failure. I was a waste. Exhausted from the touring and
weeks of nonsleep, I believed her. My shame had risen to a level I
couldn’t take anymore.
All I’d thought about for days was coming home to her and the
apartment we lived in. The Christmas lights in the little tile kitchen.
Getting to sit at our breakfast nook with toast and jam. It wasn’t
much, but the little things in the back of my mind were what kept me
going on that financial bust of a tour. But I didn’t come home to a
smiling face. I came home to a bunch of packed boxes. She was moving
out. She couldn’t “take it anymore.” She accused me of cheating on her
with her best friend. (I couldn’t stand her best friend and hadn’t seen
or talked to her in months.) She needed to be with someone who “wanted
more from life.” She needed to be with someone who could be financially
stable.
I stared at the water. The depth taunted. Would they find my body?
How would they break the news to my parents? I picked up the cinder
block and held it against my chest. A plane flew overhead, and I
thought about what the pilot dreamed the night before. I thought about
the spin of the earth. The time to jump came. Now, must jump. Must do
it.
We met at a Re-bar fashion show. I fell in
love from across the room. I snagged her business card off a table,
e-mailed her, and we met for tea at the Panama Hotel Tea House. We had
white tea. She had amber eyes. She didn’t tell me she was seeing
someone else until the end of our date. But I’d suspected. She said she
was trying to get out of her current relationship, and my feelings for
her made me oblivious to all that that meant. I was single as could be.
There were worlds in her eyes. They were all I saw. She told me she
wanted to see me again. Her boyfriend was out at sea running a fishing
business. Nothing wrong with getting to know her, right?
We started seeing each other regularly. Her boyfriend would be back
in six weeks, and she was going to break up with him so we could be
together. I was totally in love with her, and she seemed to feel the
same about me. We batted rocks with driftwood into Puget Sound. I met
her mom. I wouldn’t kiss her while she was in a relationship with
someone else, although I guess you could say what we were doing was
already, in a way, cheating.
She didn’t end it with her boyfriend when he came back in town. She
disappeared with him for 10 days. Then she told me she was going on a
business trip to L.A. But that was only a half-truth. After the
business trip, she went to Burning Man with him, which I found out from
other people. She finally fessed up to it. Needless to say, I was
devastated. She came back and after a few weeks started calling me. She
said she didn’t know what to do. I remember her telling me that she
loved me and that her boyfriend was controlling. She said she was
afraid of him, and I thought I could show her real love. One night, she
called and said he was out of the picture—that she had broken up
with him for good and wanted to be with me. I was happier than the
sun.
Most musicians are impossible to deal with, and I’m probably no
exception, but it seemed like our lives/careers/neuroses fit together
perfectly. She loved the music and the shows. She loved coming to see
me play. She ran a little fashion business, and I would wear her
outfits. She helped and donated her time and services to the band’s
music video. We made such a good match. She even talked about wanting
to come on tour with me and sell her clothing designs. We were each
other’s biggest fans. It all hummed along perfectly—until I would
leave for tour. Before I’d go, she would become accusatory and mean.
She was always apprehensive about it. I would tell her I loved her more
than anything and I would be back in a matter of weeks. I called and
texted her multiple times a day. The tours ended up being hell, and she
would cry half the time we spoke, and there was nothing I could do or
say to make her happy.
It would get to a point where she would stop taking my calls. And
when we did talk, she would accuse me of being with some girl. I’d get
defensive and we’d argue. It tortured us. I spent more energy worrying
about her than playing music, which I should have taken as a sign that
the relationship wasn’t working. The pressure that touring puts on a
relationship amplifies all the problems in the relationship—and
every relationship has problems. But then I’d make it home and things
would calm down.
How do other musicians do it—go on
tour while being in a relationship? It wasn’t just her who hated it. I
hated it, too. I was full of jealousy because of all the other guys
constantly calling her. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I said mean
things to her about them and cut down their sleazy,
cologne-
wearing, fashion-mogul ways. She had lots of men in her
life. Leaving for tour with them swarming all around her was hard for
me. She would start out supportive; she’d wish me luck. But three days
in, everything would devolve. I would miss her call, not return it
quickly enough—and the cycle of doubt would begin. She thought I
was with some 19-year-old college girl, doing my
Led-Zeppelin-on-tour-at-the-Edgewater imitation, when really I was
stuck driving in Cleveland rush hour, two hours late to a club. I tried
to show her I was faithful, but I don’t think she believed me. I told
her over and over that sloppy drunk girls at bars after shows aren’t
attractive, but she didn’t hear me.
On her side of things, she was turning down invitation after
invitation from other guys to go to Europe and Mexico for getaways. I
felt like I had to compete with these guys the entire time I was with
her. Her boyfriend before me kept at it, asking her out for Valentine’s
Day (for two years). I called them “the suitors”—guys who wanted
to bang her, who always seemed to be on the scene. It riddled me with
doubt.
And it was demoralizing to go on tours and not make money. To work
that hard at something and come home empty-handed. But it was an
investment—and like any other business, it takes money to make
money. I also desperately needed her acceptance of what I was doing,
which was never going to come. Touring was wrong. I was abandoning her,
and my being away made her really sad. I tried and tried to show her I
loved her, but it never worked. I could never prove it. I never had
enough money to fly her to Mexico. I wasn’t going to amount to
anything. She would flip me off in front of her friends when we went
out. Never once did I ask myself why I was with her. Never once did I
realize it wasn’t a good match. She was so beautiful, it intoxicated
me, owned me, and caused me to make wrong decisions at every turn.
I was too busy trying to prove I wasn’t a bad guy, too busy
competing with the suitors she constantly dangled in front of me. What
a mindfuck.
I was standing next to the railing on the
Bainbridge ferry, and I couldn’t move. Couldn’t jump. Yet another thing
I couldn’t do. I stared at the water. I stood there holding the cinder
block, and kept holding it until the boat pulled into the Bainbridge
terminal. A voice over the loudspeaker blared, “All passengers must
disembark the vessel.” So I did. I untied the rope and walked off. I
put the cinder block behind a Winslow Dumpster, sat down, and stared at
the boat I was too afraid to jump off of. I stared at it until the sun
rose. Then I reboarded, rode back to the city, and reentered my life as
a broke drummer scumbag who couldn’t do anything right.
I look back on that night and think: What the fuck was I doing? I
can’t believe I had become that low. I almost sank myself to the bottom
of Puget Sound because of some stupid relationship? A relationship that
was doomed from the moment it started? But this is what touring can do
to a person’s mind. Touring can wipe away common sense. Isolation in
the van gives you tunnel vision. Those endless hours on the freeway
heading home, my self-doubt and self-hatred grew and grew. I didn’t
want to be coming back broke. I didn’t want to lose the girl I loved,
or thought I loved.
Somehow though—even though I was too broke to impress her, too
broke to make her happy—I had paid her share of the rent
the month I was on tour. In fact, I’d been paying for half of her rent
since we moved in together, and the security deposit. And somehow I was
paying for her car insurance. And working for her business for free
every weekend. Somehow she had such huge issues with my financial situation.
Meanwhile, dudes would call at midnight, two in the morning. She
would never talk to them in front of me. I would ask why they were
calling at 2:00 a.m., and she would say it was work-related. I asked if
they knew she had a boyfriend, and she would say yes. Once, I picked
one of the calls up and asked the guy. He didn’t know about me. But the
call was totally work-related, at 2:00 a.m., on a Friday night. She
said I was abusive and controlling because I picked up her phone. If
that was going on while I was in town, I could only imagine what it was
like when I was gone. But I was the bad guy; I was the flirtatious
asshole. My sense of self was zero. I thought, This can’t be
happening to me. I know I’m better than this. Please tell me I’m not
really in a relationship like this.
It’s part of a touring musician’s job to flirt—to talk
to people, to hustle, to sell CDs and merch. Do I want to have sex with
every person I talk to at a show or sell a CD to? No. What I want to do
is make money, make a living, and meet people who come out to hear
music. Meeting nice people on the road when you’re far away from home
is golden. But I was losing my ability to do it. As soon as we finished
a set and it was my turn to man the merch booth, I felt ashamed. I
couldn’t talk to anyone—that would be flirting. I wanted to hide
in the greenroom.
We started going through each other’s phones and computers. It was
madness. I would ask her if she was talking to her ex-boyfriends and
hanging out with them. She would say no. Her phone showed they had
spoken five nights in a row. She’d pick up my phone and see a call from
my brother, not recognize the number, and say I was cheating on her.
She had forgotten my birthday, but we spent three counseling sessions
on my leaving for a two-week tour. I wanted it all to stop, but it kept
getting deeper.
It was embarrassing to look through her phone and e-mail. I never
got the sense she felt bad looking through mine. I looked because I had
to know. And sure enough, she was lying through her teeth. I found one
of the suitors on her MySpace page and wrote him to see if he knew she
had a boyfriend. He replied, “I didn’t know she had a boyfriend, but I
would have probably act [sic] the same as you. 😉 Thanks for
getting back to me. Ciao.”
She would look through my phone to even the score, but there was
nothing to see. After being with her for a year, I had no more female
friends. She accused me of being sexual with every single one of them.
I wasn’t even allowed to hang out with my cousin. I sat there and took
the lies and felt lower and lower because of it.
I did the guy thing and thought I could make it better. I could show
her my love was real. Any money I had on tour, I spent on gifts for
her. There were no other women—just me trying to pay down a
student loan, play music, and make ends meet. For bands that aren’t on
a major label, touring is a grind. There’s no glamour whatsoever. Few
bands lead the Radiohead life. Touring for midlevel bands is like
working on a fishing boat. A typical day finds you crammed in a van,
rushing to get to the next city and venue. If you’re not driving,
you’re sleeping or trying to. Food is from Taco Bell and truck stops.
Once at the venue, you unload the gear and wait for a sound check.
After sound check, there may be a couple hours for dinner. Then you
come back, set up, play your set, wait until the last band is finished,
load out, pack up, and get paid. Nights end with you crashed on
someone’s floor next to spilled bong water. Sleep is maybe four hours.
You wake up and do it all again. Twenty nights in a row of this leads
to a strung-out headspace. There’s never privacy, there’s no place for
privacy, and the stress is gargantuan.
How could I have time to be intimate with someone while I was on the
road? I barely had time to microwave truck-stop breakfast burritos.
I think a lot about the mindfuck of it,
the jaws of contradiction, the paradox. She needed and wanted me to
make more money from touring—if I was going to do this with my
life, I did need to make more money from it. I got that. But in order
for that to happen, there would need to be more people at the shows,
which meant more girls, which was not okay, either. So I was screwed
both ways. Come to think of it, she wasn’t okay with me talking to guys
at shows, either. One time, a guy I had known for 10 years came to a
show and got really drunk. At the end of my set, he ran up and gave me
a hug and kiss on the cheek to congratulate me. He was shitfaced. I was
thankful he was there. I hadn’t seen him in forever, and he paid $12 to
see me play. She accused me of having a gay affair with him. He was
straight.
I begged for us to get couples counseling. And after months of my
begging, she relented. I wanted to establish trust and communication. I
wanted to hear her feelings and work things out. But the counseling
didn’t help. She dominated the sessions, and the counselor just enabled
her issues, never calling them out. I was “leaving” her when I toured,
I wasn’t “making enough money,” and I was “interacting with girls at
bars”—a huge fear of hers. I tried for two years to prove I
wasn’t a sinner, and never could. How do you prove that something that
didn’t happen didn’t happen? That is the crazy thing about a
relationship with a lot of built-in distance: You’re not around each
other. You just don’t know. Your worst suspicions grow and grow, and
you have no way of knowing what’s real.
What the hell was I doing with this girl? How pathetic was I? I was
too in love with her, or obsessed, or infatuated, to realize that deep
down I would never trust her. I couldn’t face it. My friends told me to
end it. But I thought it was love; I could show her, show them. I
wasn’t going to abandon her. Meanwhile, she had talked so much shit on
me around town, I’d pass people on the street who knew her and they
would practically spit on me. After one of these encounters with a
friend of hers, I e-mailed the friend asking what was up, and she
replied:
I thought you were bad-news due to what she told me (horrific
stuff!). I was just trying to support a friend at that time by
believing her stories. Sorry.
I was that asshole drummer who treated his girlfriend so bad. I
became extremely defensive and depressed. Toward the end, she had
stopped acknowledging we were together at all, even though we lived
together.
Then I started making money. We had toured
through places a few times by then, people knew us, and we were getting
some real money for the shows.
I was returning home from a 10-day run down the West Coast with
money and gifts, feeling proud, when I got a call from a friend who had
seen her with an ex-boyfriend. It crushed me back to nothing. I
confronted her about it when I got home, and she said she hadn’t seen
him. She denied it. That was my greeting. Welcome home, have a lie. I
said, “Let’s look at your phone; I know you’re lying.” She said, “Let’s
look at your phone.”
And then it happened. My lie. I handed her my phone, telling her I
had nothing to hide, and there was a text on it from “Mich” that said,
“I’m in boots and nothing else, get over here drummer boy.”
It was from a girl who was the promoter’s friend at a club in Vegas
we had played. Everyone had exchanged numbers at an afterparty. “Mich”
and I had exchanged stupid joking texts the day following the show. She
was a single mother, really nice, and had paid to come see my band,
which helped put a couple hundred dollars in my pocket. I never saw her
or spoke to her or had anything to do with her again, but my girlfriend
was on the offensive and I had a suspicious text on my phone. Never
mind her lie. I froze, did the dumbest thing possible, and told
her “Mich” was a guy in one of the bands we played with and we were
joking around. She pressed the green button. I grabbed the phone out of
her hand. Then I told her who “Mich” really was. She grabbed the phone
back and threw it against the wall, smashing it into pieces. She
screamed, “I knew it all along!” and ran out of the room.
We did the back-and-forth, off-and-on thing, until she eventually
started dating a younger model down in L.A. Which is funny, because she
had always told me that I was going to cheat on her with a 20-year-old
model from L.A. She had gone to L.A. to clear her head, she said. She
was dating this model guy but still telling me she loved me.
She came to two of my shows in Seattle and called me crying in the
middle of the night telling me she missed me and really wanted to see
me the next day. We met and talked about starting over, but when I
found out about her L.A. model, I was pissed. I found out he was coming
into town to stay with her. I sent her a text message or three telling
her to fuck off. Then I had to go on a tour down the West Coast. She
told Mr. Model about the ugly text messages I sent her, and he wrote me
a threatening e-mail that said, in part:
Trent, you should immediately stop this insane and stupid behavior.
I’m giving you a fair warning. You are creating a recipe for a very
bad situation. I have very little patience for what you are doing…
STOP THIS FUCKING SHIT NOW! I’m only going to say it once. The choice
is yours from here on. Also, never talk to her again. EVER. You
really don’t want to get me involved. Trust me. Take this very very
serious Trent. Continue writing and playing music and try to enjoy
life. NEVER EVER CONTACT HER AGAIN; EMAIL, CALLS, TEXT, MESSENGER
BIRDS. ERASE HER INFO. DON’T EVEN TELL HER ABOUT THIS MESSAGE. Its
your choice. Don’t get curious about me either. You don’t want to see
what happens. I never want to hear that she was contacted by you
again man. JUST WALK AWAY AND LIVE IN PEACE.
Don’t make me your enemy. I’m very serious. I cannot express how much
I mean it.
P.S. my friends said you did well at the silver lake lounge the other
night. keep up the good work. keep away from her. its a simple
request. you’ll be glad you did it.
she better not her about this message!!!!!!!!!
Thinking back on it, when she and I started dating, I’d basically
written the same macho, chest-puffing letter to her ex (minus the
threats of violence) telling him to stop contacting her and to leave us
alone. I see now that it was a textbook cycle of emotional abuse and
lies.
I didn’t feel comfortable having my tour schedule in the public
domain for her new boyfriend to see. He was obviously upset. Great, now
I was going to have to start wearing a Kevlar vest. I was already
freaked out enough as it was.
I texted her one last time telling her that lawyers had her new
boyfriend’s letter to me and that he should quit it with the threats.
She replied that I deserved whatever he said. That’s the last
communication we had.
Over time, the hardest thing for me to
accept was that this relationship never should have begun at all, that
those three years were a waste, that I’m that big of an idiot. I’d like
to say there are good times to remember, but they are hard to let in.
She did have nice pets. Her Chihuahua was a pleasant animal. But the
more I remember, the more I see how dumb I was. There are so many worse
things going on in the world than a drummer’s broken heart. I needed to
get a grip. And I did. Finally.
I’m in another relationship now, and we’re taking our time. We trust
each other and have our own lives. We don’t get bogged down in all the
worry and contempt. Texting seems to be the best way for us to
communicate when I’m on a tour. Texting is a way to stay in touch
without trying to have an impossible phone conversation in a crowded
van. We talk when we can. It’s been cool to tour and be able to put all
my energy into playing shows. Imagine that—touring and
concentrating on the music. It is possible to be in a relationship and
be on the road after all. We’ve been seeing each other for eight
months. 
Pathetic in every respect, from both sides, I guess in the name of catharsis? Who cares?
Ouch, I bet the author’s going to really regret this article. That was painful to read (and I only got through half) and he should’ve just sent this letter to his ex.
Other people’s relationship problems aren’t that interesting unless a) you know them, or b) they are part of a well-written novel.
Quick someone, call the Wahmbulence.
I wish the stranger would give me a platform to publicly vindicate myself to the people I feel wronged boy (hear that shitty ex-boyfriend?!?).
Seriously, how is this newsworthy, interesting, or of any merit whatsoever. If you’re going to do a human-interest piece, pick something less lame and less shallow. And make the writing less hackneyed.
@3 – It’s not news. It’s an editorial.
And it just so happens that sometimes shit like this is worth reading; particularly when the reader has gone through something remarkably similar.
it wasn’t a waste of time. you had lessons you needed to learn from it. thanks for sharing trent.
I enjoyed reading this!
so. “feature” this week actually means “petulant, self-aggrandizing diatribe that would have been better for all involved had it been kept to the confines of the writer’s own personal diary.” good to know.
great read. couldn’t stop reading. who cares? i do.
also, where do i sign up to be his sugar momma?
You haters are gonna acuse Trent of whining, but the truth is, most guys have been in that kind of situation, and like the author, we learned from it.
The difference is that most of us just cringe when it comes up and try not to think of it, while Trent had the fortitude to write about it in excruciating detail. Props.
Excellent piece. Lively topic. Loved it.
It happens to all of us. Hopefully only once.
This is sweet, I hope they have lots of toast and jam together in the mornings. Those are the best times, nay?
weather we want to admit it or not alot of us(not everyone) are in the same boat. we don’t realize how stupid and petty our relationships are because we are in them but we all fight about these things ie: trust,money,ex’s… we just don’t realize how pathetic we look to other people because we are in love. good story.
My favorite part of this is the letter from her new model boyfriend where he tells Trent he can’t send her messanger birds. Nice touch. He’ll probably be beating her within 2 years. Then she’ll drive her next man batty till he’s crazy and tying cinderblocks to his leg.
My band toured 3 times last year and I came home with NO money every time. I would have been overjoyed to come back with $40. Good thing I wasn’t dating her. Newer bands NEVER make money from touring. Such a sad trend to see happening these days.
This was a poignant piece on many differing levels. Really brings up an interesting subject matter. I’m really glad Trent had the balls to write it and I’m really glad I read it.
1,2, & 3,
You are my favorite kind of comment leavers. The ones who tell The Stranger what they should and shouldn’t be publishing.
Point me to your paper and I’ll see what stories you are printing, and I will judge.
No wait, my favorite comments are when anonymous commentors are complaining about other anonymous comments.
So you are my 2nd favorite kind of comment leaver.
That is all.
Why did this guy get a headlining piece? It was basically an “I, Anonymous” gone way too long.
Enjoyed it – Trent, you’re hilarious and awesome. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Trent, I liked the piece. Having been in several touring bands over the years, this really made me appreciate my supportive girlfriend(s).
I don’t think your experience proves that touring in a relationship is hard, I think it proves that you were dating a jealous, controlling asshole.
Nice article. Thanks for not jumping!
I don’t think that sort of thing happens to everybody, but it can happen to anybody. The touring aspect of the story just gave the ex-gf a very specific kind of target, she would have been equally controlling and abusive no matter what the author’s occupation was. I wish him luck in continuing to understand himself. I know I still look on my relationship which devolved into this and worse, and have to struggle to give myself fair shrift, I can’t disentangle everything that was happening at the time. Plus, in my case, i did do the irrevocable, not suicide, but I broke the law because I felt so dead-ended, lost, and alone that I started to lose my sense of right, and of self-preservation. Eventually, this led to me getting the help I needed, but its been a long road to stability and letting go of shame. (Thanks to the folks at Anger Control Treatment and Therapy. Anyone who finds themselves in these types of relationships should check out the classes offered.) This article did a great job talking about a topic which is too often glossed over and avoided. Thanks.
enjoy this great post.thanks for sharing
“Her Chihuahua was a pleasant animal.” Haaaaa!
Don”t go anywhere, drummer boy. You are loved.
this is the epitome of what is wrong with men in the pacific northwest….pathetic, whiny, weak-willed, mama’s boys. Get your shit together fellas. The women up here want MEN, not dribbling little girls.
Way to not fucking jump off a fucking ferry, Trent. WIN.
I thought it took courage to get all that stuff onto ‘paper’. I enjoyed the read and I think most people can identify at some point in their lives with some of your situation. Thanks for putting it into perspective, Trent. The beat always goes on…
This article was a total waste of time. Who fucking cares about your bed wetting whinny pig crap. LOSER! Your current girlfriend will probably leave you when she finds out that you are still bitter over your ex. I feel sorry for her. You need to grow a pair of balls. Now make a song about that.
Thanks for all the comments everyone. It’s been incredibly difficult to get along without the use of my messenger birds.
23 – “this is the epitome of what is wrong with men in the pacific northwest….pathetic, whiny, weak-willed, mama’s boys. Get your shit together fellas. The women up here want MEN, not dribbling little girls.”
You are exactly right.
&
26 – “This article was a total waste of time. Who fucking cares about your bed wetting whinny pig crap. LOSER! Your current girlfriend will probably leave you when she finds out that you are still bitter over your ex. I feel sorry for her. You need to grow a pair of balls. Now make a song about that.”
Sorry it was such a waste of time for you. And thanks for thinking about my balls. AC/DC already wrote a balls song.
@ 23 & 26: Your attitude might occasionally get you laid, but it will never get you loved.
Best of luck with that jealous anger. Real men are capable of emotions beyond blind tantrums.
Tonight, one of the most legendary bands that Seattle can (kind of) claim will make a room full of people lose their shit. The Spits will murder 40 minutes of punk rock and give the kids and the old people at chop suey rock and roll boners for days. They are supported by the cute lepers, who despite having lost a member in the last year, have become a tight, interesting band to watch. I hear that the Oh No Nos are really fun and weird and really cool too.
My question, is why the fuck is the plug for this show taking a backseat to a masturbatorily self-absorbed diatribe that some dude wrote about his fucked up relationship? why would the stranger give this childish rant a venue? is this rag here to plug rock and roll shows or to stroke the egos of manbabies who play drums in rock and roll shows? reading it made me embarrassed, like i was watching Mark Mcgrath whine about getting molested on reality TV. didn’t anyone think it was weird to publish those emails?
That dude is not the scene. the rock and roll show tonight is the motherfucking scene! see you there, bitches.
I mean no offense, but if thats what you consider a threatening letter I’d hate to see you in astrong wind. Or a hip hop act.
How do other musicians do it—go on tour while being in a relationship?
Well, we don’t go out with psycho hose-beasts.
There were so many warning signs going into this that you chose to ignore, I don’t know where to begin.
Trent I thought drummers were supposed to flirt?
Great read – thanks for sharing, Trent. Good to hear you are on a better path.
And to those commenters who think this isn’t worth reading – welcome to the Bitter Psychotic Bitch Club, psycho.
I can’t believe that he is childish enough to write about a something like this where the dialogue is certainly one-sided. The readers will never hear the ex’s side of the story. This is pathetic unbalanced writing used to get sympathy and to cause embarrassment. This guy is a loser. He’s jealous and bitter. Message to the wise, don’t believe everything you read. Why publish private e-mails you weirdo?
Your current woman might be understanding about the fact that you are faithful on the road but if my man ever publicly berated, whined and told the world in an online newspaper article he was thinking about suicide over an ex–I’d be dumping his ass pronto!! Have some respect Blondie.
This is a childish and pathetic article used to gain sympathy and to cause embarrassment. Word to the wise, don’t believe everthing you read. The readers will never get a chance to hear the ex’s side. This is unbalanced writing. Why would you publish private e-mails, you weirdo? Enjoy more public outcries from a bitter and deranged man.
Although the tour descriptions were colorful,
this story was less about the road, and more about his shitty girlfriend.
haha, take that shitty girlfriend!
I’m glad you came out the other end, Trent. Thanks for writing this.
Trent you hit so close to home its scary, glad im not alone my ex gf emailed this article to me…
23- your a cunt not a woman
& 29- fuck your “scene”, now go hang out in it
I completely agree with #34. What this guy is missing isn’t balls or manliness (or whatever sexist inference posters above have made), but class. Yes, most of us have been in bad relationships with bad people, but most of us deal with it privately or among close friends, not in an overly long, self-indulgent rant in a city newspaper.
Since the author is in a popular band, I’m sure there are plenty of people reading this who know the ex personally, and this absolutely comes off as little more than an attempt to embarrass and get revenge while gaining sympathy. Gross.
30 – “I mean no offense, but if thats what you consider a threatening letter I’d hate to see you in astrong wind. Or a hip hop act.”
Uh, Trent does play in a hip hop act. Saturday Knights.
I know both people involved so this was fascinating to read. I had no idea she treated you like that. I’m happy for you that that is now in your past. Thanks for writing such a hilarious and well written piece about this relationship.
Surely the word “class” escaped you, Trent.
Too bad I know both you and this “ex”. What you wrote is a bunch of one-sided lies, and selectively biased events, which serves of course to embarrass this girl and seek undeserved sympathy from those who don’t know you.
I hope people are not that dumb.
Grow up. You are lucky that she didn’t get a restraining order on you. And just by writing this out in public, it just shows, once again, that you are a controlling, vindictive psycho.
This is one heck of a way to ruin your band’s reputation.
42 – you have no idea, well, because it wasn’t like this.
I feel sorry for his current girlfriend. He said he’s been with her 8 months and still thinking about this dumb crap. That means that this had to be very old news. He must not be happy with her either. Why is he trying to embarrass this girl on a public platform. I agree with the people that say he is just telling his version of the story. Its also sad that Trent has to create accounts so that he can comment positively on his own story. You can tell he’s doing it. Tasteless. Unpleasant. This is a scumbag move.
I know, or knew, both people in this relationship. I had no idea she treated you like that. I’m happy for you that it’s now in your past. Thanks for writing such a hilarious and well written piece about this relationship.
Trent, seriously, contact Ira Glass with This American Life. This is exactly the kind of real life material that keeps that show interesting. I think TAL would be interested in you reading this for an episode. The article was part commentary, part self-help book, part train-wreck and held my interest through the whole thing. Too bad the Twit heads on here, can’t read or comprehend more than 3 lines of characters strung together without their heads exploding.
This whole thing makes me horny
How did this take courage to put on paper? It takes courage to deal with being gone from your girlfriend. It takes courage realizing if your girlfriend wants to cheat on you she can find someone to fuck while you are in your back yard having a cigarette. Jesus christ I feel for Trent, he is insecure and so is she and the two combined ended up in a trainwreck.
Guys need to realize that a girl can get another man whenever she wants. If she is not already cheating it is because SHE LIKES YOU not because she is being watched by you.
As for the cologne wearing douchebags that may be true but his feelings about them is really a reflection of his own insecurity. Being able to dress like a douchebag without feeling like an idiot is a sign of confidence and women love confidence. This is why the average douchebag walking around in belltown on a Friday night can get chicks. They may dress like idiots but in a weird backwards way it makes them attractive to women.
Again I feel for this guy as he is not sure of himself when he is the envy of so many people in Seattle. So many people would LOVE to go on tour and come back broke or even in the hole. They would pay just to do it and run themselves into debt. His just needs to accept his own life before any women will. Women are not what complete you, they are attracted to a person who is complete.
Ira Glass would laugh him out of his office.
I feel sorry for this new girlfriend, (if she exists) knowing full well that you have even been trying to contact this ex- in the past year, probably behind her back. A guy in his late 30s, who doesn’t even have his own place, someone who can’t hold down a simple job to make rent, irresponsible, controlling, and a stalker?
How does TheStranger get this guy to write? I hope you guys are not paying him much for this diatribe.
Trent, you’re obviously a good soul. Let’s hope you’ve learned the identifying markers of Psycho Bitches so you can steer clear of ’em from now on.
And for what it’s worth, almost all of us have some version of this story in our pasts. Glad you lived through it, too.
Good mindfuck Stranger-boy Trent; real good yum like these kinds of stories make my day see how the other half lives good human interest wow so keep it up no pun intended gopher it Moorman Stranger traveller pilgrim
I saw the situation between Trent and this girl carry on from the beginning to its end.
This girl lied her way through the entire relationship. She lied and had no conscience. She lied without regret. She worked him and played with his heart and his mind from day one.
I for one am glad to see her called out. I was friends with one of her previous exes and she cheated on him. And did the same thing to the guy before that.
Man Eater is right.
Whoever ‘deslisla’ is, you are full of shit. Who’s the stalker? From your comments, you might want to look in the mirror. If there’s a restraining order that needs to be filed, it doesn’t need to be against him.
I’m glad you’re here Trent. Keep it coming.
It is interesting that the comments here have much in common with the relationship Trent writes about. A side taken, a preconceived notion whose bias is mostly a reflection on the commentor, not the article. No thought that things are usually some shade of grey, not black and white. No desire to learn anything or think openly but rather just verbiage to convince who (yourself) that yes, you are solid in your views, justified and obvious. But what the fuck does anyone know of Trent, the gf, or the relationship? Even the comments on the motive to write/publish the article are not so simple- a public literary bitchslap? A piece to help other folks floundering in their relationships? Catharsis? Publicity for the band? To have the final word, or to keep the dialogue with her going? Or what mixture of these things and others? The comments are so strong yet uninformed and perception is reality- the dangers of this being one of the points of the article, I think.
So Moorman is creating more new accounts to support himself. Classy.
#53 – another example of Trent making up stories/comments. That new chick better run! ha! and Dave Einmo should be embarrassed to have him in his band.
There are drummer jokes for a reason
Everyone has gone through this or will go through it at some point, which is why it was decidedly uninteresting. The biggest problem with the piece is that while he admits the petty jealousy of their arguments he still has a painful desire to be on the winning side, on the record, for everyone to see.
What with all the whining about whether this is worthy of being printed in The Stranger? I can’t tell you how many Stranger articles I’ve began to read but simply lost interest; this one I actually bothered to finish! And no I don’t really care if every word of it is “true” or “biased”, it’s written from one side’s perspective (duh!). If the ex-girlfriend cares enough to write about her side of it, we’d be happy to read that too.
Broken Hearts Are For Assholes…
keep the beats flowing and your head out of your ass drummerboy.
One of the worst long-form “features” the stranger has ever run. So totally lacking in wit, style or self-awareness.
Would you like to read an endless, pointless, entirely self-justifying diatribe about why I REALLY REALLY HATE my ex-girlfriend? And how I never did anything wrong EVER but she was a total lying bitch about it anyway? And, god, I bet she’s really (finally!) gonna feel bad when she reads it.
You wouldn’t? I can’t imagine why not…
#55, deslisla, you didn’t have to help illustrate my point by example, but thanks
What happened? Did the Weekly find this guy’s story too boring?
I’ve never Heard Head Like a Kite and I sure as shit won’t bother now. Listen to some Slayer and grow a pair.
One of the best long-form “features” The Stranger has ever run. This really hit home for me in many ways. Tough times right now for the music industry and the country at large. I applaud the musicians and the writers and the artist who keep doing what they are doing.
@ 50, Desisla: I’m late 30’s and don’t have my own place. Lost my job, and struggle for work to pay all my bills. I have a masters degree to pay for as well. Have you looked around? This author isn’t not the only one in that boat. (No pun intended, too soon?) Or are you too busy being a bitch and playing your victim card to realize how off you are?
And to that: I’ve been regularly reading Trent’s work in The Stranger for 2 years now and from what I can see online, he writes for multiple publications. I’ve seen and heard him play music in 4 or 5 separate projects and he’s got mad skills on the kit. Regular work? Damn, I wish I was this busy.
He’s a musician and a writer, doing it regularly and working hard. Fault him all you want, but you’re the one who ends up looking bad.
You stalk the comments then accuse someone of stalking. Your game is played and old. People like you need to realize other people aren’t there for you to just walk over.
I had a very similar GF to this one. So this is personal.
I can see the point of everyone claiming that this is a bit too whiny and personal and doesn’t deliver on the promise of measuring touring’s true impact on a relationship. All are valid criticisms.
But, taking it as read, it seems pretty obvious that Desisla is probably Trent’s ex’s current boyfriend, or a man in her life that she has worked up.
With a different title, or goal, the article could well have been about how certain women use guilt and paranoia to control the men in their lives. It is only a man in that state, whose emotions have been properly stoked, who can do pathetic things like write threatening emails or trash someone on a comment board with personal information, with that kind of abandon.
Anyone who can hop from one relationship to another without a re-group and recoup period alone is a red, red flag. Doesn’t matter what one is running from or running to. If someone can do that, it demonstrates a real lack of the kind of depth a healthy relationship must have.
There sure are a lot of people commenting on how pointless and stupid this piece was.
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that they’re probably the ones who’ve never had an experience like this and think they’re too good to ever get involved in one. Ugh. Grow up.
Yeah, it’s kind of a trite story… but, you know, if it’s so trite, why does it keep happening, all the time, everywhere? There’s something valuable here, even if there is pettiness and self-pity.
I can’t comment on the relationship but I do know Trent left his previous band under some pretty… interesting circumstances because of his behavior.
Anyone that plays music and has toured can identify with this story. Great story btw.
Anyone who has been in a relationship with a liar can identify with this story.
Anyone who travels a lot for work and is away from their partner a lot can identify with this story.
The comments this girl is sending in and getting her friends to send in show her true colors. She sounds like she’s continuing to accuse and she sounds like she needs to get back into therapy. I have a couple guy friends who are with women like this – that punish them by having other guys. The answer is simple, they need to break up with the women. But they don’t! What’s wrong with you men?
The author was stupid and lame for staying in it, yes. However, he would have been an ‘abandoner’ if he had cut out.
Mindfuck is a great word for this!
I’d also like to say how much I love reading about how fucked up other relationships are. God it’s entertaining.
Trent left one of his previous bands because the singer was a wastoid pot head. They never toured and weren’t going anywhere. Where are they now? Nowhere.
Interesting circumstances because of his behavior? What like not wanting to be stuck in a basement doing bong hits for the rest of his life?
I wish he were my drummer!
Hey Trent… at least your ex isn’t like this drummers… LOL
http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/13…
Someone mentioned This American Life. They did a great show on breakups, including a piece by a girl who was blindsided by the end of her relationship and decided she was going to learn to write the perfect break up song. THAT was a story. It took an experience that we could all relate to and elevated it to story level by putting an unusual twist on it.
What was the content of Trent’s piece? He meets a girl, she treats him badly, she leaves him, he contemplates suicide, gets angry letters from the new bf (who is the most interesting character in this article with the funny messenger birds line), and meets a new girlfriend. Excuse me, but big fucking deal. Where was the actual story here?
Trent certainly wasn’t a compelling character. His only flaws were being too naive, according to him. He described his ex in such stereotypical terms as “Sex in the City-fed” and the new boyfriend as “LA Model.” There was no depth or unique quality to any of these characters, or interesting outcome/ realization of any kind on the part of the author.
Nothing interesting or out of the ordinary happened here. So what was the point? This felt like something I’d read on Live Journal, not in a newspaper.
I’ve been the ex-girlfriend. Guess what, I had low self esteem and did not appreciate my boyfriend’s enabling. Subsequently, I lost someone I actually cared about, because I acted like such a fool, and he wouldn’t take it. I still respect him for that. Though we’ve since parted ways, he had the greatness of character to never make me feel like crap about it either. Sometimes there’s only one way to learn a hard lesson. The only thing that got me to change was wanting the good person I felt like inside to be the same as the person who interacted with everyone else. This came in handy when I met my love of now 8 years. I should feel lucky only the first boyfriend has tried to vilify me in my family’s eyes as opposed to the entirety of The Stranger’s readership. (This move resulted in me refusing to speak to my family for two years, after all where do you think I inherited my low self esteem?) I have no sympathy for that tool (BF#1), he was after all getting sex I didn’t have the self respect not to have. This guy was doing the same thing, thinking with his little head and whether he cares to admit it or not, reaping the sex. I was 18, no one felt sorry for me, nor does anyone feel sorry for the multitude of women who play the girl-version of Trent’s role. Therefore, it would be sexist to feel e/sympathy for Trent. Since he’s a musician, I think a song might have been more artistic than this particular read.
I saw Trent’s current girlfriend with some dude the other day. Oh shit hope that doesn’t make him write another Gone With the Wind and cry in the shower. Loser
I saw Trent’s current girlfriend with some dude the other day. Oh shit hope that doesn’t make him write another Gone With the Wind and cry in the shower. Loser
Anyone ever think that Trent doesn’t have it all? Was it really all her fault? I know this situation well. Guess how long it been over and done?…Over two years. Get over it. What the hell is he still crying for? He’s 38 and still a boy. Concentrate on getting your sorry life together.
Good news, she sounds like a controlling psycho bitch who plays the victim to make you feel like shit so she seems like a goddess in comparison. If I were her doctor I’d prescribe a daily dose of shut the fuck up and tell her to call me in a year.
Uh… Seriously???? and as the FRONT PAGE STORY?!?!….. boooooo f**king HOOOO… buck it up dude… shit happens, thats life.. ya can whine and whine or learn from the mistakes… but for CHRISSAKES on the front page of the stranger?!?!… dude thats what your freinds are for.. not a public smear like this.
Also this sounds AWEFULLY one sided… so you were a complete angel, never did anything wrong, it was ALLL her she was pure evil… wonder what her side is… like a VERYwise freind told me once.. there are THREE sides to evry story… his, hersa, and what actually happened.
And you seriously gave the letters to a lawyer?!?!…c’MON man up here. Tell him yer gonna do what ever the f**K ya want and he’s gonna like it or lump it.
I guess the REAL patheticness is that I am responding to this…. man am I bored… but dude… stop the whining, grow some and write a good country song about it!!
Don’t know how do this non anonimously so I’ll sign right here… William Blaak
To those of you who can’t do anything but call the writer a looser, and the like?
Tell us your life stories. Or do you have that courage?
What a poignant story. I’m sure there are so many men whose jobs require them to travel alot can relate to this dilemma; fisherman, truck drivers, band members, salesmen and the like. In the end it sounds like it was a win-win situation for both of you and it sucks that you had to go through all that drama. Thanks for sharing Trent.
All stories are one sided. Even “news” stories. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree with it. You don’t have to give two shits about it, but guess what? Way more mother fucking people are gonna read his story than your whiny little comment about how you felt forced to read some story that you didn’t like JUST BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE STRANGER …
I dunno as far as pathetic goes …
thank you, trent. i, for one, thought it was a great article.
@65 – Sorry for your losing the job; but that’s not incompetence, you have proven yourself with the Master degree. Trent, however, was an irresponsible guy who couldn’t hold down a single job. Good entrepreneurs can start a business/band/whatever while keeping themselves afloat.
Regarding comment stalking, he laid it all out for himself. Moorman started this article himself, with TheStranger’s blessing for publication. If he is allowed to throw his diatribe out here, her friends (like me, and no, I am not the current bf, not even a boy) who know her are certainly going to call him out for what he is.
He started this. 2 years after the breakup. Doesn’t the existence of this article show his character by itself? If I were the head person/manager at Head like a kite (and I believe Dave had more than enough managerial experience at MS) to fire this person. This is bad for branding and their reputation. Trent’s skill is easily replaceable. It’s not like he is the 1st violin at Seattle Symphony.
Real men move on. But some boys never grow up. Good luck to his current girlfriend.
This guy should chuck his kit and replace it w/ a DEAD HORSE!
Irony: that the greatest and final testament to how pathologically and embarrassingly fucked-up was this situation/relationship and ALL those involved was the publication of the “article” itself. One could only redeem himself by disavowing any involvement and moving on, but no, we get a feature-length article dripping with tales and signs of rampant personality disorder.
It’s hard to wonder if Trent has a secret enemy at The Stranger who gave him the venue as “enough rope.”
@29 LOL! the cute lepers… lost a member in the last year…” tee-hee! Get it? How often?
And, YES, I’m busted: I admit I’m pathetic enough to have read the whole article AND all the comments ranging from 1 to 13 on the Lame Scale. You know who you are.
This is seriously fucked up.
Worst thing ever. Super super gross.
Anyone who has been in a band or a crew know’s the truth of all of this. If you can’t relate then you should consider yourself lucky.
That or you’re not in the industry and don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
I guess no news is bad news for the stranger. Why else would they put this vomit on the site? This guy is pathetic for writing this…I guess all touring musicians go through this situation. I guess none of them can sustain relationships and all have jealous girlfriends. Then I guess all musicians should date each other on the road.
I don’t really believe my last statement just like I don’t believe this sorry excuse for a human being Trent. What a SOB. I hope the people you’re writing about (including your current girlfriend”) have more class than you. I guess you should watch behind your back when you’re performing when you pull these kind of putrid stunts. I know he better never have a show in my town.
What a great story. Heartfelt and well written.
And that psycho bitch is still stalking him in the comments. Probably has a substance abuse problem.
By the way, Sweetie, if you are reading these comments, no one believes you because you can’t fake what Trent wrote. Every word rings true to anyone who has dated someone like you.
This comment thread is a fucking work of art.
I don’t think it matters what the feature piece is like in The Stranger. People are always going to have good & bad comments.
Personally, I have been on both sides of this situation & really, it sucks. I took it as lessons learned rather than a waste of time.
People like her obviously have issues that need to be talked about in counseling. Something that she needs to take care of before getting into one relationship after another.
As far as Trent goes. Good for you realizing that you deserve different. And good for you for not being the stereotypical touring boyfriend who will cheat on his girlfriend. Better yet, congratulations on what seems like a more healthier relationship.
Hahaha. What a fuckin loser this guys is man. For every negative comment about his story he writes a comment under another name. Guess what dumb ass…some people know everyone you wrote about and they have lots of wonderful friends that care deeply about them. They are good and loving people. We know the situation. We know that you’re a liar, manipulative, pathetic, and a 38 year old no home having, jerking off under your panda suit, compulsive stalker and a waste of the little talent you have. So for you to write this means that you want to cause trouble in a small town. Those two are happy and forgot about you. I told them about this story and they laughed it off. Everyone else has a peaceful life and has forgotten about you. You put yourself out there as a target Trent. Good luck sleeping a night you idiot.
It never fails that a bunch of people will line up to crap on the person who shows some vulnerability. Really, the nasty comments are just boring.
Reading this, I felt old.
I think people get into these drama laden relationships because it feels exciting. A lot of people are sleepwalking and the emotional intensity of chaotic, unhealthy relationships wakes them up. They feel alive, at least at first. I don’t know if you can say that relationships can be addictive the way substances are (although a lot of people do say this), but there are similarities. The addrenaline rushes that come with intense fights or being furious with someone and about to leave, can be drug-like, particularly when they’re followed up by the redemption of making up which in turn is also drug-like.
The problem is that this stuff not only becomes a lot less exciting with repetition, but also aggravating and tedious. Still, one or both partners in the relationship might hang in there hoping to recover that original sense of excitement–just like that first high that addicts are always trying to recapture–or that eventual sense of relief when the drama stops. (Think meth or crack versus heroin or benzodiazepines.)
In reality, relationship are not all about excitement and peak experiences. People in long term relationships who say that they still feel that tingly, infatuation adrenaline high, every day when they think about their partners are full of shit. It doesn’t work that way. If it did, none of us would accomplish anything else. We’d all be self-obsessed and kind of dumb. Body chemistry even changes at relationships progress. People produce hormones that cause a sense of comfort and well-being instead of excitement.
Add all of the above to a relationship between two people involved in careers that thrive on adulation and breed insecurity–both (careers) depend on other people’s praise–and it’s just worse (i.e. more intense drama, deeper pain and loss, more risk of rejection: your career could end/never get started if people don’t like you).
Seems like a person could lose their sense of direction in life and get caught up in a lot of petty bullshit (e.g. the writer’s girlfriend leading a bunch of men around by their dicks just to feel attractive and loved, the writer wasting money on a woman who will never be satisfied with him for reasons that have nothing to do with him).
To the writer: Good luck with all this. I hope you find your balance.
I can’t believe a 38-year-old man wrote this.
And I’d just love to see the response if a woman had written it about an ex-boyfriend.
so, when is the stranger going to publish grown-up articles? who cares about this guy’s romance problems? there are about a thousand topics that would make for a more interesting and informative read, but i suppose when you are reading a glorified junior college paper, that’s too much to ask for.
Holy shit Trent. She dumped you over two years ago and you’re still not over this…dude. I thought you were an ok person but now I see you’re crazy. And as far as I know, she had to pay the rent for the three months you lived in that apartment together. Get a life fella.
I think I’m going to stop reading the Stranger. Completely irrelevant, self-absorbed, and boring. Someone needs to start a new paper in this town. Maybe I will.
I probably just would have written a song about it instead.
Wow – substitute bartender for drummer and I swear to god I thought I wrote this. Thanks for helping me realize I’m not the only one. You need trust and mutual respect from both in a relationship.
There should be a violin to this sappy story. Why is this for the public to see? Why is this guy a writer for any publication? He’s in a band too??? It must not take much effort to make noise in Seattle. Mr. Moorman, get a counseling session set up, stop bashing some girl that apparently dumped you two years ago (WTF!) and last but not least concentrate on whatever you got going on now. I’m pretty sure you’re current mate is upset that you can’t get your ex of your mind after two years.
trent – read your story, felt good about it, its true, we all make mistakes, and then blame ourselves…its part of the journey…then i made the mistake of reading some of these comments…i cant believe, i dont know, just how MEAN people are…you didnt do anything wrong and i liked hearing about your story…take care
As I was reading this, I cringed a lot – assuming it was written by a very young man. We’ve all been there in our 20’s.
But he’s thirty-fucking-eight years old?
There’s a subtext in this that reads “I’m a rock star and can attract the status symbol that is the super-hot crazy girlfriend,” because guys – admit it – you kind of seek this shit out until you grow up.
I don’t buy that Trent was a total victim here. It takes two to create such a fucked up dynamic. Are you planning to give his ex a front page forum to tell her side of the story?
My guess is both people are emotionally immature narcissists who could use a lot of therapy. Why didn’t he just write a song about this? Dude, your pain is not that unique and certainly not that interesting.
This is the dumbest article ever. Who CARES. You deserved that crazy chic. Seriously pathetic.
90, ‘I guess you should watch behind your back when you’re performing when you pull these kind of putrid stunts. I know he better never have a show in my town.’
You sound like her boyfriend.
Nice. We got you noted.
forget the ex-girlfriend’s side of the story. i can’t wait to read the current girlfriend’s article when that relationship dissolves (if it hasn’t already.)
or i could write it for her in just a few words: “what the fuck, man?”
because seriously, what the fuck were you thinking?
Did Trent work at Orpheum back in the day?
@103, I think he did do something wrong, and that he’s the asshole here, not the commenters. He’s a guy in a couple of well-known bands who decided to write this article publicly trashing an ex-girlfriend who I’m sure many people know personally.
This girl doesn’t even sound that unusual. When I was in my 20s I met my current boyfriend. Before him, I’d been in love with a guy who cheated on me and dumped me out of the blue. As a result, I had trust issues and accused my current boyfriend of flirting with other people for the first three years of our relationship. I was a terrible girlfriend. I have no idea why he stayed with me but luckily he did, and now I’m not like that at all.
We all have our low moments when it comes to relationships, and for someone to completely flip out like Trent did and try to humiliate & vilify his ex because she was bad at dating is really appalling and shows a complete lack of character on his part. Plus, the writing is absolutely terrible. It’s just one long stream-of-consciousness rant.
i liked reading this story, i know too many friends who have gone through shit like that, i enjoyed reading this story
Childish drama. They deserved each other.
this was so awkward to read, & even sillier to write.
Courage man, a nearly-identical thing happened to me, though in my case I was going off to college instead of going on tour. It’s amazing how horrible someone can make you feel when you’re caught up in feelings of love for them–that perspective that shows you just how nonsensical it all is, how horribly you’re being treated is just impossible to attain. I never got the the point of holding that cinderblock, but only because every person who really cared about me spent months telling me to get the hell away from her before it was too late. I think people seek to cover their own self-loathing by projecting their own flaws onto others, it’s hard not to fall into it.
Hope the new relationship goes well.
Trent my darling, would you like me to punch some peeps in the eye balls for you?
Reading this actually made me want to die inside. It made me want to die because I date musicians. It made me want to die because I work in fashion. It made me want to die because the whole thing (her described behavior and him describing it)would seem immature and pathetic if people my age (which is close to half of his), did it. I live on the other side of the world and I still feel like this made me and everyone I know look bad.
Most of all it made me want to die because if this can happen in Seattle, then it can probably happen here, and no one I know deserves to have their dirty laundry aired so publicly.
It was a rookie mistake: you thought pussy was free. It isn’t! It never is-never was! And now you know.
Hahaha.
Anyone who spends a lot of time away from their girl gets some shit. This is just life.
This girl sounds like a serious bitch, so I guess you got your revenge by savaging her on the front page of The Stranger.
I would personally encourage you to get as much pussy as you can when your on the road. Surely it would make up for the shitty pay.
It’s hard to make a living through rock and roll, theater, photography, film making, etc. Thank God for that, actually. I used to bitch about it when I was a starving artist but in the end I think it just toughens folks up and makes the best work rise to the top.
That said, I enjoyed the honesty of the piece and wish the author luck.
Oy! Trent! Reading this article was like re-living the past year and a half with my own psyco habitually lying ex-girlfriend. Reading it I knew exactly what you were feeling and exactly what you were going through. It was totally refreshing for me to see that other people have had to deal with the same kinds of bull from the same kinds of psyco chicks. Thank you
I feel like the comments on this thread supporting Trent are largely from dudes who are still bitter about their own ex-girlfriends, and I just want to add that as a woman in her 30s, I have tons of girlfriends whose ex-boyfriends were just as insecure, jealous, and controlling. I’ve heard far worse stories from them than this one, so please leave the girl-bashing out of it.
#117 is a good dude… loves his country, I can tell. The best things in life have not come without a fight
I think I can safely say that I, and every other person who has ever dated an emotionally abusive lunatic, salute you.
I’m sure everyone likes to think they’re smart and would notice the warning signs and never fall victim to a relationship like this, but sadly the crazy usually comes to the surface only after you’ve made the mistake of falling in love with them.
I hope that your writing this piece was cathartic and helps you move on with your life to better things, and I certainly enjoyed reading it.
Interesting that the ex-girlfriend apparently only dates men who are gone for long stretches: fishermen, musicians, models.
Trent… you know not to pay any of these bitches getting all riled up any mind right? That would be silly.
You have nothing to fear ever 😉
Pat Boone doesn’t fuck around.
I keep hearing men complain about how women are gold-digging bitches, but then put up with a psycho simply because she’s stereotypically “hot”. “Hot” women can be psycho because they can have any guy they want (who will put up with their shit just so they can have the “hot” girl). Ugly/fat girls like me actually have to grow up & be mature, respectful adults because we can’t just coast by on our looks. Not that it helps us much! We’re still relegated to the role of the good friend who is like one of the guys, or the fag hag. If I had known that I would still feel like I was in high school when I was still in my ’30s, I’d have moved to Antarctica years ago 🙂
@123 Pat Boone doesn’t fuck around. He gets fucked in the behind. Dan Savage style.
Trent is a great guy, having met him and Dave several times at shows. It is too bad that this had to happen to such a good person. But as with all musicians with talent in the beginning, girlfriends tend to see the outside before looking in, and once they get to the truth of the matter, they end up either falling apart or being the best thing for you…
It would have been nice to have this article be about a somewhat normal relationship struggling with the absences associated with touring. That’s essentially what the subtitle promised. Too bad it was more about a trainwreck of a relationship where those long absences were only incidental to the story.
It’s also too bad that men don’t get the same lessons women do on how to avoid/identify abusive control freaks. Isolating someone from his/her friends is a major red flag.
I knew one of her previous exes. They broke up under heavy “turmoil” as well. She was two timing him and there were money “issues”. She owed him a large sum of money. And there were accusations him of being controlling and manipulative. I was a woman and was forbidden to see him. Sadly this story sounds familiar. She’s not a saint by any stretch so let us not be fooled. Sounds like everyone is in a better place.
As someone who was a career musician’s girlfriend/lived together, I have to wonder why neither of you considered the idea of an open relationship. I don’t consider it normal for a young, healthy person to like the idea of forgoing sex for weeks at a time, but that doesn’t have to mean immature behavior or a breakup.
#125 Let me get you dinner ;D
#125 is a traitor! He hates America, and everything we stand for :|
Pretty pathetic. A girl was crazy and treated you like shit, but you kept her around cause she was good looking.
The writer portrays himself as someone who made many noble sacrifices for love, and cruely had them thrown back in his face. “Oh, she thought I was a scumbag, but I wasn’t, I swear….”
Boo hoo. He wasn’t so noble. He knew she was insane. He just wanted to fuck someone hot, and was apparently willing to put up with any amount of drama for achieve this goal.
The reason this story is in the paper is because the editors at The Stranger wanted it there. They knew it would be a lightning rod. They were right.
Great piece, Trent. Madness. Well put.
Maybe next time her boyfriend will think twice before he writes threatening letters to people that write for publications.
trent, that girl is a total bitch and doesn’t deserve you. you should have stopped seeing her when she left to burning man with her ex. buck-the-fuck-up.
Just checked these goobers out on Youtube and have concluded that this band blows. You guys are way too old to think you’re the shit. And why do people keep saying that they’re “really well known?”
This article would not have been written unless she has some amazing tits, and yet the only tits we get to see are his.
ok everyone Especially Trent, mellow out and GOOGLE “malignant narcissism” and “narcissist supply”. Then read the book “Why is it always about you?” by sandy hotchkiss, and “The sociopath next door” by martha stout. The last book to read is “People of the Lie” by Dr. Scott Peck. Then you will know that the girl friend is a case of emotionally arrested development. She has no empathy or feelings for anyone but herself because she is emotionally a 12 month old baby – despite the outward appearance.
We are all born parasites. As fetuses we suck life from the womb, and as infants, we manipulate by using our charisma to charm our parents into taking care of us. When that doesn’t work, we rage by crying. In response we get to lay back, get fed, diaper changed and lots of attention. This is a hardwired survival mechanism, without which we would die as helpless infants. The human mind is also wired to learn language and to bond emotionally at 1 to 4 years old. If it doesn’t happen during these years, it never will. The sociopath never learns to bond and consequently behaves just like Trents girlfriend.
The roots of this personality disorder are SHAME AND ENVY. The inability to bond with the parents or to have love from them, creates an unbearable shame in the infant, which is repressed and the child learns to act SHAMELESSLY. Trents story is valuable because it illustrates SOME of the red flags. The lies are symptoms of illusions of grandeur. They envy everyone for even the smallest things.
Trents girlfriend is a novice. I have experienced and know others who have experienced much more sophisticated sociopaths with the same textbook behavior. They are like vampires, they hypnotize you with charm, baffle you with the pity ploy, then despise you for pitying them because you can’t see how superior they are to you. They confuse you and control you with rages, then they say they are sorry and tell you they love you. Trent was lucky he had no money because she would have ruined him finanacially. Slander, sabotage, poison are all part of their repertoire. They have driven many to suicide or an early death from the stress. Others like scott peterson or drew peterson, simply kill their partner, take the life insurance and move on to the next victim. Here’s the weird part: while you are in the relationship, YOU CAN’T SEE IT. To you, this is different, unique, you are soul mates, destined. What do they want? Money, yes, but mostly, they can only feel alive and validated by controlling you: Your money, your attention, your emotions, your will to live. They know they don’t have emotions and that you do, so they entertain themselves by pulling on the marrionette strings and watching you dance.
Ever see a cat playing with a mouse but not killing it? They have no empathy for the sheer terror in the mouse which finally dies of fright.
There are so many of these vampires disguised as humans out there and they are hard to see. They take a huge toll on our society as they extract the life blood out of individuals. They need to be exposed and we need to stop tolerating them.
Thanks Trent for doing your part. PLEASE READ THE BOOKS. Once you have been a victim, you are actually more likely to be again, because it seems “normal” to you.
Trent What a fuckin pussy. You’ll be forever remembered as a sorry little boy of no class. Gross.
It takes courage to tell the truth. It takes cowardice to hand wave over your own flaws and write something thats all, this person was so terrible, I was nothing but a victim of this crazily abusive person, listing all the things they did and all the ways you were a saint. Everyone does this after a breakup and everyone knows how full of shit we are when we do it.
The new girlfriend must be so flattered that you’re this hung up on the ex still.
I literally began to feel dizzy as I read this, it’s as if the author himself is still spinning in the same place he’s been for 2 years?! If you can’t move on from the dot, if you don’t have some forward movement, what really is the point?! (No hindsight without humility)
That being said, I can totally relate to many parts of this story, and I am so glad my rants on past (fucked up) loves were never published.
-I am twice as glad I loved all of the crazy ones, got hurt, and MOVED ON! (no, REALLY)
Fascinating, Trent! —like reading the delusional, self-absorbed diary entries of a 13-year old girl. Loved the attempts at poetry (“I was happier than the sun.”) and the paragraph-long portions of “incriminating” personal emails and text messages were a nice touch too. That’ll show ’em!!!!! ;-P
I agree with commenter #38: You and your pathetic diatribe have definitely come out the other end.
#57
what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
homeless.
Oh geez, how much more Seattle-style passive-aggressive can a guy get? This is clearly a case of trashing the ex concealed as “venting”.
this is the worst article since….the last article moorman wrote!
PATHETIC
@137—Spot on. Commentary here is less about the author’s account and more about whether or not we believe the female half to be “believable” as a character in a story. Any one who has dated someone like her knows this story…knows it is true, and it resonates. Yes, we all have a part in relationships, however, that part can vary depending on emotional variables. Narcissists prey on the weak; and by weak I mean: they find WHATEVER untreated dark spot exists in your psyche, and once you are hooked, disengaging is difficult.They are experts at is; they have highy tuned emotional radars on how to abuse, manipulate, and extract (unlike most of us, whose instinct is to hopefully love, share, etc.) I have been with someone like Trent’s ex and I can assure you: it was the departure, not a permanent norm in my dating life. SO to anyone who wants to say the description of her behavior is improbably and overblown: FUCK OFF. Until you deal with someone like her, you have no idea. And that holds true whether this story does or not.
Rock the boat, Trent! Nothing like the truth to shake em all up. I’m not a regular Stranger reader, but enjoyed this article and will read again. I am a bit concerned for the critics who look to the Stranger as their primary source for breaking news. They may be in for a shock when they get to the personals!
This article was not whiny. It was insightful, controversial, and honest. It’s refreshing that writer’s still take personal risks to reach readers. This was an effective, creative, and entertaining piece.
This article sucks so much ass. Who’s nuts he have to lick to get this wet rag printed? Man up and stop being a school girl. This guy has some issues.
So I guess his current girlfriend dumped him after reading this and now he’s switched his sexual orientation to men?
Excellent piece Thank you for a good story
OMG…so self indulgent. I’m embarrassed for you. Get back in the van!
Isn’t this the sort of thing your friends are supposed to stop you from publishing to the world? Does Trent have no real friends? Shame on all of Trent’s friends.
Here’s what I don’t get….what does this particular situation have to do with being a musician on tour? If you have a psycho, controlling, jealous girlfriend it doesn’t matter whether you’re a drummer or work at 7/11 for 2 hours a day. Bad shit is going to happen. You’re problem wasn’t that you were gone on tour, its that you knew from a very early stage that this chick was crazy and you continued to let it happen. Other than that, I can’t believe I actually posted a comment about an article as stupid as this one.
this whole thing makes my balls hurt and for that, I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a girl who has dated plenty of “blameless” men, including my favorite, Mr. “But SHE was making out with ME, what was I supposed to do?” (which sounds a lot like Trent’s Mich “I’m in boots and nothing else…” story), I find this article so extremely annoying bordering on offensive. I think that was a complete bullshit lie. Who cares if she was a single mom? I’m friends with a single mom who has slept with half of Seattle and some members of the Brian Jonestown Massacre. Your attempts to justify that text were ridiculous.
Also, I’m curious to know how old this ex is. You sound like one of those guys who dates women in their 20s because they’re hot and then complains about how immature they are. I know plenty of people in their 20s who suck at relationships because they haven’t figured out what they want, to settle down or to date around and have that exciting attention. It’s hard when you’re that young.
I think the overall lesson learned here is, ladies, don’t date anyone who writes for the Stranger, because they aren’t above publishing their pointless diary entries about what they thought of your relationship. Good to know.
This is total bullshit! He knows it and so does she. You’re a complete pussy and and idiot for publishing such crap!. Why would any paper publish such rubbish. If you put a story about a cow shitting in a field on the front page you would probably get the same response. It’s not new! It’s just shit! It’s the last time I read The Stranger. Get some real writers please. Perhaps not a delusional pshyco like Trent. Fuck! What a waste of breath! I hope you’re holding on to that cinder block. If you need help jumping, give me a call.
If you were actually honest and told the “really story about how you are a “Scumbag” that might be worth reading. Maybe.
I’m surprised she doesn’t have a restraining order on you… or does she?! Is this the only way you can get her attention. Or maybe you’re just too much of a pussy to send her an email. That big bad boyfriend my messy your average looking face. Come on dude! Seriously! If I was her, I would be laughing. Ladies… I would stay way from this guy with a ten foot pole or you might end up on the cover of a irresponsible (so called) paper and with his side of your dirty laundry hanging out to dry. Not to mention it’s poorly written.
Wow! The only thing I would love to see is her side of the story. Bet she’d have some good stories… What do you think Trent?… Would that be some good writing? Something tells me you wouldn’t be the victim.
Grow some balls man and get a life, if that is even possible.
PS. You run like a girl.
If this article were written with the gender roles switched, i.e. from the perspective of a female being controlled/manipulated by a man, these comments would be entirely different. The switchboards would be lit up with referrals to domestic violence groups, self-help groups, suggestions to get counseling, etc etc. But a dude writes it and he gets: gets some balls, grow a pair, please do commit suicide, what a pussy, etc etc. Really. Think about it. Why is a man a total loser for enduring this type of behavior, while the woman remains the permanent sympathetic “victim” in the same circumstance? bullshit. The old “men are always bad women are helpless” roles are dead. Or should be.
155, hmmm. I wonder who you are?
Seriously, the Mich story has just about every lame excuse in the book. But everyone was doing it! Its my job to go to afterpartys and reward the chicks who paid to see shows with my flirting, it would be rude not to! I just did something dumb, nothing wrong with that!
And the classic, you can’t handle the truth! I had to lie!
Remind me never to date anyone in a band.
#156, my girlfriends and I have been saying the same thing, but think the opposite would have been the case. If a woman had written this, the overwhelming response would’ve more likely been, “Tell it to Cosmo, honey.”
We think the only reason so many commenters on here wrote supporting this stupid article is that a man wrote it, and therefore he gets points for being vulnerable, although there is no vulnerability actually being shown here, just some guy trashing his ex.
Yikes Dude! You better “man-up” before you turn into a little puppy under the bed!
I like the fact that Trent doesn’t make himself out to be an innocent. He owns up to his part: being gone, flirting and the Mich message. But Trent isn’t the central figure in the story, the evil narcissist bitch is. Trent’s part was played by her previous boyfriend and will again be played by every other boyfriend she will ever have. Both men and women can have these personality traits, some are more evil than others, but they all want one thing: to suck out your desire to live. It’s what makes THEM feel alive.
Trent, stop creating supporting comments on your own pitiful story. Count how many you wrote and you’ll see how many people are against you. You dug yourself a deep hole here, now sit in the darkness.
Oh poor me!!!! I’m going to sit at my computer all night and get REVENGE on my ex for leaving me. I’m going to make sure everyone knows what a scumbag I wasn’t. I don’t care if its been over two years since she left me. I don’t care if I have to make up my own stories to gain sympathy, hahahaaaaa! She’ll see. I’ll show her what she gets for dumping a writer for the Stranger that plays drums in an AARP band! And then I’ll prance around town and everyone will pat me on the back and tell me what a good job I did for trashing her. Oh yes! This is perfect!!! But wait, no matter what I do, when this story is gone, I’ll still be an Oscar Meyer weiner. Booo hooo hoooooo
It appears to be junior-league week at The Stranger: Two major pieces in this edition are written by freelance so-called writers for the music section. In a bloated feature, TRENT MOORMAN splays the melodrama of his misbegotten love life onto the printed page for all Capitol Hill’s degenerates and sycophants to mock. To fully apprehend the tragicomedy of this piece is nigh impossible: Moorman’s relationship woes are so insignificant that reading about his psychic torment seems laughable. That he believes the rest of us would care about this manufactured pain is even more ridiculous.
After choking down that simulated angst, we turn to the theater section, where overblown crybabies are supposed to get their due.
Dude- this shit is so funny! If I were the ex girlfriend I’d initially be pissed too- partially because it sounds like she’s less than anonymous and partially because she’s embarrased for being so neurotic and insecure back then. That is the part that makes all of the comments so hilarious!
Girlfriend and Girlfriend’s Friends- represent for the all the hot Seattle WOMEN and shake that shit off. Otherwise, nothing’s changed. He’s still pushing your buttons… which you realize that this is the reason that this article resonates with so many people, right? Because instead of leaving bad relationships, people (especially women) miserably drag on dysfunctional shit to their own demise. His publication is a sign that he’s onto the next thing. The negative comments are funny, ladies, but sort of affirm the stereotype that he was trying to portray. Come on Girls! Keep it real and admit that we’ve all done our parts in bad relationships before.
Although one-sided, the editorial was good. We’ve all been there. From an outsider’s perspective, who cares if it’s true or not? When you’re in a fucked up relationship like that nobody’s really being honest with themselves or each other about who they are or what they want anyway. Um- isn’t that the point?
152- This article has EVERYTHING to do with being a musician on tour. Have you ever dated one? The girlfriend isn’t psycho, she’s human. This is a likely story, and if like me, musicians do it for you, it’s hard not to date them when you’re too young and inexperienced to know any better. Trent did a good job of illustrating his point when he wrote that most musicians are impossible to date. And to all the ladies writing in about how he’s such a sleaze for the single mom text- maybe it was just me, but I thought that was his attempt to equalize the situation and illustrate that it was a two-way crazy reltionship???
It was a story from his perspective for God’s ball’s sake. Jesus Christ- of course it wasn’t completely true. There are two sides to EVERY story. I think most readers who are not friends with either of these two got that.
May I ask why everybody so goddamn serious about this article? Everybody in this story sounds REALLY HOT and talented. I don’t know either one of them, but I want to see his show and buy her clothes. Sounds like they’re more productive without each other and will produce better shit for Seattle.
23- You’re a HATER and don’t sound hot. Seattle is full of plenty of hot men, but with your whiny attidude, you probably will never find one.
I truly enjoyed this article, because I’ve been in a long-distance relationship and it IS really hard. He hit it on the nose–when you don’t answer your phone and don’t return the call that night, it kills you because you just. don’t. know.
I’m glad he’s in a healthier relationship, because this girl obviously used her beauty to her advantage–I didn’t know women were like this, honestly. I mean I know women (including me) can be very jealous and insecure, but seriously, dating other people on the internet and calling ex’s? That’s just mean and untrustworthy–I thought it was GUYS who are untrustworthy.
A few things, though… I can understand wanting to be with someone who’s more financially stable, and I can understand why she broke your phone after reading “Mich”‘s text message. That was pretty much the worst text you can read. And “everybody was exchanging phone numbers after the show in Vegas”?? Come on, get over yourself.
What is this? I thought bands got attention from creating great music. Well I guess if your band sucks that much you can become famous for being a sourpuss. Congratulations. Glad you didn’t jump drummer boy.
How about the mindfuck of completely sucking at Bumbershoot? Somebody take those damn drumsticks!
Why was this published? Jesus, Dan, you should be fucking embarrassed!
I love that this was published. It hits home in many many ways for me and every one of my friends that plays music for a living. 170 comments. It got response and hits a nerve, like it or not.
Head Like a Kite was my favorite band at Bumbershoot this year. I see them every time they play and enjoy myself every time. 168, sorry you didn’t like it. You should have gone to Modest Mouse.
Trent! I’m a huge Fresh Espresso fan because of you! Another show I will always see. That’s a good look for you. Keep on with all that.