It was about 20 minutes after midnight, and I had been weaving through the streets of Redmond, Washington, for at least an hour—driving, turning, looking for the freeway. I really should’ve been home by now, but after seeing a few friends’ bands play at the Old Fire House on a Friday night, I got lost. Confusing streets, unfamiliar town. I ended up somewhere that may or may not have been Canada. It’s hard to say. I took a lot of wrong turns.
After stopping off at a Safeway for directions and a Diet Coke, I got back in the car and kept driving, listening to the same song over and over again on my car’s stereo, and then I mindlessly reached over to the passenger seat and scooped a glob of coconut-flecked frosting off the side of a Pepperidge Farm Coconut 3-Layer Cake with two fingers. I don’t even know why I bought that goddamn cake. I suppose I needed something to go with my Diet Coke.
The frosting was still frozen—nearly inedible. The box said to thaw the cake in the fridge at least three hours before serving, but I didn’t feel like waiting. I also didn’t have a fridge in my car. So I set the cake on the floor of my Nissan Altima, blasted the heat, and waited impatiently for about 10 minutes. That would have to do.
The frosting on the outside had started to get warm and soft, sparkling with little pearls of condensation as it thawed, but the dense vanilla cake on the inside was still icy cold. I kept eating it anyway,
fingerful after fingerful, as I finally started to find my way back home.
By the time I arrived back in Seattle, my car’s steering wheel had a sticky film on it, and there was barely a quarter of the cake left. I took the rest of the cake inside and tossed it on the kitchen counter and crawled into bed.
The next morning, aside from feeling physically ill, I also mentally felt like utter shit. I honestly had no idea where all the cake had gone—I knew it was in my stomach, pumping sugar and saturated fat through my veins, but I didn’t realize, until facing it the next day, just how much of the pale white mound I had managed to destroy during one single, lonely car ride from the Eastside.
Consider this: There are eight servings in one of the Pepperidge Farm cakes that I ate and
25 grams of sugar in each serving. That’s about two tablespoons of sugar. I ate nearly six of the eight servings, so that means I ate about 12 tablespoons of sugar in maybe a half hour. Go to your kitchen and measure out 12 tablespoons of sugar—it’s nearly a cup’s worth.
I’m as disgusted as you are.
That wasn’t the first time something like this has happened. All my life I’ve loved sweets—it’s in my blood. My Great-Grandma Edeen was known in her neighborhood as the Cookie Lady. My Great-Grandma Kallicott was a master at baking pies and cookies, and she always had at least one or the other in her kitchen when I’d visit as a child (no one in the world can make fig-roll cookies like she did).
Over the past couple years, my once-innocent sweet tooth has gotten stronger, more difficult to control. I think it started when the QFC by my apartment in Ballard shut down for remodeling. The closest “grocery store” was a 7-Eleven, which was just one block away. That winter, out of laziness, sometimes three or four nights a week, I would make a dinner out of pints of Ben & Jerry’s or Hostess products. And you know what’s really delicious? Nestle Toll House ice-cream cookie sandwiches. I’d often grab a banana, too—you know, to balance it out (and FYI, a banana’s got about
12 grams of sugar in it, albeit “natural” sugar).
Then, writing about sugar somehow became part of my job description. It started with a couple Slog posts about new candy bars. Then, for an article, I taste-tested every cupcake in the city to declare the best. Later, I wrote a piece arguing for Fran’s Chocolates’ salted caramels to be the official state candy (after much field research, of course). And then, for a piece about the sugar craze in Seattle—the Yellow Leaf Cupcake Co., Molly Moon’s Homemade Ice Cream, Full Tilt Ice Cream, Pretty Kitty Organic Ice Cream, Bluebird Homemade Ice Cream & Tea Room, Fainting Goat Gelato, Peaks Frozen Custard, Old School Frozen Custard, Cupcake Royale, Trophy Cupcakes, Curio Confections, Theo Chocolate, Chocolopolis—I went to the Seattle Chocolate Salon to sample the work of dozens of different chocolatiers, including Oh! Chocolate, Intrigue, and Crave.
Every time a new ice-cream, cupcake, or candy shop opened, I’d either have to go visit it (you know, “for work”) or they’d send me a batch of their product (you know, “just in case I wanted to post anything about it on Slog”). I couldn’t escape it if I tried—not that I was complaining. Because I didn’t know there was a problem. I didn’t realize at the time that I had gained 20 pounds and become a moody mess because I was fine, so long as I created artificial happiness by starting the day with a nonfat latte (three sugars) and a piece of pumpkin bread from Cupcake Royale (they have the best pumpkin bread in the city).
When traveling to places like New York, Chicago, Philadelphia, and Nashville, I would pick up sweet treats for friends back home (Tennessee is the home of the Goo Goo Cluster, you know), but instead of saving them for their intended recipients, I would often end up, uncontrollably, eating them before the plane even landed. I’d be riddled with guilt afterward, but it didn’t at all seem like a bad idea as I broke open the package. I never told Alissa I bought her that mint truffle from Fannie May anyway.
So why not just stop buying the candy? And cupcakes and ice cream and Hostess products? Well, aside from the fact that I almost can’t stop myself from doing it, I’d end up making due with whatever’s in the cupboards.
I’ve eaten plain brown sugar out of the bag—first picking out the hardened lumps, and then making my own by pressing the sticky, sandy mounds of goodness against a spoon. I’ve squirted tablespoons’ worth of maple syrup straight into my mouth, eaten spoonful after spoonful of strawberry jelly out of the jar, licked my pointer finger and pressed it into powdered hot chocolate mix over and over again, bought bags of holiday candy promising myself I’d take it into the office the next day to share with coworkers only to end the night in an embarrassingly large pile of wrappers… It’s pathetic. Really, really pathetic. Especially for me, a young woman who has spent the majority of life purposefully avoiding any chance of addiction.
I’ve called myself straight-edge (no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes) since I was 15 years old. I’ve never even had a sip of wine. I never liked the idea of being “out of control,” and I never wanted to have an excuse for my actions, and even though I know you can drink a few drinks without losing control, I’m just not interested. Until one day in 2007, I would’ve told you I’m completely vice-free. It was then, in an attempt to feel better about myself and lose a little weight (every human being’s response to being dumped), I told myself: No more sugar. What was supposed to be an easy change in diet turned into years’ worth of detoxes, late-night binges, self-help books, mood swings, the first and only fight I’ve ever had with my current boyfriend, and the
ultimate admittance that I, Megan Seling, am an addict. I’m addicted to candy.
The woman behind the counter of Interbay’s Super Supplements helped me find the last thing on my checklist, a big bottle of cold-pressed omega-3 flaxseed oil (it was in the refrigerated section—who knew?). I returned to the cash register with bottle in hand and got rung up for about $100 worth of crap like corn-husk powder, liver-cleansing herbs, probiotics, vegan protein powder, and bentonite clay (exactly what it sounds like).
A few months earlier, a friend had followed this detox program, from The Detox Box by Mark Hyman, and said she felt amazing afterward. All you have to do is drink fruit smoothies, homemade vegetable broth, warm lemon water, and yes, clay, for 7 to 14 days, and it supposedly rebalances your system and, the box says, kicks sugar cravings to the curb.
Fantastic! The weekend prior I got bored and had a run-in with a dozen Cupcake Royale Babycakes and half a batch of raw cookie dough—yet another reminder to kick the sugar habit. So I went home, after stopping at Ballard Market for another $100 worth of fresh organic vegetables, bags of frozen organic fruit, and brown rice, and prepared for day one of the detox.
For the record, the most disgusting thing I have ever put in my mouth is corn-husk powder. When you put two heaping tablespoons of it in about six ounces of water, it gets almost gel-like and chunky in consistency. Of course, that’s the point—the high-fiber drink is supposed to help, you know, clear out your system. It tastes like dried-up grass and smells even worse.
I was dead set on sticking to this program, on conquering this sugar problem, disgusting fiber drink be damned. So I reluctantly took a second sip.
Gag. Cough. Heave.
And then another.
And then, when I tried to just chug it, I immediately puked it back up into my kitchen sink.
The trick, as I learned after drinking it twice a day for seven days, is to mix it with warm water and the juice of half a large lemon. The sour lemon nearly overpowers the taste. By the end of the week, I was gulping that corn-husk powder down like a champ.
I had two smoothies every day, made with the fiber of ground-up flaxseeds and plenty of frozen, organic berries; I ate steamed vegetables with a serving of brown rice for lunch and a serving of high-protein beans for dinner; I drank homemade veggie broth as a “snack” midafternoon; I even did the whole “hydration therapy” thing every morning in the shower, switching the water from hot to cold to hot to cold to hot again.
I didn’t do the yoga. I don’t have the patience for yoga.
But this detox wasn’t so bad. It was actually kind of neat. I never wanted to see another cabbage again, but I felt good, like my friend said I would. I had energy, I felt stronger, I stood taller, I was proud that I hadn’t touched so much as a doughnut hole, and I lost over five pounds (which I know isn’t the most healthy thing to do in a week, but it was mostly water weight). And then the next day, day eight, as a reward to myself for lasting a week and with very little hesitation or thought at all, I ate half a lemon meringue pie from the Ballard Market.
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
In 2008, a woman named Nicole Avena published data claiming that rats can become sugar dependent. “Sugar is noteworthy as a substance that releases opioids and dopamine and thus might be expected to have addictive potential,” she wrote. After analyzing four components of addiction—”bingeing,” “withdrawal,” “craving,” and “cross-sensitization”—she compared the animals’ behavior to the changes in the brain that occur with other addictive drugs. “The evidence supports the hypothesis that under certain circumstances, rats can become sugar dependent,” she said. And concluded: “This may translate to some human conditions.”
Avena isn’t the first person to compare the physical reaction to sugar to that of stronger, more infamously addictive drugs. For decades, a growing number of doctors and scientists have believed that the physical response to sugar can, in some people, be similar to the physical response to ingesting alcohol or opiates.
In the book Potatoes Not Prozac, Kathleen DesMaisons, PhD, writes, “Like alcohol, sugar causes a release of beta-endorphin. It can make you feel high. It can reduce both physical and emotional pain.”
She cites a number of tests that have been done on the matter and insists that there are only seven steps required to fix the problem—to “balance a sugar sensitivity, heal depression, and come alive!”
I bought this book, and all of its promises, one night in February or March of 2009, after one of the coldest, snowiest seasons the city has seen. It sounded crazy, but after a severe lack of sunlight and a holiday season filled with pounds of baked goods, I was completely open to crazy ideas.
At home, I drew a bath and I read about the chemistry of sugar and what DesMaisons calls “sugar sensitive” people. I read stories about women just like me, women named Carrie and Diane and I think Emily, who were moody and miserable and unable to control their sugar-addled diet. And then I skipped ahead to the part where DesMaisons claims it can all be cured by eating a potato, every night, right before bed.
It can be any kind of potato, prepared anyway you want, so long as the skin is left on and you don’t pair it with any food that contains protein. What the potato does, she explains in the book, is it raises your serotonin levels just like an antidepressant would. I remember antidepressants. I took those once. But I stopped (like I stupidly do) right around the same time I—holy shit, right about the same time I started eating so much sugar.
According to DesMaisons’s examples, a lot of “sugar sensitive” people also become (or start out as) depressed people. And treating that depression, naturally and with a potato, could theoretically stop you from eating three-quarters
of a three-layer coconut cake in 30 minutes. Or baking 80 different kinds of cookies in two months, which I’ve also done. Or whatever.
So that night I microwaved a plain Russet potato. I wanted to put cheese or sour cream on it, but the book said no protein, so I put a little salsa on it (which was store-bought and did contain added sugar, yes). I mushed it up on a plate, I ate it, I watched some TV, and then I went to bed.
I felt no different the next morning.
That night, I tried a different kind of a potato. DesMaisons said to experiment, so I tried a couple small white potatoes. Because they’re not as dry as Russets, they’re easier to eat without any toppings, so I ate them plain.
And I felt no different the next morning.
It only took four days before I abandoned the book. I didn’t just abandon it—I decided that book is stupid. A potato isn’t an anti-depressant or a cure to sugar cravings. It’s a potato. And even if the chemistry of it, technically, does work like an antidepressant and/or may fix my sugar addiction (you know, had I stuck to it more than four days), it was much more demanding than antidepressants, which just involved popping a pill every morning.
I don’t have the lifestyle for cooking myself a potato every night before bed. I’m a rock writer. I stay out late and go to shows. I have a wonderful boyfriend who often stays over, but as understanding as he is, I didn’t want it to come down to “Sweetie, I really love you and I’d like to continue this make-out session, but if you could just hold on a minute while I roast up these fingerlings in a little rosemary and olive oil, that’d be really great.”
Still, that stupid book did teach me something. It made me realize how the depression and the sugar are quite possibly linked. And what’s a good, natural treatment for depression? Exercise. So within a week, I joined a gym, got set up with a professional trainer, and decided to quit sugar cold turkey. By day 10, I had my first and only fight with my boyfriend of nearly two years. I didn’t like his tone of voice when he answered the phone, so I decided he was a cold-hearted, thoughtless jerk.
I was better off eating a potato.
After all the books, the detoxes, the Weight Watchers meetings, and the failed attempts to quit cold turkey, I absolutely believe there is a chemical component to my sugar cravings. I’m sure there are hundreds of other things that I could do to help control it, but right now, as I write this, it’s almost Christmas. And the makers of Junior Mints have introduced limited-edition
Junior Mints Minis—little green and red
candy-coated gems that are about a third the size of regular Junior Mints and delicious. I can’t stop eating them, they’re so cute! And they’re only around for another couple of weeks! I can’t not eat the eggnog cupcakes at Cupcake Royale either. Or those classic chocolate-chip cookies at my friend’s cookie party last week. And when I go to New Orleans in a few days, I’m going to have to have a beignet—I’ve never had a beignet before!
I know it’s terrible—Stranger readers have, with nearly every article or blog post I’ve ever written about sugar, told me it’s terrible. Society has made it clear that sugar causes obesity, causes diabetes, is the root of all evil and a number of other problems—but if that’s so true, why is it fucking everywhere? You can’t legally drink until you’re 21. You can’t legally do drugs ever. But sugar—well, sugar you can get almost anywhere for literally five cents.
So for the rest of the holidays, I’m going to keep eating it. Eight weeks ago, I started the “Couch to 5K” program, which is a nine-week program that trains you to run a 5K, even if you aren’t a runner at all. Now I’m running 30 minutes a day three days a week, so I allow myself to have a treat on the days I go to the gym. You know, only if I want. And so far that’s working out for me. In fact, on some gym days, I don’t have candy.
I also haven’t had the urge to binge on sugar—to mindlessly eat nearly an entire cake or a cupful of maple syrup—since I started the running program.
In fact, the only time I end up eating too much is when I try to stop. So, you know, maybe the best medicine, for me anyway, is to never actually stop.
Or maybe those are just the words of a true addict. 
In my favorite F. Scott Fitzgerald story, “Babylon Revisited,” the protagonist forces himself to take a drink every day to remind himself of what his alcoholism cost him…
Have you tried B-complex vitamins, Megan? (50 mg daily) And are you getting enough calcium (400 mg+) and magnesium (200mg+) in your diet?
i’m totally a sugar addict…life long. i’ve quit twice. i’m on about 3 years with no treats at all and going strong. whenever anyone offers i politely decline regardless of the occasion. see, i know that if i have even one bite it will lead to a slow steady decline. one day i’ll wake up in an alley somewhere with empty ben and jerry’s cartons all around me feeling like i just slept with the football team. one of the biggest things i’ve noticed about eliminating sugar is how rarely i get sick. i used get 2-3 colds a year and almost get many more. in the last 3 years sans sugar i’ve gotten 1 cold only and have come close only a few times. my mood is way more stable also.
“I’ve never smoked cigarettes, I’ve never smoked pot, I’ve never had a drink.”
Ok, we get it, Miss Holier-Than-Thou. Jesus.
I have heard of sugar high but this? This is hilarious!
Well, if you have an ‘addictive personality’ or are prone to compulsions…perhaps you are better off with sugar than some of the other options (drugs, odd behavior, etc., etc.)….
wonderful article megan, good luck!
I quit sugar cold turkey at the end of September after knowing and reading for years about how bad it is for me. It was a huge struggle. My energy dropped by about 2/3, and sometimes would just drop off a cliff and I would end up taking a two hour nap. Couldn’t get much exercise because of school. I did pretty well, though. I’d say I reduced my intake by 85-95%. Decided to take a break after Thanksgiving, just for the holidays. Nearly a month later, the wisdom of my decision to quit has been confirmed. It’s Xmas Eve Eve, and I’m done, going back on the wagon a couple of days early. No more sweets, including baked goods. Doesn’t mean I’ll never have it again, but I feel so much more steady when I’m not under sugar’s thumb, it’s not worth the certainty of overindulgence. I’ve tried to quit before, without much success. It was just time for me this time. I’m done.
Oh megan, you have no idea how deeply I identify with this article right now.
I just found out that I have gestational diabetes, so no refined carbohydrates for me until after the baby is born. The next 10 weeks of my life are stretching out like a painful eternity. I learned this right after my husband made a huge batch of delicious Christmas cookies, which I then shrilly ordered him to remove from the house STAT.
And then last night a generous coworker gave me a huge plate of frosted goodness she’d made herself. She’s a champion baker. As I thanked her for her thoughtfulness I actually salivated like a dog, and then shoved the cheerfully decorated package straight into my husband’s car so his ungrateful coworkers can benefit from my body’s betrayal.
No sugar, no English muffins for breakfast, no booze, just a little coffee…it’s amazing I haven’t become homicidal. I can’t imagine why each day finds me taking a three hour nap on the living room couch.
I LOVE sugar too! For me stopping the nights of eating an entire pound of cinnamon bears and playing video games came down to a competition. As much as I love candy, I love winning more. I got into a ‘biggest loser’ contest at work last year and I have to say that it really changed my connection to food.
Even for Slog some of these comments are harsh. Personally I manage by having one or two small bits of chocolate at day-like mini peanut butter cup size. And that’s it. I look at lovey baked goods and chocolate treats and say to myself-“there will be coffee cakes/candy bars/ice cream tomorrow. If I still want it I will get it then.”
Exercise really helps mild depression, so as your sugar cravings are tied to neurochemistry keeping up with the running will be a great thing.
You may want to reconsider the anti-depressant meds again. You may also want to reconsider the potato at bed time. There are plenty of ways to have them ready to go with a minute in the microwave. And it takes most medications weeks-6 to 8 is unusual- to actually start working. So 4 days won’t tell you much, except that you need to plan ahead if you want it to work.
Good Luck!
Man, there are a lot of jerks posting here. I thought this article was funny and honest, and I can really identify with your struggle. Not sure where the hostility comes from with the other posters, other than the anonymity of the internet bringing out their lesser selves.
@5–she’s not saying it to make herself “holier than thou”, it’s just to put it into perspective, that you can be free of some temptations and get sucked in by another.
This article is wonderful and true, Megan. One of the best things that’s been in the Stranger for a long time. Stupid people can’t be helped; ignore them.
I’ve eaten brown sugar out of the box too, and worse; I eat paper, and I used to eat sugar packets, WHITE sugar packets, packet and all.
This was a great article. You have a lovely voice and it’s always a pleasure to read your pieces.
Megan Is Funny. All of you with your “american woman…”, “stupid bitch…”, blah , blah, blah, I Hope santa claus shoves a lump of coal right up your ass. Good luck Megan!!
Megan congrats for coming out of the closet (pantry?). I too am a lover of all things sugar. I’d have a Coke before coke any day; a beignet (I’ve had 1B+) over a beer, etc.
I have one of those sugar pouring things like you see in a coffee shops on my counter because there is no way I have the patience and energy to be spooning it all the time.
Life is way too long not to dust it with sprinkles.
You are a superb writer and from the cookie marathon to the sugar situation, it’s been a pleasure hearing your story.
okay, regarding comments 7 and 13: do people really have this much hate in them over an article about eating too many cupcakes?! What I see there is a little thing I like to call “projecting”…
Jesus Christ.
Megan, I totally sympathize with you. I can never accept cookies or cakes from anyone because I will eat ALL OF IT. I don’t understand those freaks who can control themselves when entire pies are sitting on the kitchen counter.
Lastly, I would like to apologize to my roommates for eating the majority of the delicious sweets they bake and purchase.
i think the opposition to this article (see hostile comments) are directed at the outrageousness of this case in perspective with problems in the world of much greater weight. Even though this article does hold greater value than just “some white woman with a sugar problem”. It’s the message people.
Oh boy. I’m in therapy for an eating disorder and all this sounds familiar- people get really f***ed up sometimes when restricting food type or intake. It’s the restriction that is probably making you eat way more usual at times, not a sugar addiction. Sounds like running and eating what you want make you happy. I say eat cupcakes for breakfast lunch and dinner if thats what you want, and don’t feel bad about it. There are so many bigger battles to fight daily- food shouldn’t be the biggest. And you’ll possibly eventually want something else- maybe even a potato.
“Society has made it clear that sugar causes obesity, causes diabetes, is the root of all evil and a number of other problems—but if that’s so true, why is it fucking everywhere? You can’t legally drink until you’re 21. You can’t legally do drugs ever. But sugar—well, sugar you can get almost anywhere for literally five cents.”
An interesting question. Here’s one answer:
http://www.fundinguniverse.com/company-h…
whoops, one more time:
http://www.fundinguniverse.com/company-h…
Bravo, Megan! An interesting look into the world of sugar addiction. Don’t let the haters get you down.
A side note, however, those detox plans are all ripoffs. There’s no such this as a buildup of toxins in your body, and all the corn husks and clay in the world aren’t going to do a damn thing except make you shit seaweed looking things (that were not in your body in the first place, that is the clay forming in your gut and coming out).
Just try to adopt a balanced diet, and you’ll feel “amazing” and more energetic just from dropping a bit of weight and getting better nutrition.
Everyone should stay as far away as possible from Super Supplements.
Again with the awesome article, Stranger! Double bravo, Megan.
Yup, it’s a drug. Yup, I too have wrestled with it off and on for most of my life (and am about to get back on the bucking bronco diet ride real soon). While you’re frowning at the fringe health food stuff like bentonite clay (which usually comes from Pahrump, NV, near the Test Site) might want to read “The Yeast Connection” it’s very enlightening.
And to the trolls: maybe if you GUYS did a few more lines of meth and coke and then called yer drinkin’ buds over to give ya a PBR enema ya might feel better.
Megan writes an honest, hilarious, original themed essay and she gets *personally* eaten alive in the comments. Typical of how female talent is rewarded. Misogyny is alive & well, thanks Comment Trolls for giving me a nice warm fuzzy feeling for the holidays. Cheers!
Megan. I appreciate that you brought up the subject, which is a very serious problem, having significant mental and physical health issues for so many people. But in the end, you dropped the ball.
You realize you have an addiction problem. Good. You try a few things in a half-assed way- and then you are surprised that nothing has changed. You are still a very active addict. Is this the same approach you would advocate if you were addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth?
For those readers out there who may want some prespective, Kathleen DesMaisons advises a comprehensive approach beyond just “eat a potato before bed”. And for anyone that wants more educated information on the subject, I suggest reading :
Anatomy of a Food Addiction – by Ann Katherine
Food Addiction: The Body Knows – by Kay Sheppard
And then via Amazon or your favorite book source, look up related books on the topic. There is a significant amount of intelligent reading on the subject if you want to understand and find a solution.
And, if you are so inclined, you should know that Overeaters Anonymous, modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous may provide the help you need to recover.
Thanks for listening.
@24: Thank you for your insightful comment. I, too, went through therapy for an eating disorder and sadly seem to have forgotten a lot of the wisdom gained then. Your comment beautifully summarizes some lessons it took me years to internalize.
Hey 2ndworld: ‘a pathetic existence’ is hating on people who you don’t know because they see the world differently than you. Something tells me you treat a lot of people like crap; good luck with that.
Hey, Megan: Fabulous article. I read it in one compulsive gulp.
I, too, have struggled with compulsive eating. I’ve done Overeaters Anonymous, which worked for a while, as well as other attempts to control my behavior. The addiction model isn’t necessarily the best/only frame through which to view our behavior, thus the answer may not lie in total abstinence — maybe your current solution to eat sugar in a moderate fashion will work!
Keep up the struggle!
Dear Megan… It’s your adiction to bad art and worse music, that you should be worried about.
sitting and surfing the web while making my way through an entire loaf of cardamom bread by myself, i feel your pain.
Way to go, Megan.
For the record, though I’m sure you already know this, caffeine is a drug.
i think you’re very brave for writing this. disordered eating comes in many forms….thank you.
Oh YAWN..just ignore that trolling bullshit.
Food and body-image problems are easy to trivialize and hard to talk about. Which brings about a great deal of shame. Deciding you’re not afraid to be honest about such problems is a good thing, to say the least.
Self-loathing and addiction are universal problems that take all sorts of forms in all kinds of people. Some groups/subcultures/sub-groups have a higher number of different problems for highly complicated reasons. Despite what arrogant asses have to say about eating disorders and such, rich people, white girls, and citizens of the United States SO do not have the monopoly on self-hatred or compulsive behavior.
Without articles like “Sugar Rush” a lot of people would find no end to self-medicating by shoveling 3am Safeway cake or whatever other easily mocked, not-yet-media-glamorized form of self-abuse they struggle with. I don’t relate to pop-psychology, I exist in some weirdbeard subculture and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate reading something I can relate to when it comes to this shit. Sure, a single article might not save a life, but can you imagine total silence?
In short: Fuck yeah, Megan. And thanks.
I think the troll comments and subsequent responses to them are very revealing. Alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs are demonized in our society (mostly)…but admitting to a “sugar addiction” is, well, kinda cute. We say things like “bravo, Megan!” and “funny stuff, Megan!” because her sugar addiction (wink, wink) isn’t *really* an addiction. And hey, we ALL eat sugar, right??! So… you GO GRRRRL!!!
Not justifying the rancid comments of the anon trolls, but let’s be honest: her attitude does come off as a bit smarmy and self-righteous ’cause she-just-ain’t-as-bad-as-all-them-crazy-drunks-and-druggies.
Keep on rationalizing, people. It’s a spectator sport.
If you love sugar and treats and much as you claim to, and if you have the tenacity and determination to run even one single mile per week, and if you have the analytical abilities and intelligence to write such captivating articles, and if you possess the networking skills I would imagine anyone in your line of work would have, then you inherently possess the traits needed to run a successful dessert business. Maybe you’ll consider this option one day.
I have to say, when first reading the subject of this article, I was skeptical – which is saying it politely. I’ve been struggling with alcohol and drug addiction for years and how the hell can someone be addicted to sugar? If that was my problem in life, I’d be a happy girl, right? As I read, I realized addiction, is addiction, is addiction. The x factor could be anything, it’s the behavior and the ritual that is the same with all addicts everywhere – regardless what your drug of choice is. Good luck Megan, I know how it feels, it’s a tough and shitty battle…
I’ve been thinking about writing something about comparing sugar to drugs for a while but looks like you beat me to it. Eating (sugar in particular) can turn into a compulsion because it makes you feel better even if you don’t realize it, which is why you can keep eating without realizing it. Personally I feel like it’s more problematic because it’s like a socially acceptable drug. The majority of people can handle sitting around a room full of baked goods and not even raise an eye brow, but to some people putting us around sweets is like putting a coke addict in the set of scarface. Food is everywhere, food is legal, food is a part of life, but like anything too much is bad, but there aren’t a lot of solutions save have to mentally and physically struggle with not over eating or binge eating every day. It sucks, a lot. And to not meet the diabetic end like the rest of my family I’m getting a weight loss surgery. An extreme but better than yo-yo dieting and eventually being 40 and almost dead. So yeah, I hope you do well with whatever solutions you undertake, and yes, those mini junior mint things are fucking delicious.
Great article, Megan, and good luck. It certainly sounds like you have an addiction to sugar. Instead of quitting entirely, have you tried transferring your sugar intake to only “good” sugars? I grew up a sweet tooth and was addicted to sugar, too (and guess I still am: If I eat any kind of bakery or candy I crave it intensely for days after). I was worried about diabetes and getting fat so I vowed to only get my sugar fix on very expensive dark chocolate (I preferred milk and candy bars). I found that because the dark chocolate was SO intense (and expensive) that I hoarded it, and eventually only ate one small square a day and was sated by that. Less than a year later I lost my taste for candy, processed food, sweets and any other “cheap” sugar products. Even a soda turns my stomach now, and dark chocolate is way too intense. I still occasionally eat a Top Pot donut, or stave off my sugar craving for overpriced restaurant desserts (that 90 percent of the time I turn down by the time it comes to order them I’m no longer in the mood).
Good luck and keep trying! I think life is richer with a vice or two but, as you know, yours could bite you in the ass later.
Great article Megan – I’m sure you will find your way. Just a few observations: I cannot say that I have a problem with sugar or weight but I do have dysthymic depression and went on the famous Zone diet a few years ago – a diet I no longer beleive in but it did push me in a certain direction.
My conclusions are:
it is possible to go cold turkey on refined sugar and carbs but it takes 4 to 6 weeks for the cravings to start to die out – you just have to stick it out;
eventually cravings for sugar will be replaced by cravings for steamed eggplant, for example, I know that may seem hard to believe but true;
the Zone turns out to be all hogwash theoretically but it did get me to a place where my diet comprised mostly fruits and vegetables, protein, water, nuts, lentils, yoghurt, unprocessed stuff that comes out of the ground – I am grateful to it for that.
eating the high levels of refined sugar you describe is not necessarily a ‘better’ addiction than others you have mentioned, it’s only different, and the health risks of diabetes are serious and difficult to treat;
the notion of ‘rewarding’ yourself for a half hour of exercise by bingeing on a cupcake is a trap;
part of the addiction to fat and sugar is mental – we fantasize about these products and then crave them because of the dopamine response they provoke – it is no accident that they are truly everywhere in the American diet – we are programmed to crave them. If it comes in a package or a bottle you can bet that sugar was added to it. And tHere will always be something new – if not mini mints then something else – that is the essence of American consumerism, the drive to be current.
broredom factors into depression and addiction as well =
‘detox’ programs are diuretics, the loss of water and blood volume may contribute to your feeling bad; there is some evidence that ‘fiber’ interferes with the transport of nutrients in the gut – it hussles the food bolus through too fast that you end up malnourished, there is no reason to add fiber to your diet if you are eating enough fruits and vegetables –
increase the level of exercise, spread it out throughout the day more, the late hours may be interfering with the amount of deep sleep you get, re-consider the anti-depressants, eat a balanced healthy diet and avoid the fads, eliminate in-between snacks and late night bingeing
Sorry if I sound like a scold – I’m 58 and I have slowly over the years found out what works for me and how my body operates – what it runs on – if you can just get to a plateau of a healthier eating/sleeping/exercising routine you will find you feel better, have more energy, can concentrate and sleep better – these may seem sort of lackluster when held up to an egg nog cupcake, but they are things that will reinforce themselves in your psyche over time
If you’re looking for possible solutions: they all involve counseling of some kind, and at least based on the info provided, probably professional.
A fairly common root cause is not feeling in control of major parts of your life. Often that also manifests as all-or-none pronouncements like you made with alcohol, because they replace actual control (should I have a second drink?) with a feeling of control (go me, I can resist everything).
Another common root cause is not being able take pleasure from other parts of life (or not having enough pleasure there at all). Your enjoyment of life becomes overweighted by one source (food) rather than distributed across many sources. Thinking about it all the time leads to overcompensating.
But all that is armchair crap, and is probably totally wrong. Find a professional and have a friendly conversation with them.
I’d forgotten until now how hard I cried when I read The Long Winter. Megan, between these two articles, I have so much respect for your writing. It’s personal, and honest, and I would never be brave enough to write something like this. Thank you, and keep up the good work.
This was an honest article. Where is all of this disrespect coming from? After a person admits to an eating disorder, you kick them when they are down by pointing out that they are fat? I don’t get it.
I struggle with sugar addiction as well, though I am about the least addictive person ever in other areas of life. I do the ol’ coffeeshop sugarfest in the morning and secret sugar throughout the day. Thanks for sharing your experiences, and for publicizing the issue of sugar addiction: I think there are many in our country who could benefit from this understanding.
@49: this is hardly an “eating disorder.” Comparing it to alcoholism or drug addiction is simply over the top and self absorbed.
I agree that the personal hate slung at Megan is ridiculous and those people have a special place in Hell waiting for them. But let’s keep things realistic here: this is less about “addiction” and more about attention. Only a privileged American would bemoan an “addiction” to sugar.
Of all the evils in this world, I have little sympathy for this. Thousands die each year from alcoholism, drug overdoses, and anorexia. THESE are real addictions with real consequences. For Megan to align herself with these horrors makes her appear naive and egotistical.
Hello Megan,
Moderation and slow, sensuous enjoyment of REAL sweets (as someone pointed out above) will help you. Go buy a local Comice, Bartlett, or Concorde pear from a good grocer. Let it ripen fully. Then eat it sitting down, eat it slowly with a knife, napkin, and a plate. It should taste wonderful. Fruits and berries are the sweet foods nature intended us to eat.
If that pear doesn’t taste sweet, your tastebuds are in need of retraining. They now likely require an unnaturally intense dose of sugar to register sweetness, much like an amphetamine addict requires more and more substance to maintain a high.
Try therapy, talk to friends, and give yourself time to retrain your metabolism and taste. Don’t be self-indulgent or try to justify your bad decisions, but don’t beat yourself up over a cupcake, either. You will feel brand new.
Good luck.
Megan thank you for this article. I really do sympathize with you, and I’m in shape and a runner as well. I haven’t eaten an entire cake, and I don’t drink coffee, but I have: eaten most of the cookie dough from those tubs from Papa Murphy’s; found myself cleaning countless small fun-size wrappers of Milky Ways in my apartment; having to do numerous trips to the recycling because I have so many Diet Coke cans I can’t even contain everything in two bags; felt sick to my stomach countless times, etc.
So thanks, and good luck. The only thing I can offer is that running DOES HELP… I only feel normal when I’m running 4-5 times a week. And I think you’ll get to a point where you don’t eat candy on the days that you run.. if you eat before, you feel immediately sorry when the run starts (ouch, CRAMP) and eating candy afterward seems so counterproductive — like, if you eat even a little bit, you might have well not run so hard and not gotten the candy, do you know what I mean? Once you know how hard it is to burn 350 calories on a treadmill, you don’t want to waste it with some candy or one cupcake. Boom, it’s gone. Shit.
The only way I keep it in check is letting myself have certain things.. like swedish fish in bulk foods (I don’t know how many calories are in it, helpful for my peace of mind) or jelly bellies, usually on days I DON’T run; a day with movies from Blockbuster, for example. Then run the next day. I try to stay away from high-fat items like cakes, cookies (I can’t even buy a package of cookies; don’t know when to stop!!) and doughnuts. Fat-free candy it is, and once in a GREAT while some ice cream or a McFlurry or something. Hope some of that helped. Again, thanks, interesting read!! I could perfectly visualize you driving home with your fingers in the frosting… 🙂
Perhaps without intending it, this article makes a compelling case for “harm reduction”, and pragmatic strategies for managing addiction. Drugs, alcohol, sugar, it’s all the same principles. People use substances for reasons (depression is a common one), change is slow, but you can make positive changes while still using. And one of the best things you can do to reduce harm, what megan did through writing this, is to learn what the substance is doing to your body, to learn why you like it, when you use and why. “Just say know”, as they say.
good article. I wonder if it’s Megan non-drinking,non=smoking, non-drug lifestyle that so incites these trolls’ anger and defensiveness.
Megan does describe an addiction. Whether it’s alcohol or sugar, if you have a pattern of not being able to control your behavior and regretting what you do because it’s self damaging, it’s an addiction. Those who consider her pain trivial have, I think, more serious issues regarding connecting with other human beings.
I definitely second the comment above about eating a ripened pear and similar fruit. Fruit does provide sugar, does satisfy those cravings, but you can’t OD on fruit like you can on a cake.
my dad and i both have bipolar disorder and lifelong sugar jones. the rest of our family couldn’t care less about sweets. i can’t sleep unless i get a good load of sugar on board. a psychiatrist once told me that sugar craving is a frequent accompaniment to bipolar. in my case it was also tied to my menstrual cycle; if i didn’t have goodies in the house i would end up eating straight out of the sugar bowl. i’ve never thought sugar addiction is a bad thing; we do whatever we must to get from one day to the next. besides, it’s cheap and legal. let’s lighten up and get off each others’ case. — gilasalado