If there’s one thing our current pope loves besides Jews (just kidding!), it’s grown men who touch little boys’ buttholes. He can’t get enough of grown men touching little boys’ buttholes! He loves grown men touching little boys’ buttholes so much that when he finds out one of his homeys has been fiddling around back there with the genitals of a child who was just looking for guidance and care from a trusted adult, he sends them on an all-expenses paid permanent vacation to a new town filled with all-new, untouched little boys’ buttholes! Allegedly! What a kook! So. Is John Ratzenberger the worst pope ever? Let’s take a look back through history and FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT.

Saint Peter (?–?)

Invented this shit. Excruciating at dinner parties. Never stopped talking about his “book deal.” Chronic interrupter.

Pope Anicetus (154–167)

More like Pope Anus-eat-us! Am I right? Am I… hmmmmm. “Traditionally martyred.” Bummer. Sorry for that thing I said about your anus.

Pope Formosus (891–896)

This guy was such a jerk that a year after he died, his successor dug him up and put his corpse on trial for the “crime” of being a shitty pope. For real. Google it. Formosus foolishly insisted on representing himself at his trial. Rookie mistake. His putrid and desiccated skin sack, being neither alive nor a lawyer, was unable to convince the assembly of his nonshittiness. They cut off his fingers, tossed his already dead body into the Tiber River, pulled him out, and buried him again. Later, just for laughs—there was a lot of downtime in the ninth century—they exhumed him again, tried him again, and chopped his head off. His tombstone reads “At Least He Never Touched a Little Boy’s Butthole.”

Pope Sergius III (904–911)

Oh, hey! Look! It’s the dude who ordered the second exhumation and posthumous beheading of Pope Formosus (see above)! That’s arguably the most hilarious dick move in the history of tumescence. Sergius, being a go-getter, also had his archenemy, Pope Leo V, strangled about the neck to death (maybe) and founded an era of popedom called the “pornocracy” or “rule of the harlots.” Plus, he liked to wear something called the “papal tiara.” So what you’re saying is that he was basically a super-fabulous gay Larry Flynt with a great sense of humor who only maybe murdered a guy one time? Fuck it. Best pope ever.

Pope Lando (913–914)

History’s turncoatiest pope. Sold his best friend to a bounty hunter for a couple of lousy space-bucks. Loved Colt 45. Died like immediately.

Pope John XII (955–964)

Much like cheap sheet cake and Jeremy Piven, this one seemed like an okay dude at first. John XII was descended from Charlemagne—pretty cool, right?—and minstrels sung far and wide that his beard was likened unto the downy haunches of a fetal lamb. Tight. Except oh, snap! What a dick! According to the Patrologia Latina (which was written before fiction was invented, so you know it’s all true):

He had fornicated with the widow of Rainier, with Stephana his father’s concubine, with the widow Anna, and with his own niece, and he made the sacred palace into a whorehouse. They said that he had gone hunting publicly; that he had blinded his confessor Benedict, and thereafter Benedict had died; that he had killed John, cardinal subdeacon, after castrating him; and that he had set fires, girded on a sword, and put on a helmet and cuirass. All, clerics as well as laymen, declared that he had toasted to the devil with wine. They said when playing at dice, he invoked Jupiter, Venus and other demons. They even said he did not celebrate Matins and the canonical hours nor did he make the sign of the cross.

Okay. I don’t really give a care about the widow of Rainier, or public hunting, or cardinal subdeacon John’s testicles. But the rest of that shit? It’s like he wasn’t even TRYING! Was he high? Did someone forget to tell him he was the pope? Because I’m pretty sure that “Don’t turn the sacred palace into a whorehouse” is on page one of the rule book and “Don’t toast to the devil in front of the clerics” is on PAGE FUCKING TWO. Also, take off that stupid cuirass, John XII. You look like a goddamn warrior princess.

Pope Benedict IX (1032–1048)

Born Theophylactus of Tusculum (which, as everyone knows, is also the name of the muscle that keeps your butthole closed), Dick-9 was—according to some other jerks—a rapist, a murderer, a dog-maker-lover-to, and “the only man ever to have sold the papacy.” Wikipedia sums up his greatest hits:

St. Peter Damian described him as “feasting on immorality” and “a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest” in the Liber Gomorrhianus. The Catholic Encyclopedia calls him “a disgrace to the Chair of Peter”… Pope Victor III, in his third book of Dialogues, referred to “his rapes, murders and other unspeakable acts. His life as a pope so vile, so foul, so execrable, that I shudder to think of it.”

Held no qualms about cutting in line.

Pope Innocent IV (1243–1254)

Invented bitter beer face. Tortured pilgrims or something.

Pope Boniface VIII (1294–1303)

Panty-raider.

Pope Alexander VI (1492–1503)

Oh, Borgia pope! You crazy! Here’s just the short list: bribed his way into office with “four mule-loads of silver”; stacked the entire government with his own kin; just murdered whoever all the time; probably gave the go-ahead to enslave the indigenous peoples of the New World (cool idea!); literal werewolf; would eat your leftovers without asking “just ’cause,” even if you put a Post-it note on them; possibly boned his own daughter. As Lorenzo de Medici famously remarked: “Now we are in the power of a wolf, the most rapacious perhaps that this world has ever seen. And if we do not flee, he will inevitably devour us all. Also, what happened to my chicken tikka? I left it right here in the work fridge. I put a Post-it on it, you guys! You guys! Boooooorgiaaaaaaaa!!!” Ironically, eventually killed by a silver bullet crafted from his own mule-load of silver (see above)—thereby coining the popular expression “killed by a silver bullet from your own mule-load.”

Chelsea Pope (1989–1993)

My next-door neighbor growing up. Bitch borrowed my VHS copy of Beauty and the Beast and then never gave it back. She denied everything, her mom had a fight with my mom, total shit-show. Also captured and sold Hittite women into slavery in the southern Mediterranean for the carnal pleasures of the landed gentry. Mostly, I’m just mad about that VHS thing.

Pope Benedict XVI (2005–present)

The word “pope” is Spanish for “dad” (look it up), but this li’l Ratzcal is more like an uncle. Like the uncle who didn’t care if his THOUSANDS OF FRIENDS CAME OVER AND TOUCHED YOU ON YOUR BUTTHOLE. Jesus Christ. Worst pope ever. recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

80 replies on “Worst Popes Ever”

  4. Aw, nothing about the “Ballet of the Chestnuts?” I’m disappointed.
    Also, Boniface’s tantrums via Papal Bull are some of the most hilariously childish things in all of Papal history.

  7. Actually, “dad” is “papá” and Pope is “Papa” in Spanish. And “potato” is also “papa”! But Pope is a masculine noun and potato is a feminine noun; hence, “el Papa” for the pope and “la papa” for the potatoes.

  12. You did a total disservice to Pope Lando there, Lindy. It’s well-documented that he was forced to betray his buddy to protect the people of Cloud Vatican City.

  13. i’ve been depressed lately. i wish lindy would just write a 600 page novel and i could just read her for a few days. would cheer me the fuck up.

  14. No mention of Pope Innocent III? The Albigensian Crusade was a legendary papal dick move, among many dick moves organized by this bastard.

  20. Glad to not make the list! I’m the one true Pope and am available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. I can also a Mohel and would be glad to work on your little boy a bit. Also available for pediatric prostate exams. Ha! just kdding! Haven’t done a wedding in years.

  22. So funny! Also, now I’m reading Wikipedia, it’s scary how little you made up…

    I love all of these stories of popes killing other popes to be pope. And that crazy Satan-toasting pope was only 18! How do you get to become a satanic pope at 18? I mean, really. So awesome.

    Also, the more I write pope, the funnier the word seems. Pope, pope, pope.

  24. Lindy,

    that was mean. I’m a Catholic and I love Pope Benedict. I’ll be anxiously awaiting you piece next week about how Mohammed was a pervert… oh, sorry… I doubt that will be published because you’re probably too much of a pussy to take on the Muslims, but it’s okay to bash what is sacred to us Catholics. What a double standard piece of shit the Stranger is. Maybe you could tell me to “lighten up” and “it’s just a joke”, but jokes are only funny if you’re not the butt of them.

    Pro

  25. @pro, it’s not a joke. These popes over the years have wreaked havoc on the people who have trusted them, have been pronouncing bullshit, have been torturing heretics who believed that the earth orbited the sun, stifling free thinking, trashing other religions, acquiring wealth at the expense of poor people, and condoning exploitation of youngsters, not to mention insulting the women of the world to this day. It’s not the Stranger that is a duplicitous piece of shit. It’s the Holy Father, Pro. You should look into Allah or one of those other dudes who might offer you 72 Virgins for your trouble, and hose off the Pope.

  27. “Demon from hell in the disguise of a priest.”

    Spot the redundancy.

    Also, Pro, go eat some Jesus flesh and wash it down with blood.

  28. Hey Pro, Popes and the INSTITUTION that is the Catholic Church are the butt of the joke, not Catholics. You’re are either stupid or Pope Benedict XVI.

  30. hilarious (and factually correct!) article, but a “worst popes ever” list is kinda like a “worst dictators ever” or “worst natural disasters in third world countries” list–not making the list doesn’t really absolve it of blame…

  32. Ho hum. With all the real papal action in the world, why did you feel you had to make up lame stuff? Where are the anti-popes? The female pope? The pope who was found dead with a red-hot poker in his bum???

  35. @24: Pro, are you also an unmarried and childless virgin?

    I’m neither Catholic (THANK GOD!!!!) nor of Muslim faith, and although I agree that it sucks to get bashed, the Catholic Church has been openly corrupt since the dawn of Time.

    Just because something might be considered sacred doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right.

  36. Alright! Everyone quit ganging up on Pro. There is plenty of room in our fair city for dissenting opinions…Room for everyone except that bitch Chelsea…Fuck her!

  40. hello seattle only weekly
    nice to see that history is good press. anyway, i must object the authors’
    interpretation of the origin of the words pope and father
    the word pope comes to us in english from the latin ‘papa’ which comes to us from the greek, pappas-
    please understand that in spanish, portuguese, and italian (not sure about french or romanian and i want to forget anything greek related)
    the word for the pope is ‘papa’ but the word for ‘pope’ is normally is stressed on the first syllable
    while papa (daddy) is stressed on the second. this is pretty much a linguistic truism-
    i can say this with a whole heart because
    i am a native spanish/portuguese speaker, and speak fluent italian and english.
    noe while i agree that there is no doubt a very heavy handed patriarchical history in the
    catholic, orthodox and the other christian religions-
    and have always been partial to the credo about hanging noblemen with the entrails of the clergy…….
    in effect your last comment is completely wrong –
    in spanish (and in the other latin languages)
    the two words (pope and father)
    1. do not mean the same thing
    2. are not used the same way
    3. in some cases they are in fact even written differently

    more importantly, no native speaker of spanish, or any other romance language would ever mistake the two words, no matter the common root.

  43. you can poke as much fun at the ‘pope’ as much as you like- i won’t bother with that.

    but language is culture. and i dont want my culture trashed

    yes- papa is used in parts of latin america (mine) as the word for potatoe- but since it is not universal in latin i chose not to include it in my comment on the article.
    actually, it is pronounced like ‘papa as in pope’
    with the accent on the first syllable
    as opposed to papa as in father

    this is a very specific term, and limited to certain parts of latin america only.
    in other words it can’t be said to be a value as far as latin languages go- not even spanish in its 24 forms.

    but hey, lets give one to the author:

    lets change that last line to:

    in certain parts of latin america, the word for potatoe and the word for pope are written and pronounced identically.
    and yet they might just be the same thing!

  44. MY COMMENTS?
    WHO COULD COMMENT BETTER THAN THIS COMMENTATOR?
    MAYBE A COMMON TATOR?
    IN MY LIFE…I HAVE NEVER…
    COMMENTED LIKE THIS.
    PLEASE, KEEP COMMENTING.
    LESTER COLODNY

  45. MY COMMENTS?
    WHO COULD COMMENT BETTER THAN THIS COMMENTATOR?
    MAYBE A COMMON TATOR?
    IN MY LIFE…I HAVE NEVER…
    COMMENTED LIKE THIS.
    PLEASE, KEEP COMMENTING.
    LESTER COLODNY

  48. Lando was also the name of a Bishop in Germany in the seventh century. He was the bishop of a region called Rheims.

    Lando.

    Bishop of Rhymes.

    YES.

  49. Paul deserves much more blame than Peter. You should have included him; even though he wasn’t a pope, the Catholic Church was basically his creation. But why quibble, you have written a monument…this penetrating and erudite historyy will without doubt replace the Catholic Encyclopedia as the final word on the Church.

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