Escape to Witch Mountain (and, to a lesser extent, its sequel Return to Witch Mountain) was a clunky, wondrous '70s classic: a couple of child space-Aryans, Tony and Tia, crash-land on Earth and have to go live at an orphanage where they talk to cats and get punched a lot by a red-haired bully. They do not remember space. Then, because they also have super telekinetic/telepathic space powers (and a magic harmonica), a sinister businessman adopts them so they can help him bet on the ponies or something! (Wait, tell me again how this is worse than THE ORPHANAGE?) Sooo sinister! Then they have to escape to Witch Mountain in Eddie "The Grump" Albert's flying Winnebago. The end. I own this movie on DVD.

Disney's new sequel/remake, Race to Witch Mountain, updates that formula (now even Aryaner!) but with two extra-special twists: namely, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's left eyeball and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's right eyeball. In fact, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's face is the entire point of this movie. And—against my better judgment—I'm almost suckered (BECAUSE LOOK AT THE STUFF HE DOES WITH HIS FACE!).

D"TR"J's hilarious face plays a Las Vegas cab driver (you know this because he frequently exclaims things like, "I'm a cab driver, okay?") with a checkered past, who uses his super driving skillz to help the space kids do some stuff and, um, save space, I guess. It's stupid. Meanwhile, they're pursued by the shadowy United States government for shadowy purposes. The children are very pretty and sometimes funny, but their space powers—so important in the original—underwhelm, subsumed within the massive onslaught of D"TR"J's constant mugging and punching and crashing and eyebrowing. But whatever! Those alien kids say something crazy and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's face is all, FACE! Then the government is all, "nefarious plans!" and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's face is all, FAAAAACE!!!

Do you sma-la-la-la-la-la-low what "The Rock" is cookin'? I fucking hope it's another live-action Disney remake! Liiiiike Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in... Smellknobs and Cooksticks! Or The Journey of Natty "The Rock" Johnson! Honey, I Shrunk the Johnson! Herbie (and Also Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) Goes Bananas! I could literally do this all day. (Oops, I just did.) recommended