Escape to Witch Mountain (and, to a lesser extent, its sequel Return
to Witch Mountain) was a clunky, wondrous ’70s classic: a couple of
child space-Aryans, Tony and Tia, crash-land on Earth and have to go
live at an orphanage where they talk to cats and get punched a lot by a
red-haired bully. They do not remember space. Then, because they also
have super telekinetic/telepathic space powers (and a magic harmonica),
a sinister businessman adopts them so they can help him bet on the
ponies or something! (Wait, tell me again how this is worse than THE
ORPHANAGE?) Sooo sinister! Then they have to escape to Witch Mountain
in Eddie “The Grump” Albert’s flying Winnebago. The end. I own this
movie on DVD.
Disney’s new sequel/remake, Race to Witch Mountain, updates that
formula (now even Aryaner!) but with two extra-special twists: namely,
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s left eyeball and Dwayne “The Rock”
Johnson’s right eyeball. In fact, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s face is
the entire point of this movie. And—against my better
judgment—I’m almost suckered (BECAUSE LOOK AT THE STUFF HE DOES
WITH HIS FACE!).
D”TR”J’s hilarious face plays a Las Vegas cab driver (you know this
because he frequently exclaims things like, “I’m a cab driver, okay?”)
with a checkered past, who uses his super driving skillz to help the
space kids do some stuff and, um, save space, I guess. It’s stupid.
Meanwhile, they’re pursued by the shadowy United States government for
shadowy purposes. The children are very pretty and sometimes funny, but
their space powers—so important in the original—underwhelm,
subsumed within the massive onslaught of D”TR”J’s constant mugging and
punching and crashing and eyebrowing. But whatever! Those alien kids
say something crazy and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s face is all, FACE!
Then the government is all, “nefarious plans!” and Dwayne “The Rock”
Johnson’s face is all, FAAAAACE!!!
Do you sma-la-la-la-la-la-low what “The Rock” is cookin’? I fucking
hope it’s another live-action Disney remake! Liiiiike Dwayne “The Rock”
Johnson in… Smellknobs and Cooksticks! Or The Journey of Natty “The
Rock” Johnson! Honey, I Shrunk the Johnson! Herbie (and Also Dwayne
“The Rock” Johnson) Goes Bananas! I could literally do this all day.
(Oops, I just did.) 
Here, Anti-Lindy West Trolls, I’ll do your job for you so you can get out of your dank basement apartments and enjoy the day for once:
“Blah blah this is so stupid blah blah didn’t tell me anything about the movie blah blah not a true student of film criticism blah blah how dare you have a job writing for a major metropolitan weekly while my genius prose goes unappreciated blah blah blah blah ad nauseum blah.”
There, now go blow the stink off yas.
@ Billy Nilly.
It really is surprising that Lindy does get paid for this.
I mean… REALLY surprising. ‘Cause it is bad.
Entertaining, but bad.
Yours trolly,
Trolly Trollenstein
It’s curious that the Stranger’s comments sections are so filled with critique on the writer’s skills or style. Following that trend, I agree that this review is light on substance — but for a movie that is mostly fluff and froth, maybe Lindy’s airy approach is on target.
I <3 Lindy! She even makes me want to eat black licorice, possibly the most toxic substance on earth.
You can’t really critique her review simply because it was bad writing. It was about a movie starring the Rock, so there wasn’t really anything to live up to in the first place. But, she is funny.
“Honey, I shrunk the Johnson.”
Kinky!
White Fang “The Rock” Johnson?
“The movie was about nothing, and therefore it is OK for the movie CRITIC to basically take a piss at her readers!”
Wow, people. That is some messed up logic. Do you always accept such subpar service? I mean, if you drive a car that’s worth less than, say, $50,000, do you let your mechanic use duct tape and a shoelace to make repairs, since “the car is a piece of crap, so why should a professional do a good job?”
Really, I want to know. Why do you accept this terrible service just because it’s a bad movie? Is that all it is? Nothing more–it has no cultural value or meaning?
Sadness.
What I don’t understand is why anybody who has read and disliked a Lindy West review KEEPS READING THEM, and worse, COMMENTS. Once you’ve read, like, two, you know what you’re in for. I read them with absolutely no expectation of actual movie “review,” but in anticipation of her hilarious insanity.
It’s sad because this single-minded careerist is going to make a career out this sort of childish nonsense. Not what the world needs right now or ever really. But more likely she’ll end up as a waitress at a bowling alley. Because it’s cool. And Billy (way up at the top) you lost me at “major metropolitan weekly”.
Lindy is funny. That’s all there is to it.
“Do you always accept such subpar service?”
Do you always whine about the flavor of your free ice cream?
“Do you let your mechanic use duct tape and a shoelace to make repairs?”
Driving a car repaired in that way could jeopardize my life! This is just a silly review, though, not a car. (Whew!) This comment isn’t a car. You are not a car. I am not a car.
“It has no cultural value or meaning?”
You bet your (the rock) johnson it doesn’t.
Dudes….you do know this is just a movie review. It’s not really important…at all. Just read it, laugh, move on. Or better yet, go watch the movie yourself if you want to know what its about! That’s what movies are for! You watch them.