PORTLAND MERCURY

For a movie that no one really wants and that probably shouldn’t have been made, Solo: A Star Wars Story is way more fun than it should be! For a meal that no one really wants and that probably shouldn’t have been made, go to Denny’s!

In a remarkable display of corporate synergy never before attempted (except for when they did it for The Hobbit), Denny’s has created a special Solo-themed menu. Because we are purveyors of culture and cuisine, myself, Bobby Roberts, and Wm. Steven Humphrey got up early, stole the company credit card, and went to Denny’s, an establishment best described by noting that a gentleman in the parking lot was wearing a sleeping bag as a cape.

Two Moons Skillet. PORTLAND MERCURY

Mr. Humphrey ordered the Two Moons Skillet ($10.09), a pile of ham, mushrooms, hash browns, cheese sauce, and eggs. “I didn’t feel like the Denny’s organization put a lot of thought into what people in the Star Wars universe eat,” Humphrey noted. “That said, if hash browns and eggs are being eaten in the Star Wars universe, then the Empire might not be all bad.”

Co-Reactor Pancake Breakfast. PORTLAND MERCURY

I partook of the Co-Reactor Pancake Breakfast ($10.29), two pancakes drowned in strawberry sauce, “a pitcher of warm citrus sauce,” one pound of whipped cream, and “Crystal Crunch Rocks,” which are Pop Rocks, except bad. I felt dull-eyed and sluggish for 16 hours after eating it.

Apparently immune to the charms of the Blaster Fire Burger and the Crystal Crunch Milk Shake, Mr. Roberts ordered a boring-ass ham and cheese sandwich. “Just because a Denny’s recipe can be easily replicated with a two-minute trip to Winco and a thrift-store microwave,” he argued, “doesn’t mean it’s not tasty.”

Crystal Crunch Milk Shake. PORTLAND MERCURY

Denny’s was also selling Solo trading cards, so we bought multiple packs, hoping to get cards featuring (1) Chewbacca wearing snow goggles, (2) Lando Calrissian, or (3) Therm Scissorpunch, a wondrously named lobster-man. Instead, we got cards featuring Argus “Six Eyes” Panox (he has six eyes), Mudtrooper (like a stormtrooper, but for mud), and Enfys Nest (Solo’s villain, and also a pretty good name for an omelet). If anyone wants to trade a Mudtrooper and a Six Eyes for a Therm Scissorpunch, please contact me ASAP. You can find me at Denny’s. recommended

Solo: A Star Wars Story Inspired Menu is available through Tuesday, June 26, at Denny’s. No one in Solo eats at Space Denny’s.