I have a solemn warning to America: the resurgence of the ’90s choker was not a silly 2016 trend. No, ’90s chokers are back and here to stay. Initially, the metallics, sparkles, brooches, and chokers on ANTM seemed tweeny. But then the Golden Globes happened on Sunday, and Jennifer Campbell and I noticed a handful of trends that have all been showcased on this season of America’s Next Top Model (including ’90s chokers). Meryl Streep and Kerry Washington wore gaudy jewels and brooches, Nicole Kidman looked like a metallic, sparkly mermaid-witch, and Michelle Williams wore a defiant ribbon choker. So, I’ve concluded that ANTM, despite its constant ads for Burlington Coat Factory and Rimmel London, is actually trendy.
This week’s episode, “Avant Garde,” continues to push that trendiness, bringing in super crush-worthy designer and Lady Gaga collaborator Nicola Formichetti to style the girls for a forward-thinking shoot in a… supermarket? (If you don’t know about Formichetti’s cuteness, see here and here and here.) All in all, “Avant Garde” is a fairly drama-free episode (the best quote of the week is when Drew Elliot yells at Giah to “work the red meat like a model”) but the LOOKS this episode are STUNNING. Unfortunately, VH1 didn’t release the winning shots in time for my deadline (UPDATE: There’s a Facebook album), so I’m going to be a little avant garde myself this week.
I present you the girls’ avant garde looks, translated into objects you can buy in my fantasy department store.
India: Tissue Paper
India’s purple rainbow fantasy hair might be fading, but she still manages to look like Gigi Hadid as a K-Pop star. This week, India models the shit out of a shapeless spiky snowman outfit. It’s malleable and average… like tissue paper!
Cody: Macramé Plant Holder
Cody, who was recently told by a tarot card reader that she’d go through a period of isolation, is now twin-free since Tash was eliminated. Being twinless seems to be a good thing for Cody because her performance this week is her best yet. Formichetti styles Cody in a stunning gown made out of (what appears to be) film slides. The dress is vexing because it has so much movement, despite the hard materials. Due to this illusion and Cody’s aforementioned witchiness, I’ve decided her look is giving macramé plant holder realness. We all know macramé is the Stevie Nicks of textiles.
Binta: Shower Curtain
Binta is characteristically fierce and her look this week appears to be an homage to BCALLA’s Fall-Winter 2016 line (which you should check out). Regal, colorful, and club kiddy, just like this shower curtain.
Giah: Kendama Toy
IDFK what you do with a Kendama toy, but Giah basically looks like one. The dress she wears is ugly AF. Giah puts in a good effort, but her high heels and balloon tutu throw her off and she falls into a meat counter.
(PS: A friend just texted me that there are Kendama competitions at the Mall of America.)
(PPS: He said it’s not that special because there is everything at the Mall of America, excluding “equity and human decency.”)
Cory Anne: Electrical Cords
Cory Anne made a comeback this week with one of the best shoots EVER. She wears a long, twisting black train that comes up to two floppy bunny ears. If you squint real hard and back out of the room, she looks like a black electrical cord. (She wins this week.)
Marissa: Purple Aussie Shampoo
I’ll begrudgingly admit that Marissa, the charismatically bratty teenager of the group, is a good model. As Ora said, we want to be Marissa’s friend. Do I think she’ll throw me under the bus? Absolutely. But will I like it? Yes, because she’s so charming (and scary), just like Purple Aussie Shampoo. IDK about you, but these bottles are sassy. The subtle over-the-shoulder look of the pump is what sells it.
Courtney: Girandole Mirror
I’m really into Girandole mirrors for some reason. They’re stupidly expensive (like Courtney’s brows), awkwardly gaudy (like Courtney’s outfit this week), and hard to find (unlike an excuse from Courtney, which is easy to find). Courtney remains the main source of tension on the show. But it can’t be the Courtney show (even if we want it to be) and the producers can’t make her the main focus every week.
Tatiana: Frozen Bagels
So! A twist! Tatiana (my 2nd pick for the top 3, along with Courtney and Binta) is finally featured this week as the badass boss she is. Formichetti styles her in a gorgeous, angular dress that looks like really pretty mold. If she were an object in a supermarket, it would be the limited edition Frozen bagels, which were whimsical but always looked (rather unfortunately) like mold. #Facepalm.
But despite being styled as a fungus, Tatiana exemplifies everything the ANTM revamp is trying to push: boss, brand, business. I’m expecting more focus on Tatiana in the coming episodes as the producers try to make us forget about Courtney’s whininess.
Kyle: Mop
Kyle can’t pose. She’s a mop of a model. In fact, when placed in difficult heels and a large headdress, she spent most of shoot lying on the floor like a literal mop.
Paige: Fancy Electric Kettle
This week, Paige looks like a fashionista bride who fell asleep in a meat aisle. It’s classy and out-of-place, just like this $148.75 electric kettle.
Oh, wait… Wasn’t there another girl? Damnit. I forgot Krislian. All that chicken I bought at Ezell’s is putting me to sleep, so I’m going to take this error as a sign that Krislian shouldn’t be on the show anymore.
Who goes home this week? Somehow… somehow… our hometown (well, not my hometown) country gal Giah got the big ol’ cowboy boot this week. The judges were split, with Rita Ora stopping the show to fight with the other judges over their decision, but Giah catwalks away. I’m pissed about this elimination. Giah was Miss Congenality of the girls, even ending with an endearing quote: “Modelin’ has been such a dream for me. I know God is showing me I can be something even if I don’t believe it all the way.”
WINNER: Cory Anne
BYE BYE: Giah
Next week: Kyle and Marissa make out!? Binta and Tatiana have a screaming match!?
