America’s Next Top Model Recap: DJ Khaled Drops Some Major Keys

I don’t remember exactly how Susan Sontag’s On Camp goes, but I think one of the rules is that you can’t have a camp classic without an ingenue throwing herself down a flight of stairs. America’s Next Top Model (cycle 23) gets its iconic moment in this week’s episode, Major Key Alert, with ingenue-elect, Chia-Pet-eyebrowed Courtney. This week is (again) almost entirely about Courtney, but I don’t care because she’s… well, she’s a really good model.

DJ Khaled, who almost died on Snapchat, is the Major Key guest this week. (BTW, grandma, DJ Khaled loves keys. His love for them may be metaphorical but it also may be literal. We do not know.) The girls freak out when Khaled enters because they know he will deliver some key advice. And (before sending the girls out into the streets of NYC wearing only lingerie) he delivers:

To be a superstar… you have to be a superstar.

Simple, but also not simple. It’s basically two lines of a haiku (if you don’t include “a” when you count the syllables). What’s the third line? You have to bring it. (That’s how deep DJ Khaled goes.) Confounding? Well, that’s the Major Key brand, boss.

Since it’s the social media episode, the challenge this week is for the girls to take three selfies at an exclusive Paper magazine party. Their photos (basically a selfie triptych) are supposed to communicate a story as well as their brand. No cameraman. No director. Just a girl staring at herself in an iPhone, being stared at by a camera crew, being stared at by the world.

I’ve compiled my own top three shots from this episode because I’m competitive. Come at me, Law Roach!

#1: Courtney reminds the girls about karma and then falls down a flight of stairs.

“I fell down the stairs two times already. And ain’t nobody helped me.” – Giah, on Courtney CBS Television Distribution. Collage by author.

Courtney’s one of my bets for top 3. (The other two are Binta and Tatiana.) Courtney is striking, dramatic, and slays every challenge. Consequently, all the girls hate her. This episode, however, we see they might have some good reasons.

Courtney starts off the episode being shocked she won the main challenge in the last episode. She then proceeds to be a terrible partner during her DJ Khaled-judged Snapchat shoot with Binta, only to win the challenge. (Again, she’s shocked.) Binta says Courtney’s win is a fraud and has an epic tirade against her where she maybe says she’s gonna kill Courtney. It’s unclear.

Back at the apartment, Courtney reminds all her haters that karma comes back around. She then falls down a flight of stairs, which seems like an apparent act of karma. Giah announces (without urgency) that Courtney fell down the stairs and “hit her head. And her back. And her arm.” No one cares except Paige, who remains slackjawed for the entirety of every episode. There’s only a small red mark on Courtney but she cries a lot. The girls love her pain.

#2: Maybe Courtney is an artist of substance and subversion.

Courtney’s performance this episode deserves a spot at Art Basel. CBS Television Distribution. Collage by author.

Courtney’s first selfie in her triptych shows her lying on the floor of the Paper magazine party, crumpled like the body of a person who threw themselves down a flight of stairs. During panel, the judges love Courtney, but Drew Elliot tells Courtney that she’s in “ailment mood 100 percent of the time.” While this is true, they fail to grasp how self-referential, narcissistic, millennial, and zeitgeisty Courtney’s first selfie truly is. Maybe, just maybe, Courtney knows what she’s doing. Maybe she’s an artistic wunderkind. Maybe she’s America’s Next Top Model. IDK.

#3: The episode ends with some real bizarre choices by the judges.

(Okay, Ashley Graham wasn’t blue or pretending to be an Avatar. But she did wear funky eye makeup that lowkey reminded me of hot Avatar aliens.)

Krislian, who was almost sent home last week because she was too social media, wins the social media challenge. The judges love Krislian so much they brawl over who gets to confess their love first. (Rita Ora wins, obvi, because she’s the host.)

The bottom two comes down to Coryanne and Tash. Coryanne is my bet to go home because she spent the episode complaining about missing her friends and how it’s hard to live in NYC. “In LA,” she says, “all you need to be is cute to be invited to fun things.” But Tash (the twin who cried about being a “girlie girl” last week) is kicked off this week for her basic / bad / “everything looks cheap” social media triptych. It’s disappointing Tash is sent home because she has a really striking look, but at least now the judges will know which twin they’re talking to.

Next week: Kyle (our quiet protagonist) blames Courtney’s emotional instability on her period.