- Backstrom.
As you know, I’m always looking to make a little extra moo-la-la ($$$) on the side. Here are just a few of the moonlighting jobs I’ve taken to supplement my “wise-ass TV column” income: jizz mopper at Mr. Peep’s Adult Video Store. Personal assistant to former secretary of state Madeleine Albright. Scuba-diving golf ball retriever. Slapping the face of Republican senator Ted Cruz whenever he says something stupid (I was eventually let go because I was wearing a hole in his cheek). Dressing up like He-Man for bachelorette parties. “Insult barista” (instead of making coffee, my job was to wear an apron and roll my eyes at the customers). Sweatshop middle management. Selling mustache rides for five cents. Monkey whisperer. And freelance astronaut (luckily, the standards for Croatia’s space program are very low).
Anyway, a verrrrrry innnnnteresting job opportunity in the highly lucrative field of “jerkhole detection” has presented itself—and I’m seriously considering taking it! In short, “jerkhole detection” is solving difficult conundrums or crimes while being a complete jerkhole about it. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch in the BBC’s Sherlock: total jerkhole! A baffling case is presented to him, and instead of saying, “Wow, this is a toughie. I can see why you felt insecure about your ability to solve it,” he’s all like, “Pip pip and cor blimey, guv’nah! You’re a right git and a bit of a dank squib…