Dear women,
All the men in the world here. Just wanted to let you know that
you’re fucking stupid. You know how you always think that we like you?
Stupid! Because we DON’T. Except when we do. But if we do, we are
lying! Because we just want to FUCK EVERYONE WHO IS NOT YOU! And you’re
hopelessly, disgustingly stupid for thinking we don’t. See this right
here? Yeah, it’s a penis. You’ve probably seen one before, but
you’ve probably never seen the same one more than once. Because
we’re ramblin’ men, darlin’! We gotta ramble on down that dusty trail!
Please stop calling us on our ramblin’ cowboy phones. Anyway, you
should totally pay to see He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s 129
minutes of irrefutable proof that everyone in the world, divided by
gender, behaves exactly the same way in the exact same predictable
patterns. Always. (Except when they don’t.) You, women, are predictably
stupid. We, men, are predictably having an awesome time being just not
that into you. Ever. Enjoy your movie! You can thank us later.
Love (Just kidding!),
Men
Watching He’s Just Not That Into You was one of the most
miserable experiences of my life—right up there with the time
I accidentally swallowed 12 spiders, and that summer when I was on mop
duty at the egg-eating contest, and the time I fell in the chipper at
Old Man O’Flaherty’s sawmill.
Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) is single. Harrumph! She spends
most—no wait, all—of her time harrumphing, crying,
rationalizing, stalking, and staring at her phone waiting for men to
call back. (This behavior, the prologue tells us, is the same the world
over, even in AFRICA: “I’m sure he just forgot your hut number.“
“Or was eaten by a lion.”) All of that changes when she meets Alex
(Justin Long), a player-about-town who rejects hot ladies left and
right, despite the fact that he looks like the black-Irish cousin of
Beaker from the Muppets. Alex proceeds to teach Gigi all about why guys
are just not that into her. Meanwhile, in subplot-land, all the men are
like, “People who get married are not to be trusted,” and all the women
are like, “Let’s look up places for your destination wedding!”
I’m not saying that people don’t do predictable things. I’m not
saying that women aren’t annoying sometimes, or that all men secretly
do want to get married, or that Bradley Cooper is not the world’s
handsomest slice of unrequited-love pie. But reducing all human
behavior to bullshit platitudes like “A girl will not sleep with you if
she calls you ‘cuddly’ or ‘dependable'” is counterproductive and boring
and meaningless. It means nothing. I have never met a movie
marketed to women that was quite so stridently and shamelessly
antiwoman. Stupid, stupid women. 
In truth, I’m hard-pressed to imagine how the result could be otherwise. Wasn’t this a non-fiction book a couple years ago? I could swear I once had the unfortunate experience of seeing one of the authors (Greg Behrendt?) on, like, CNN. You know, it’s not like there’s a war on, or an election about to happen, so we’ll bring you this bit of ultra-important news?
Of course, I have a fairly … um … difficult … view of marriage and its success rate, so maybe I’m not the best judge.
Still, though, when I first heard the title was coming to the big screen, well, I don’t think I could have written this review, but it would have included some of the same words. Stupid, for instance. Meaningless. Oh, and bullshit.
Thank you, Ms. West, for making the sacrifice of seeing this film so nobody else has to.
(And anyone who does? It’s their own damn fault.)
Oh Jesus Christ. I have friends, otherwise decent people, who have horrendous taste in movies. They want me to see this or Confessions of a Fucking Shopaholic.
I want to just give them the finger and them go watch Coraline in 3D again.
129 MINUTES!! Two fucking hours of this hooing and hawing and vaginas! You presumptuous fucks! Who do you think you are making this movie two fucking hours long? WHO?!? ANSWER ME HOLLYWOOD!
this movie sucked.
confessions of a shopaholic is WAAAAY better.
The book and movie were both written by men… so don’t blame women entirely…
Lindy is 100% correct in every way about this film. It made me want to invent Superherpes, or zombies, just so all the characters in the film could die in a suitably horrible way.