A lot of people—and not just Catholics!—are mad about
Angels & Demons, the latest popey poo-poo platter from
poop-monger Dan “Poopin’ Out Poops and Callin’ ‘Em a Book” Brown. (Note
to Dan Brown: Your last name is also the color of poop!)

I know about this madness because I have received quite a few press releases from various mad citizens writing about themselves in
the third person. Conspiracy theorists are mad (Mark Dice e-mails:
“‘It’s sad that a great actor like Tom Hanks is aiding the cover-up of
the existence of the Illuminati today and is a part of Dan Brown’s
fraud,’ says Mark Dice, author of The Illuminati: Facts &
Fiction“). Hindus are mad (Rajan Zed e-mails: “Acclaimed Hindu
statesman Rajan Zed, in a statement in Nevada today, said that this
film was unnecessarily playing with the sentiments of the faithful for
mercantile greed”). Actual angels may or may not be mad, but apparently
they are available for interview (a publicist for a guy who
interviewed a guy who pretended to channel the Archangel Gabriel
e-mails: “The first 10 pages will answer most questions, ease doubt,
and establish the credibility of the author”).

To all of you people I respond with a resounding: ‘KAY.

Because in point of fact, Angels & Demons contains
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT ANYONE NEEDS TO BE TALKING ABOUT IN ANY WAY,
MAD OR OTHER-WISE. The only people who might possibly justify being mad
about this movie are (1) nobody, because who cares; (2) poop,
because it deserves better; and (3) Tom Hanks’s wigmaker, because
apparently she was murdered and replaced with a opossum rolling around
on some flypaper.

This movie is just super-duper dumb. Here’s what happens: The pope
dies. Meanwhile, a lady-scientist and a priest-scientist create
antimatter in a little bottle (“Inject particle beams!”). Then someone
steals the antimatter AND science-priest’s eyeball! Harsh! Then Tom
Hanks is all, “It’s the ancient Illuminati threat.” Then a skinny,
tea-drinking, bespectacled atheist in a sinister hippie Vanagon (OF DEATH!) kidnaps a bunch of cardinals. Then Tom Hanks gets access to
the Vatican archives, which gives him a funny feeling in his genitals.
Then he unravels a conspiracy, then switcheroo, then KABLOW!, then
switcheroo again, the end.

Angels & Demons holds one’s interest and offers a rather
lovely tour of Rome’s piazzas and obelisks and domes. But all the
suspense is of the cheapest, easiest kind (hey, this guy’s
drowning! Yo, homie is on fire!), and the film’s message is too muddled
to be genuinely offensive. What—Catholics and scientists don’t
get along, except when they do? Sometimes crazy people kill people, and
killing people is bad? Being set on fire is hellaaaa laaaaame? Dan
Brown is a terrible writer? Controversy FAIL. recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

11 replies on “Concessions”

  2. Excellent review. I’m Catholic, but nothing that Brown says in his books about the Vatican makes me mad; hell, I say bad stuff about it all the time. The thing that makes me mad about Brown’s books is that anybody takes his lame-ass crap seriously. Brown and his fans want to have it both ways: if you call BS on the stuff in his books people say “it’s just fiction”, but then will turn around and say “but it’s SO interesting”, suggesting there’s something there. If it’s just fiction, then of course it’s not worth getting mad about. However, Brown wants to be taken seriously as some sort of alternative historian instead of the bad novelist that he is.

  3. Now I HAVE to go see it, Hanks Hair or no Hanks Hair.

    p.s. Lindy West is the CUTEST ever, and I mean that in a totally non-stalky way. My wife (the ‘waist-up lesbian’ – doesn’t like vaginas but knows a pretty face when she sees one) thinks so, too.

    I just told all 5 people following me on Twitter that too.

    So there.

  4. I started reading A&D and found myself bored. The hot chick scientist daughter of a priest who’s also a physicist thing just struck me as hallmark puke inducing saccharine bullshit.

    The Big Hominid, of Big Hominid’s Hairy Chasms fame did a great spoof of Dan Brown a few years back.

  5. @3 “Waist up lesbian” is the best term ever! I just texted it to my husband and he called me at work screaming OMG thats you.. so you know if I was cool enough to have Twitter I’d follow you just for that… Thanks! And I agree Lindy West is buckets of kittens adorable!

  6. Your lack of any mention of Ewan McGregor lends me the hope that at least he doesn’t make the movie suck more?

    I love these books for how ridiculous they are. I admire interestingly-spun bullshit. You can’t expect it to translate into a movie worth watching, though.

  7. Casting Ewan McGregor is never a bad idea, no matter how hideous your movie wlll be. That Rodriguez kiddie spy movie, this, the crappy late Star Wars junk – he is always just fine, and nobody minds, and he’s bulletproof.

    Now I’m thinking more about him and not this silly movie or fantastic review.

    Is Ewan kinda like if Steve McQueen had a livelier sense of humor and showed his dick a lot? Steve was in a couple of horrible movies too, but just having him onscreen made a person briefly happy to be alive so it didn’t matter.

Comments are closed.