I know this is a tough year and we’re embroiled in Le Great
Depression Part Deux and everybody needs money real bad,
especially the arts. But there was something extra-annoying about this
year’s SIFF opening gala at the Paramount: Guests paid $50 to $200 per
ticket to be held hostage for a million-hour-long sales pitch in
which SIFF trumpeted its own cultural significance (“We have no
idea how important the work we do here really is” was the message
of an opening short film—more on that later) and then demanded an
additional $35 from each patron, passing around little envelopes
for sanctimonious tithing purposes. Managing director Deborah Person
called $35 an “insignificant” amount. Speak for yourself, Person! (To
be fair, I did not pay to get into this event, because The
Stranger pays my salary in pencils, Craisins, and whatever
homoerotic miscellanea rolls off of the boss’s desk [losers weepers,
Savage!], and the United States does not accept those items as currency
at this time.)
You can’t knock SIFF’s dedication to a fun party, though (free beer!
Free chickens!), and once the movie was over and we were all out in the
open air, my jerky indignation dissipated. The only thing I’m genuinely
still grumpy (enraged?) about is that opening Almost Live rerun short film—a grueling retread of every Seattle in-joke since Ivar
Haglund made love to Chief Sealth and gave birth to Mt. St. Helens.
Framed as an It’s a Wonderful Life parody, the film explores the
daaark possibility of a Seattle without SIFF, eliciting empty,
Pavlovian laughs from anyone with the ability to recognize the facial
features of Steve Pool (congrats!).
In this terrifying apocalyptic upsidedownworld, Dale Chihuly is a
dirty pirate, Tom Douglas sells hot dogs, Steve Pool wears a
tracksuit and hawks blingy watches, and one of those Hasselbecks
throws garbage instead of footballs. My god, there is no fancy coffee
(“grande!?!!??!”). Something something Bill Gates something something
software blah blah. Hey, where can I get a newspaper around here? “The
Times went out of business years ago—the only thing left
is The Stranger.”
When Tom Skerritt inevitably appeared on the screen (in a world with
no SIFF, he owns a doughnut shop—can you imagine??), the woman
behind me gasped, “OH MY GOD, NO WAY!” Really, ma’am? No way?
Because yes way. OBVIOUS WAY. I can’t fucking turn around in
this town without tripping over that guy’s mustache. Is it really that
exciting, Seattle? Let the man live his life. LET ME LIVE MINE.
I have been sick of this cutesy
chuckle-chuckle-Seattle-coffee-Microsoft-chuckle shit since the
day my great-grandmammers was born. Before the gala film finally began
(In the Loop, a British political satire), the stars of the
movie got up onstage and said a few clearly unprepared words. “Thank
you for the software,” said one. “Let’s have some coffee,” said
another. See? Can’t we leave that shit to the outsiders, Seattle? Steve
Pool deserves better. 
this is your funniest article in awhile.
craisins.
obvious way. good job.
I wish they would have just passed an offering plate around. That way I could have pretended to drop money into it just like I always did at church.
“We have no idea how important the work we do here really is.” What else is new?
“Deborah Person called $35 an ‘insignificant’ amount” because she is RICH.
“Managing director Deborah Person called $35 an ‘insignificant’ amount” because she is RICH. I’ve been told she’s SIFF’s #1 funder.
Of course the US doesn’t except craisins as currency because what the fuck? That shit is nasty.
Say what you will about Almost Live, but never mock the Ballard Driving Academy.
I love you!
Personally, I loved it.
God, you guys are such downers sometimes – at least it wasn’t dreck like Humpday …
“Because yes way”. I do love you.
True though about Ballard Driving Academy.
“(To be fair, I did not pay to get into this event, because The Stranger pays my salary in pencils, Craisins, and whatever homoerotic miscellanea rolls off of the boss’s desk [losers weepers, Savage!], and the United States does not accept those items as currency at this time.)”
I desperately needed to laugh this hard. Thanks.
There’s a film not at SIFF that everyone should definitely check out. The English Surgeon is opening June 19th at the Northwest Film Forum in Seattle. It’s a documentary following the Humanitarian efforts of an English Neurosurgeon in the Ukraine. In an area with a lack of equipment, funding, and sanitary conditions, Marsh manages to save lives out of the goodness of his heart. Watching the Moral dilemmas he must face as he deals with mortality is truly eyeopening and speaks volumes about Humanity. This is a definite must see.
http://www.TheEnglishSurgeon.com
One Movie too see that is not in this festival but will be in Seattle around this time is The English Surgeon. This movie is fantastic. It is a documentary following an English surgeon, Henry Marsh, as he makes trips to the Ukraine to perform risky neurosurgery on those in need. Marsh is a quirky lovable character who you learn to love and pity as you witness his constant moral dilemmas. This Film says a lot about humanity and it is a must see. It opens June 19th at The Northwest Film Forum in Seattle.