Clearly: The movie G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was written by
an actual G.I. Joe doll brought to life by a wizard. All right, then.
Who did it? Who was it? Which one of you dark sorcerers brought the
action figures to life and told them they could write a movie? Was it
you, Morlack? Was it you, Richard Branson?? Don’t look over there,
look at me in my face, Branson! Don’t look at that potted plant
like it’s your babysitter and it’s about to pick you up in its station
wagon and drive you away from my face—look at my face, you old towheaded minx! Because whoever‘s behind this
better hold on to their super-waxed villain ‘stache, because I am going
to thank-you-French the SHIT OUT OF YOU. Because G.I. Joe is the
best autobiographical action film written by tiny plastic men and acted
by life-size plastic men EVER. (Dennis Quaid: actual mannequin?)
Here is the situation: Channing Tatum is the Best Soldier in the
World Ever. He is America made flesh. He is a winner! When a
couple of warheads filled with magical, metal-eating “nanomites”
(invented by Cobra Commander Joseph Gordon-Levitt) are stolen
(also by Cobra Commander Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and don’t bother
asking why someone would go to the trouble of stealing his own
technology from his own self because it DOES NOT MATTER, YOU
COMMUNIST), Tatum falls in with a special clan of underground
fighty wax figurines called G.I. Joes. Fight! Fight! Fight!
G.I. Joe is a gleefully absurd cotton-candy action bullshit
hootenanny. My goodness, it is terrrrrrrrrible! Internal logic? No.
Believable human behavior? Never. Every line of dialogue is a
cliché of a cliché, every character a potato, the
special effects (observe the polar bear!) look like clip art. And
unlike that other summer-blockbuster-based-on-a-line-of-plastic-dolls
(robots in disguise), G.I. Joe doesn’t give a fuck about
being good. The movie proceeds as follows: “Once unleashed, the
nanomites will not stop. EVER.” “Come on! We gotta get in this fight!”
“Don’t make me shoot a woman.” “Oh my god. They’re going to use him to
weaponize the warheads.” “Try this on for size, boys.” “Zey’re going to
detonate one of ze war’eads at ze Eiffel Towerre!” There is a robot
fish, a medieval-tymes flashback, 11 seconds of Brendan Fraser, a
plane that only speaks Celtic, zero Sgt. Slaughter, a dash of
Face/Off, a buttload of Star Wars, aaaaaaaaand we’re
done. Incredible. My mouth has a date with your mustache, Branson. You
can’t hide forever. 
So…any chance there’d be some reporting on the state of local indie theatres?
– NWFF just had a fundraiser and made a little over half of their goal. E.T., Breathless, and The Iron Giant were dropped from their online calendar (and maybe others, I don’t remember which). They announced that there will be no more printed calendars, which is a shame because the website is *really* difficult to navigate.
From what I hear, staff are being put on indefinite leave, faulty equipment is being rented out (with no one around to fix it), and volunteers are unable to give out change from the till so they fish through their own wallets and purses.
– SIFF hasn’t shown anything since the festival, which was mid June. They’re starting to update their calendar, but it’s mostly events that are sponsored by outside vendors. They had a 24 hr movie marathon fundraiser awhile back with no news of how it turned out. The website mentions a $50,000 annual campaign and I’m not sure how this affects the new Film Center that has yet to open.
I’m guessing the big donors aren’t opening their wallets this year.
– The Grand Illusion still chugs along. Landmark seems to be doing fine, although the Neptune has turned into an exclusive 3-D tool.
– Film events at SAM are now offering discounts to SIFF and NWFF members. I don’t remember this happening in the past and am concerned if we’re going to lose one or two wonderful institutions. Thank goodness Lindy will be around to share her thoughts on G.I. Joe vs. Transformers.
So…any chance there’d be some reporting on the state of local indie theatres?
– NWFF just had a fundraiser and made a little over half of their goal. E.T., Breathless, and The Iron Giant were dropped from their online calendar (and maybe others, I don’t remember which). They announced that there will be no more printed calendars, which is a shame because the website is *really* difficult to navigate.
From what I hear, staff are being put on indefinite leave, faulty equipment is being rented out (with no one around to fix it), and volunteers are unable to give out change from the till so they fish through their own wallets and purses.
– SIFF hasn’t shown anything since the festival, which was mid June. They’re starting to update their calendar, but it’s mostly events that are sponsored by outside vendors. They had a 24 hr movie marathon fundraiser awhile back with no news of how that turned out. The website mentions a $50,000 annual campaign and I’m not sure how this affects the new Film Center that has yet to open.
I’m guessing the big donors aren’t opening their wallets this year.
– The Grand Illusion still chugs along. Landmark seems to be doing fine, although the Neptune has turned into an exclusive 3-D tool.
– Film events at SAM are now offering discounts to SIFF and NWFF members. I don’t remember this happening in the past and am concerned if we’re going to lose one or two wonderful institutions. Thank goodness Lindy will be around to share her thoughts on G.I. Joe vs. Transformers.
Also, I though Brendan Frazier WAS Sgt Slaughter. But it all happened so fast, I couldn’t tell…
So…
G.I. Joe sucks less than Transformers? I don’t need to bother seeing either of them, right?
All u guys r so stupid except up top theyre pros ur not…
Transformers wuz awesome in my OPINION. ok? now stop listening 2 wat other ppl hav 2 say n watch it 4 urself…
Bcuz in my OPINION transformers was great n pretty funny…In my OPINION GI joe was ok but not great soooo stop listening 2 wwat other ppl hav 2 say
n dont listen 2 me cuz that was only my OPINIONS!!!!