This one time, my sister (who is hilarious and sometimes performs magic spells) asked my mom (who is exasperated and came from Norway) if she’s sad that “they don’t have Valhalla anymore.” Because, you know, nowadays Norway is all bonkers about atheism, and so Norwegians just drift into a pragmatic and well-appointed silent oblivion after they die instead of going to a majestic golden hall in the sky with an eagle butler and a never-ending font of pickled herring. “Hhhhhhhhhh,” sighed my mom, like she does. “That’s like asking a Greek person if they worship Zeus.”
Well here’s my question, Mom “Hhhhhhhhhh” West: WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH BELIEVING IN ZEUS? Zeus makes at least as much sense to me as Jesus or whatever, plus he is about a zillion times better at partying. So let’s just sit here for a minute and imagine my delight at the new movie Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. Ahhhhhhh. Are you imagining it? I know, right?! My delight needs the seat-belt extender on the airplane! The fire department had to jaws-of-life the wall off of my delight’s trailer! And a precocious runaway named Jesse had to help my delight jump the breakwater to escape the evil amusement-park owner and his pack of goons! What I’m saying is that it’s BIG. BIG FAT DELIGHT.
What PJ&TO:TLT teaches us is that anyone (you or me, even) could go to Mount Olympus and party with Zeus 4ever, just so long as Poseidon banged our moms one time way back at the Jersey Shore. The movie is about this high-school man-child named Percy (Logan Lerman, adorbs) who—when his substitute English teacher turns into a monster and attempts to eat his face—discovers exactly that: He is the son of Poseidon (who is even better than Zeus, btw, because MERMAIDS!), and now, after a few weeks at demigod summer camp, he has to
go on a totally kickass quest and save
the earth.
In this universe, Greek myth and modern life merge in charming and unexpected ways (spoiler alert, if you give a shit): Medusa (Uma Thurman) is a dominatrix who sells garden statuary, the Hydra is a night janitor in Nashville, Pierce Brosnan is a centaur, the island of the lotus-eaters has been relocated to, surprise, Las Vegas. It’s a kids’ movie directed by Chris Columbus, so there’s plenty of corny shit (they couldn’t resist a “I guess we’ve all got daddy issues” joke), but the premise is fun enough and the monsters scary enough and the casting toothsome enough that I didn’t even wince. More like Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The HEART THIEF, am I right? (Because you stole mine! You did!!!) 
Yep, this is what modern journalism has come to. Middle school. Congratulations.
The book was far better. The movie dropped huge chunks of the plot, rewrote it in parts, and made Grover into an entirely new character. Read the book(or listen to it on audiobook!).
This “Lindy West” character is Tao Lin’s best invention.
I gave up at the second sentence. Does the article say anything at all about the movie?
Oh boo-hoo! The review of some children’s movie that I’ll never see and wouldn’t have thought about otherwise wasn’t some boring thumbs up’n’down bullshit like they have in real newspapers. I know what The Stranger is like and I’m serious about things so I don’t enjoy Lindy’s writing but I still read every week and then whine about how a blog and a free newspaper aren’t like how I think they should be. Sob!
My daughter wanted to see this and so I took her – and yep, Lindy is spot on. Great fun movie, scared the kiddo just enough, and I was entertained.
PJ & JO: TLT *
PJ & TO: TLT
@7 and 8: Goddamnit. Fixing.
LOL at @2.
“I saw the spongebob squarepants movie the other day, don’t bother! The book was waaaay better!”
@9: Why did you fix it, DON’T GIVE IN TO THEIR DEMANDS.
@Rose:
You’re the only one here whining. Sob!
Nobody cares about your issues with “real newspapers,” and I don’t know how you define “boring thumbs up’n’down bullshit”–probably some of the writers that Charles Mudede mentioned in his review the other day, right?–but some of the people who read the film section actually like films and film criticism. There are many other reviewers out there in blogs, free newspapers, and even on other pages of The Stranger who are interested in their subject and who can write (and type) in a meaningful or entertaining way. Maybe if you read a little more yourself you’d be better qualified to criticize the comments here. Boo-hoo!
Oh lordy. I’m not friends with Lindy (sadly) I’m just someone who came on here to say that the following phrase is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time.
“The fire department had to jaws-of-life the wall off of my delight’s trailer!”
Then I saw all the haters. Jeez people. Get a life. “This is what modern journalism has come to.” Dude, please go back to the “Right” Coast. We have something here called “humor.” You won’t enjoy it.
When I saw the poster for this movie, I thought it was one of the Harry Potter movies (which I loathe) gone off the rails. (“Wow. So Harry now throws bolts of lightning, huh? He really is Superman for underage English ner– Oh, okay.”) But I suppose if you’re going to get asses in seats, there’s no better choice of movie to evoke, right?
I am the true son of Poseidon and sole heir to the kingdom of Atlantis!! I have commanded my underwater mignons to brainwash and control the gullible fish people of Seattle by mixing LSD into every raindrop!!! Mass delusion shall rise like the tide!! Victory shall be mine!! Mwah, ha, ha, ha!!
Sometimes cute sarcastic movie reviews are gross. But, then again, so are Cap Hill hipsters and the stranger is the hipster Bible.
fuktardz.
Oh my god, the cheese!
I like this style of review. Reading it is like watching a kitten bat scurrying words into docility. Playful and cunning, it’s the language of innocent rapacity.
A tween-style, ADD review for a tween-style, ADD movie. I say brilliant.
My nine year old has been begging me to take him to this movie since his teacher read the book in class. Thanks, Lindy, for letting me know that I might like it too, and in such an entertaining way.
My nearly 10 y.o. son loved it. I thought it was atrocious.
My ten year old loved the book(s) so I read them too. I have to say not too bad, as far as kids books go.
Then we took my son and his friend to see the movie. If you’ve read the books, the movie is a huge let down. If you haven’t, I imagine it might be enjoyable.
You had me at pickled herring. This review makes me really want to see this movie. I am totally sold.
Is that… is that a Free Willy reference? Lindy West: I love you!
This was a really fun review. Before reading it, I was probably going to pass on this movie. But after reading how much fun West had, I’m excited to go!
I can’t quite get the pissy naysayers in this comment thread. Have you ever ready any of Dorothy Parker’s literary reviews from the New Yorker? This is in that tradition, and she’s widely considered a genius. What’s your problem?
I don’t think I’ll be seeing the movie, it’s not really my cup of tea. FYI, it’s called “Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief” here in Australia, and rated M (for a mature audience, moderate in impact.
What really caught my eye was the introducion. I’ve been a follower of Sobek, the crocodile god of the ancient Egyptians. He’s perfect for me; he looks cool, eats my enemies and will protect me from crocodiles. What more could you ask from a god?
I’m quite fond of the fact that the PJ&O series was written for the author’s kid with ADHD and dyslexia, and that Percy’s ADHD and dyslexia are due to his Olympian heritage.
~ Best justification for an evil-yet-pedestrian stepdad EVAR.
~ Why did Hades have to be reconfigured into Satan!? AGAIN! It wasn’t funny in Disney’s Hercules, and that’s not even the way Hades is in the book version! Sure, he rules the underworld and is steward of the dead, but Hades is not evil, nor was he tricked by Zeus to take dominion of the underworld, nor does he resent his position (other than the excessive paperwork). Hades owns and controls all the gold, platinum, diamonds, reinforced steel and enriched plutonium IN DA WORLD! and he knows it. Hades is The Man.
Script and dialog-wise, PJ&TO:TLT was Harry Potter lite. Some of the jokes could have used better timing. Garden dom Medusa could have been more sophisticated and scarier. Not sure why Percy & Friends were 14ish rather than 12 as per the book. The Marauder’s Map Lite could have been managed better.
Fun when seasoned lightly with the MST mantra.
As a licensed anonymous hater, I disapprove of the Lindy hate. Her reviews of cheesy movies far exceed the entertainment potential of the movies themselves.