Oddly enough, the powers that be did not host a Marmaduke press screening before opening day last Friday. Now, I know what you’re thinking—”OH MY BABY JESUS IN HEAVEN, THEY DIDN’T?!”—and I would appreciate it if you would tone down the sarcasm, rhetorical telepathic conversation partner inside my head-universe. You dick. So anyway, this morning I paid nine American dollars to watch Marmaduke in a completely empty movie theater. I live-tweeted the experience. Here’s what went down:

Marmaduke has a “new leash on life.” Make a note of it.

Spoiler alert: Marmaduke wins the surfing contest.

Spoiler alert: Marmaduke is outrageous.

Try to keep up: Everyone found out Marmaduke got GeorgeLopezCat to let Marmaduke beat him in a fight and now he is “Marmafake” and evil…

…Bosco is top dog again. Now Marmaduke is preparing to commit suicide.

Now Marmaduke is watching Old Yeller through a shop window in the rain. Hey, Marmaduke: THE DOG DIES AT THE END.

Shit. I am way behind on my Marmaduke portmanteaus. Gotta go take a Marmadump.

Oh no. Unless my ears are liars, that’s Sam Elliott as the inscrutable “Chupadogra.”

Judy Greer just told GeorgeLopezCat to “go eat your num-nums.” They should release a director’s cut that’s just that scene.

“I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to give him the tongue.” Please, Marmaduke. This is a movie for the childish and infirm.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re big or small, or a pedigree or a mutt. We’re all just dogs.” Yes. So kindly stop speaking English.

The tomboy dog just traded her lesbian bandanna for a womanly pink bow and Marmaduke is going to fuck her in the middle of the dog park.

Marmaduke is doing the robot to “What I Like About You.” Wait for it… wait for it… FART. “MARMADUUUKE!!!”

An actual dog taking a dump > Marmaduke the comic strip > Marmaduke the movie > SATC2 > war (I believe in world peace).

Aaaaand the last line of the movie: “It never gets old.”

Yes. I’ve heard literal dog feces smeared on celluloid has quite a long shelf life. recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

20 replies on “Concessions”

  4. Ugh. Just ugh.

    (Not to the movie, or to your review, which is only “meh”, but to all of the fans who vomit exclamations of your brilliance all over these pages.)

  6. Woofy – you didn’t need Lindy’s review to see from a mile away that there is nothing about this movie worth taking the time to watch, even if it was free with included (overpriced) concessions.

  7. Marmaduke deserves to languish in that special pet hell occupied by Garfield and Stuart Little. And any other talking mammal talking picture.

  9. Waaaaiiiiitt… Marmaduke talks in the movie?
    That’s fucked up.

    And I think that maybe you forgot to mention “Marmaduke explained”

  10. I thought Marmaduke was headed to the middle east where he would tear of his burka and demand that they recognize him as a sexual being?

    I must be thinking of something else…

  11. Is Marmaduke actually a CIA operative operating under a dog alias, or a dog operating under a CIA alias … discuss.

  14. Some styles of cartooning annoy me so much that I’m completely unable to appreciate any humor they might have. “Marmaduke” is like that. (Yes, I know this is a movie review, but since the odds of my seeing it, EVER, are about a zillion to one, and opportunities to discuss “Marmaduke” are thankfully pretty rare, I thought I’d give you my unasked-for $0.02.)

  16. I’m under the impression it is actually a surfing contest FOR dogs, and that Marmaduke did not actually compete–and win–against human surfers. Am I mistaken? This is a very important distinction.

  18. SERIOUSLY?! why does the stranger have to review this one. are there that many 4 to ten year old readers? the audience for this movie doesnt give a maramdump for your opinion lindy. my four year old is psyched for this, and i’m psyched for her and you are an asshole lindy west.

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