Hola, virgins! What’s up? Are you completely freaking out? Because Twilight: Eclipse, right? This week, right? Well, I saw it. And as my esteemed old father would say from beneath his esteemed old mustache: You people should be put in a rubber room. This is what you’ve been going on about all this time? THIS? I had avoided Twilight (books and movies) up until now, because I try to avoid things that people whose taste I trust have deemed, as my dainty dear mother would say from beneath her dainty dear mustache, horsepucky. (Just kidding, Mother. Your mustache is as robust and fluffy as a spring ewe.) I have avoided Twilight as strenuously as I have avoided getting my eyeballs and ear canals close to actual horsepucky straight from the horse’s heinie-hole. But sometimes, if you are me, horsepucky is your job, and so you go see Twilight 3: Havana Nights 2 or whatever.

And could such a cultural phenomenon really be that bad? When millions of humans around the globe are weeping and buying $40 sparkly dildos and peeing a little and screaming to the heavens, “Yes! I love Stephenie Meyer’s figurative pucky and I celebrate her entire catalog and waiting until marriage to have sex with a reanimated corpse who eats people is what God wants me to do and God really pumps my ‘nads!”? Could it? Be that bad? (Rhetorical question, virgins. Shut up.)

Twilight: Eclipse is meticulously, strenuously boring. It opens in a field of wildflowers, where Bella and Edward are cuddling and murmuring about feelings like it’s their full-time job (which, as you will discover, it is). Bella and Edward murmur about feelings. Bella and Jacob murmur about feelings. Bella murmurs about feelings via awkward voice-over narration. Bella and Edward murmur about feelings again. Just when you think no one could possibly have any more feelings, Jacob murmurs to Bella about the very same feelings he just finished murmuring at her two minutes before, and she murmurs back like they didn’t just murmur this exact goddamn conversation. Then he says the words “wolf telepathy.” Then Edward tells Bella that she is a slut whose eternal soul is in jeopardy because of her insatiable horniness. Then she consents to marry him, saying, “I wanna tie myself to you in every way humanly possible.” Then feminism cuts itself. Just to feel something.

It’s no coincidence that Kristen Stewart—grounded, subtle, affecting—plays the only human in the thing. Everyone else seems borderline comatose (Jacob, for instance: actual taxidermied wolf?). Stewart is way too good for this movie and, to her credit, was recently named number 66 on the Forbes list of the most powerful celebrities. Robert Pattinson, on the other hand—a man so bland his presence barely registers on-screen, like a vampire reflected—came in at number 50. Now, I hate to see sexism lurking under every wildflower (no, wait! I love it!), but that is some fucking goddamn horsepucky right there. recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

42 replies on “Concessions”

  2. Uh, first time someone talks to me about their feelings my thought is to either bend them over and fuck them without any lube or beat them in the head.

  4. THANK you. I saw it, and then read rottentomatoes.com and thought the world went crazy. who could possbly give that a review that was *remotely* positive? Those are 3 hours of my life i will never get back. GAH.

  8. This whole franchise is just like Harry Potter to me: I’m glad it gets these idiots to read something other than Twitter, but it has no other redeeming qualities that I can find, and I’m embarrassed that it’s so damn popular. But then, the most popular channels on YouTube drive me into a murderous rage, so I guess my tastes are different than the average tweener.

  11. I knew I wasn’t the only person to think Kristen Stewart is like some kind of new-millennial Jodie Foster, but also that these movies are terrible things to point your eyeballs at for two hours!

  13. I don’t get why Kristen Stewart is considered good. She mumbles her way through every role I’ve ever seen her in. She doesn’t seem subtle and grounded, she seems robotic. Is there something I haven’t seen her in that establishes her as an actress with the emotional range of an actual human being?

  14. This review made my day. After hearing about Twilight going into the freaking public record at the Kagan hearings, I wanted to move to Canada. Thanks for restoring my faith in humanity.

  15. Vampire + Sunlight = Flames and smoke. Full moon = werewolves…only. Now where’s my mallet and wooden stake and silver bullets.

  16. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a more positive review of Stewart. She just seems like kind of a jerk, and her acting has never impressed me. Equating being famous to rape just means you’re a crazy, I don’t care if you apologize later or not.

  19. I am not a virgin so I am not going to shut up. Don’t know why Mormons and virgins have to be demonized and lumped into the trash that was this movie just because a Mormon happened to have written it. And since when was being a virgin such a crime anyway? My mistake.

    However Ms. West, I agree (mostly) with your take on this movie. I somehow found myself at the midnight showing and it depressed the crap out of me. All us idiots sitting there in the middle of the night, paying actual money for complete garbage. So so tragic.

  21. @8

    Stephanie Meyer is no JK Rowling, that’s for damn sure. For all their roughly equivalent popularity, Twilight is not in Harry Potter’s league in literary value, originality, world-building or any number of other categories.

  23. I was waiting for this movie to come out just so I can read the review on here.
    I loved the review. It summed up…some of it. I still have extra complaints about the movie, though.

  24. @8 — How dare you insult Mr. Potter? I am now off to have hot sex with him in fanfic land. That is all.

    -Severus Snape

  25. Maybe Pattinson is deliberately suppressing his acting talents — because if he were to let loose and ask, “Excuse me, but why would my character be motivated to discuss his feelings with and love what he considers to be A BAG OF MEAT?!!” If he were to ask that, there would be no paycheck.

    Sure, but it’s the same with Superman: The guy is a superior advanced alien from another galaxy. To him, Lois Lane probably smells like a monkey or something.

  26. After weeks of eager anticpation, I camped out in the street for four days in the hope of getting a glimpse of this review and here it is and it’s everything I dreamed it would be. You totally crack me up every time. This and the Sex & The City reviews are works of art in their own right. And thank you for saying nice things about Kristen Stewart, who’s clearly a perfectly nice young lady and an entirely convincing actress (c.f Into the Wild, where she doesn’t have to struggle with in unwieldy wig and a silly story). Thank you for making me laugh.

  27. @ 25 – Pattinson has said he finds the books to be ridiculous and creepy, although not for that reason:

    “When I read it I was convinced Stephenie was convinced she was Bella and it was like it was a book that wasn’t supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like, ‘Oh I’ve had this dream about this really sexy guy,’ and she just writes this book about it. Like some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced, like, ‘This woman is mad. She’s completely mad and she’s in love with her own fictional creation.’ And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing.”

  28. I have heard of these sparkly freezer dildos that are en vogue now. Did Mr. Pattinson provide the cock mold for the dildos?

  29. I have 6 IMAX 3D tickets to this show and I’ll be giving them away (Pacific Science Center Platinum Pass rocks, BTW). We saw it was coming out and in preparation, my lovely wife and I tried to watch the first movie. We were both bored and horrified, which, I’ll admit, is an odd combination of reactions, but was the case, nonetheless.

    I have never seen Kristen Stewart acting like anyone other than Kristen Stewart. She couldn’t even pull off the kiss with Dakota Fanning in The Runaways. If you can’t make me believe that you want to make out with Dakota Fanning in a roller-skating rink, you are not an actor. The end.

  30. I’ve discovered that it’s nearly impossible for me to discuss Stephanie Meyer’s vampire mythos without accidentally using the phrase “real vampires”. I can say, though, that after having read as much as I could stand of Twilight, that she is a bad author. She overuses adverbs in a way that should be embarrassing, and her sentence structure is just downright awkward. It’s like it was written by a twelve year old. To be fair, that IS her target demographic, though I should also point out that the book is popular with basically every age group (which is pretty depressing).

    Also, Taylor Lautner looks like a white guy with a tan. I’m not sure how I feel about that, honestly – he’s basically not native at all, but he’s also not a walking stereotype. We’ll call that one a wash.

  32. Twilight is popular because the human race is 75% suckers. I don’t mean suckers as in bloodsuckers, I don’t mean suckers as in lollypops, I just mean stuck-on-stupid-stop-on-the-interstate-to-stare-at-the-car-wreck moronic C*cksuckers… and not in a good way. These suckers do not need to suspend their disbelief when faced with the prospect of sparkly vampires who seem to be composed out of granite and yet have a heart made out of grape flavored chewing gum, but they love the completely unrealistic fantasy element of a guy or a girl that wants to wait until marriage to get their parts all sticky. People from all walks of live and belief systems make that horrendous mistake all the time… they’re called chumps, and they most possibly make up the remaining 25% of the population.

  33. @32
    that figure is more at 85% for suckers. and then there’s the 10% who know how to manipulate the 85% for their own gains.

    then there’s the 5% who know what the 10% are up to and are trying to inform the 85%, but it’s all falling on deaf ears.

  35. Twilight = cultural and literary fail.

    I agreed with every point of this article, except for the last paragraph. How can you possibly call Kristen Stewart “WAY TO GOOD FOR THIS MOVIE”?! She plays the same role in every movie she’s in – the muttering awkward girl who can neither show real happiness or sadness besides sulking. In the books, Bella is supposed to be MADLY in love with Edward. Kristen Stewart seems to have more interest in staring out windows and biting her lip so much that perhaps Rob Pattinson will keep his lips off hers. And she’s dating the guy in real life! That’s absolutely pathetic, not grounded, subtle and affecting.

  36. Twilight = cultural and literary fail.

    I agreed with every point of this article, except for the last paragraph. How can you possibly call Kristen Stewart “WAY TO GOOD FOR THIS MOVIE”?! She plays the same role in every movie she’s in – the muttering awkward girl who can neither show real happiness or sadness besides sulking. In the books, Bella is supposed to be MADLY in love with Edward. Kristen Stewart seems to have more interest in staring out windows and biting her lip so much that perhaps Rob Pattinson will keep his lips off hers. And she’s dating the guy in real life! That’s absolutely pathetic, not grounded, subtle and affecting.

  37. Substitute the word vampire for Mormon in Twilight book or film. Trust me, I used to be a Mormon….
    I’m a mormon, we are very secretive about what we do.
    I’m a Mormon, we can live forever (eternity)
    I’m a Mormon, I want to suck you blood.

  38. Disclaimer:

    Yes, I went to see Twilight. Only because I was interested in the cult phenomenon that it is. I’m one of those people who’s really interested in pop culture. It fascinates me to try and figure out why some things are so popular and why some things aren’t. My current obsession: Twilight. Why is the public so fascinated with this story? What does it say about us as a culture?

    Reading the books for my young adult fiction class and writing a 25 page paper on it was like pulling teeth. And my only question is; how has such a mediocre book series become such a cultural sensation?

    Lindy, firstly, I always enjoy your reviews. They brighten my dreary mornings.

    Some comments:

    “And could such a cultural phenomenon really be that bad?”

    I ask myself this everyday. It’s one of life’s big mysteries, like those creepy crop circles or like, the existance of God or something.

    “Twilight: Eclipse is meticulously, strenuously boring. It opens in a field of wildflowers, where Bella and Edward are cuddling and murmuring about feelings like it’s their full-time job (which, as you will discover, it is). Bella and Edward murmur about feelings. Bella and Jacob murmur about feelings. Bella murmurs about feelings via awkward voice-over narration. Bella and Edward murmur about feelings again. Just when you think no one could possibly have any more feelings, Jacob murmurs to Bella about the very same feelings he just finished murmuring at her two minutes before, and she murmurs back like they didn’t just murmur this exact goddamn conversation. Then he says the words “wolf telepathy.”“

    ROTFL!

    “Then feminism cuts itself. Just to feel something.”

    My issues with Twlight are all across the board, but you nailed it on the head here. Bella is one of the most anti-feminist “characters” I’ve had the displeasure of meeting in popular culture in a long time. She’s so incredibly selfish, moronic, and boring it’s almost amusing.

    “It’s no coincidence that Kristen Stewart—grounded, subtle, affecting—plays the only human in the thing. Everyone else seems borderline comatose (Jacob, for instance: actual taxidermied wolf?).”

    Now this is where I disagree. While I agree Kristen has talent and potential, I think it’s a bit harsh and sort of tasteless to criticize Taylor Lautner’s performance. The kid’s only, like, 17. Give him a break! Sure, he has a long way to go before his acting is no longer cringe-worthy, but any kid who had the determination and discipline to gain the 50 pounds of muscle he needed to for this role deserves anyone’s respect, definitely mine anyway. Hell, the kid had to carry around bags of meat and eat them at 2 hour intervals for months. I’m sure that didn’t do much for his dating life.

    Plus, he’s disturbingly attractive. That’s probobly the aspect that kept me awake during the film, honestly.

    Also, I think the actors did the best with what they were given – boring characters void of personality. (It’s interesting that Jacob, a 17 year old kid, has more personality than Edward, a hundreds year old sophisticate. Just sayin’)

  39. I was with you until you said Stewart was “too good” for this movie. She’s awful! She’s just as terrible as the rest!
    I think you were hypnotized by whatever magic she’s enthralled the vampires and wolves with.
    Snap out of it!

  40. @15: I hate Twilight as much as the next English Major, but sad to say, she got that one right. In the original celtic and norse lore, werewolves could transform at will; it was only beyond their control on the full moon. The only-on-the-full-moon werewolf is a modern cinematic construction. Still, VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE!! Do you hear that low rumbling? Yeah, that’s Bram Stoker spinning in his grave.

  41. Being a Mormon, I guess this tripe kinda passes for eroticism. Being a Mormon convert, I’m pretty sure it passes for art, intellect, robust debate, and spiritual growth–an example of sticking to your principles in spite of all the evil of the world constantly compelling you to make it with someone that couldn’t get into Heaven. Being from the exceeding other side of the tracks before my conversion, I can tell you it’s nothing more than a way for Mormon girls to feel like they aren’t wasting their imaginations on popular trash, while inviting advances from nogoodnicks generally. Duh.

    Herb Erb. The Wild Mormon.

  42. The incessant use of “murmuring,” “muttering’ and “mumbling” was, even above the overt patriarchal Mormon crap, what drove me the most insane about the damn books.
    Get a Thesaurus, Meyers!

    That said, I’d still get all kinds of cougar on that Lautner jailbait.

Comments are closed.