I made Annie Wagner wait for me on the sidewalk outside the
Northwest Film Forum Holiday Party. I felt uncomfortable. I
don’t know any of these film people. I didn’t know what I would talk to
them about—unless the fancy film people want to talk about that
part in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry when Larry drops
the soap in the firehouse shower. Or in Alvin and the Chipmunks when Simon eats a piece of Theodore’s poop. Or John Goodman (OMG, heart!). I had a feeling they didn’t.
Inside, our first stop was the eggnog contest. I was looking forward
to voting on the eggnogs—participating in some good
old-fashioned eggnog democracy. I was informed that King Eggnog had
already been crowned, by a vote of one. A vote of Santa (this year,
played by local film critic Lester Gray). Santa was the only one who
got to vote in the eggnog contest? BULLSHIT. Thanks for
disenfranchising me, fancy film people! I purchased a cup of the
winning eggnog, which was frothy, creamy, and reportedly contained more
eggs than all the other nogs. Also, rum.
Northwest Film Forum director Michael Seiwerath seemed sad that I had chosen the winning nog instead of his Northwest Film Forum
signature nog. “There’s soy eggnog, too,” he said. “But it’s kind of
gross. I made it.”
I was introduced to Guerren Marter from the Grand Illusion, who told
me that the Grand Illusion has the very best late nights in
town, that they no longer have a hole in the roof, and that they do
not sell pickle-flavored popsicles. Then a man in a black
bodysuit (not an invisibility suit, by the way! I can totally see you!)
put a stuffed elf really close to our faces and said, creepily, “Hi,
I’m Jimmy the Elf. You should get your picture taken with Santa.” We
didn’t. Later, Walking to Werner filmmaker Linas Phillips “arrived” at the party with suspiciously flat hair.
After crushing the entire world in a game of back-alley dreidel
(just TRY to out-dreidel me, Jews!), I found myself in a conversation
with Cthulhu director Daniel Gildark. Someone had
recently watched The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Gildark said
he had read the book, and found it insubstantial, or something. “I saw
Alvin and the Chipmunks!” I yelled. I told them about Theodore’s
poop. They laughed.
This fancy film party was a success. 
