Let’s just jump right into it, shall we? It’s 2008—pre–financial crisis. Deposed goblin king Gordon Gekko (actual goblin king Michael Douglas) is out of prison, trying to warn Wall Street about the coming collapse, and looking to get his claws on some doubloons and such. Young, elfin proprietary trader Jacob “Jake” Moore (Shia LaBeouf, more of a hobbit, really) is engaged to Gordon’s daughter, Winnie (Carey Mulligan, all shall love her and despair). Winnie hates her dad because she saw Wall Street 1 and he’s a real dick in that movie. Jake secretly starts hangin’ with Gordon because he wants to get his hands on some goblin gold of his own. Nobody listens to the goblin king, so the economy breaks. Then Frank Langella steps in front of a train.
“O goblin king, O goblin king,” says Jake. “Can you please help me get revenge on evil banker Josh Brolin for driving Frank Langella, who was my mentor but I forgot to mention it in the first paragraph, to suicide?” “Sure, whatever,” says Gordon. “Let’s do this. And while I’m at it, perhaps I can long-con some credulous dumbasses into giving me all their goblin gold, as is my wont.” “Deal,” says Jake, and they slice their forearms and become blood brothers (just kidding—everyone knows that goblin and hobbit blood create a corrosive gas when mingled). And thus begins a real tedious piece of shit.
Has anyone ever told Oliver Stone to shut up? I mean, like, ever? Even once? Because there is a serious lack of a filter here. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is 133 minutes of typical silly Stone machismo: a Charlie Sheen cameo here, a corny Ducati race there, stupid juiced-up dialogue like “You should look in the mirror. See yourself. Might scare you.” The story arc isn’t an arc so much as it is a gloppy smear of oatmeal on a dirty countertop. It has no forward momentum and about 12 false endings. It isn’t about anything. Characters amble through high-rise offices and penthouse apartments and look woebegone, from time to time yelling inscrutable words like “credit derivative!” and “socialism!” and “nooooooo!” Sometimes, Frank Langella’s ghost (actual ghost) appears in the sky, all sepia and judgmental from beyond the grave.
Often, the film feels more like a lecture than a narrative—minus the one thing that makes a lecture useful: actual information. You won’t learn what forces led to the current financial crisis from Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, but you will discover that it had something to do with a domino effect—because Stone frequently interrupts his film to show an animated sequence of literal dominos falling and knocking down other dominos. Get it? DOMINO EFFECT. Thank god you were here, Oliver Stone. 
Thanks Lindy. You get to see the movies we have no intention of ever seeing. Ever.
I agree with @1.
You watch it so we don’t have to suffer.
Really? Dominoes? That’s even more terrible than I imagined, and I thought I was imagining the worst.
Money Never Sleeps sounds more like the title of the next 50 Cent album.
Bummer. I liked the original Wall Street. I was hoping this would be good, or at least decent.
Lindy, do you actually like any movies? I find your takedowns of bad movies entertaining, but I sometimes wonder if you trash everything.
Thank you, Lindy.
Subtlety and Oliver Stone are not acquainted, but if he’s resorting to such literal visuals as falling dominoes, it’s high time someone took his Oscar away.
@5, I feel like I saw a movie review of a movie Lindy liked. I mean, she still snarked and pointed out the movie’s flaws, but I thought in the end she liked it. I’ll have to go through the archives to remember which movie, though.
I know she loved the Cheap Trick Live at Budakon movie.
@5, Here, I think she liked Knight and Day
She also liked Get him to the Greek, Babies and The Eclipse.
There. Now that’s enough Lindy stalking for one day.
It’s not Lindy’s fault that they keep forcing her to watch terrible movies. After reading financial blogger Bess Levin’s scathing take-down of this film, I suspect that Lindy actually went easy on this one.
My partner is chomping at the bit to see this movie. He loved the first Wall Street, so he’s anxious to see the sequel.
And, like Lindy, I too will be forced to sit through this movie (frankly, I just have no interest in movies that glamorize greed and screwing over the common dude for millions and millions so someone can buy that luxury apartment worth 5 million in NYC and eat fish eggs by candle light with a Daryl Hannah clone). Then again, maybe it’s the foul taste in my mouth from the first Wall Street that has caused my preconceived notions regarding the sequel.
Regardless, thanks for the heads-up, Lindy. I might use the opportunity to catch up on my sleep, while sitting in the movie theater.
Wait, why are so many people surprised this movie is awful? It has Shia LaBeouf in a starring role, doesn’t it? What more do you need to know? Anything he’s ever starred in has been garbage, so why would you assume this to be any different?
I thought people have been telling O Stone to shut up for years (or were they just laughing at him?). At least JFK was well-filmed tripe.
I thought people have been telling O Stone to shut up for years (or were they just laughing at him?). At least JFK was well-filmed tripe.
This is the first time I’ve found out Shia LaBeouf is a man. I always thought it was a female name. In any case, I wasn’t planning to go to this movie anyway (though I really liked the first one).
Thank you Lindy for your always totally funny and right on reviews.
@5: Apparently, she likes that owl movie.
“The story arc isn’t an arc so much as it is a gloppy smear of oatmeal on a dirty countertop.”
Lindy West, you wrote this whole review while eating breakfast, didn’t you. I’m on to you.