Concessions

Sooo, ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. You guys have probably noticed that as of 2010 I am an incredibly big deal. People follow me on Twitter in England, okay? Heard of it? (Me neither, but it turns out Wikipedia has a whole page!) And, you know, my new life is pretty different. Like, I don’t talk to my mom anymore, because I bought a new mom. (She’s not as good as the old one—for instance, I don’t love her—but she was more expensive!) I put my pants on both legs at a time now. Also, I got this elephant for my room.

That’s why it’s hard for me to regret anything I’ve seen this year—because regrettable movies are my bread, butter, and fortified-alfalfa elephant feed, as the saying goes. HOWEVER, much like my Viking ancestors (Snorri Sturluson prophesied that the great she-camel Sarah Jessica Parker would someday boil the seas and rend a hole in the heavens with her woe-begetting doom-hump), I am still a totally ungrateful jerk filled with hate! So here’s a chronological list of the shit I saw this year that LITERALLY KILLED ME.

Leap Year: So janky and cut-rate it gave me lead poisoning (and SARS!). • Valentine’s Day: Turned me into a feral mountain woman who must destroy anything beautiful with my teeth. • Remember Me: The only good thing about this movie is 9/11. • Sex and the City 2: Sewed my vagina shut, etc., etc., etc. • Marmaduke: Got rabies and had to mercy-kill myself. • The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: “Then feminism cuts itself, just to feel something.” • Salt: Impaled on Angelina Jolie’s clavicle. • Eat Pray Love: It’s a Julia Roberts’s mouth the size of the Chrysler Building. • Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: It’s a Michael Douglas’s jowls the size of my existential despair. • Unstoppable: It’s an existential despair the size of Julia Roberts’s mouth. Siiiiigh.