Holy shit, patriots! Look at the sky! This sunny week is the week of
America’s birthday. This is the week to take off your clothes and go outside. This is not the week to spend hours in dark
air-conditioned movie theaters, stinking of hot butter and corn-based
miscellanea. If you must watch something, here are some
patriotic videos, hand-selected by me and all less than 10 minutes
long, to get you in the mood for Fourth of July frolicking.
Also, fuck the British.
1. “artist paints in 2 1/2 minutes
patriotic
amazing”
www.youtube.com/watch?v=P93WjP8m3GM
I do not totally understand what is so “amazing” about this video,
in which an “artist” “paints” a “painting” of the Statue of Liberty’s
head. But it is the first thing that comes up on a YouTube
search for “patriotic,” so it must be the number-one most patriotic
video in all of the internet.
2. “Stars and Stripes Forever by John Philip Sousa 1896”
www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PXpOZqpsCE
Check it out! A seizure-inducing vomit parade of patriotic clip-art
set to a beep-boop-boop MIDI anthem! The best part is the seemingly
random collection of words crawling across the screen, which someone
apparently thinks are America-related: “CLASSIFIED,” “CONFIDENTIAL,”
“ARMY,” and, my favorite, “DO’S & DON’TS.”
3. “Mr. Show—Founding Fathers”
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZI0hvm10AHo
The founding fathers brainstorm how to prevent protestors from
shitting on the flag: “Gentlemen, who would shit on a flag made of
shit? It would be an empty gesture!”
4. “Tribute to Our Veterans”
www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-JdgHtrHvE
This is the creepiest shit I have ever seen, for reals—and
I’ve seen Meg Ryan’s face live. Someone took a photograph of the
Three Servicemen Vietnam War statue and animated their eyeballs and
faces to make them sing “God Bless America.” Because what better way to
honor our fallen soldiers than by turning them into trained
vaudevillian zombies? This dude also made another video in which Mount
Rushmore performs “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.”
5. “Eagle vs. Sea Snake”
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xf240LcsPno
It isn’t an all-American bald eagle. It’s a white-bellied sea eagle
hunting an aquatic snake in the South China Sea. But the YouTube
commenters bring it back to Uncle Sam, with observations
like—seriously—”eagle = USA, snake = Muslims.” Runners-up:
“the snake die because of the eagle claw very sharp anyway its all good
the snake got owned hahaha” and “I hate snake thats the worst animal I
ever seen.” Snakes suck. America rulz! 
