Talking-dog paean Beverly Hills Chihuahua came out looking
precisely like the worst movie ever crafted by the hand of man. I tried
to ignore it. I tried hard. But now, two weeks later, the thing
is still holding strong as the number-one movie in America. Fifty-two.
And a half. Million. Dollars. America has spoken: America loves animals
that can speak English.

Wondering what’s so fucking great about talking dogs, I decided to
take a poorly researched and wildly biased look back at their cinematic
history.

The Adventures of Milo and Otis (1989)

In 1989, with The Adventures of Milo and Otis, Dudley Moore
revealed himself as the world’s foremost animal
translator—interpreting and voicing the film’s menagerie of
household beasts. Unfortunately, Dudley Moore is dead now. This is
basically the adorable movie version of
shake-the-jar-and-make-’em-fight, only “’em” in this case refers to
puppies and kittens instead of a spider and 100 ants. It was filmed in
Japan, which I guess explains why there are, like, crazy lobsters just
walking around everywhere. The lobsters fight with the kitten.
Sometimes bears present a menace. This is the most important, and
cutest, talking-
animals-in-peril movie of all time until 1993.

Homeward Bound: The Incredible
Journey (1993)

Hello, 1993! Along comes Homeward Bound, wherein two dogs and
a cat travel through the wilderness, communicating with the audience
and each other via magic telepathy. Fleeing from a hilarious turkey,
the pets (voiced by Michael J. Fox, Don Ameche [dead!], and Sally
Field) eventually “wake up and smell the kibble.”

Look Who’s Talking Now (1993)

Who’s talking now? Dogs, that’s who! Also, John
Travolta—still, unfortunately, talking.

101 Dalmatians (1996)

Okay, you know what is gross? The idea of one dog giving birth to 99
BABIES. Imagine it. They just keep coming out and coming out… all
slimy and everything? What kind of alien gunk got up in Pongo’s dog
sperm? Anyway, I didn’t actually watch this, so I don’t know if these
dogs talk or not. But if they do, I bet it’s gross.

Cats & Dogs (2001)

Cats & Dogs marks the first film ever (not at all
verified) in which computers are used to animate a dog’s
face—moving beyond the more traditional methods of telepathy and
Mr. Ed–style peanut-butter mouth. This movie—about a
great race war between cats and dogs, in which a beagle takes on “the
ultimate mission im-paws-ible”—is fucked.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008)

Are you even listening to me? Go home. recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

11 replies on “Concessions”

  1. The only thing to come out of any of these movies that was remotely entertaining was when the cat fell in the river (and off the giant waterfall) in Homeward Bound. I was like 7-years-old when I saw it, so maybe it isn’t as funny as it was way back then…in 1993. Oh my God I’m old.

  2. Oh my, alien dog sperm? Actually, the majority of the 99 puppies do not hail from Perdita’s (Pongo’s babymama) womb. Most of them were other puppies stolen by Cruella from pet stores, et cetera, and Pongo et. al merely rescue and adopt them.

  5. how in the name of all that is disney have you not seen 101 dalmations?!! i demand as a concerned reader that you rent it TODAY! and for dog sakes please watch the original animated version and not the god awful Glenn Close one.

  7. @Inness and suckit:
    I know! It’s totally weird–101 Dalmations (orig) was my favorite movie when I was a kid, but I had some kind of brain lapse when I wrote this column. I remembered about the mass puppy adoption about 2 seconds before it went to press. Oops. My point stands, though: It WOULD be gross if one dog gave birth to 99 puppies. Let’s try to keep that from ever happening, shall we?

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