In case you missed it (my heartiest congratulations), here is a complete chronological recap of this year’s Academy Awards or, as I like to call it, Hollywood Gets One of Its Ribs Removed So It Can Suck Its Own Dick for Three Hours: The Movie.

First, beautiful movie stars James Franco and Anne Hathaway take the stage and gaze languidly at themselves in an ornate, gilded mirror for 20 minutes while the audience, which is also full of movie stars, applauds. The movie stars smile inwardly and applaud a little harder to congratulate themselves on their own graciousness. Then, Franco and Hathaway are interrupted by Kirk Douglas, who surprises everyone by still being alive even though he is literally 475 years old. Some of the younger movie stars, who don’t know who Kirk Douglas is, make whispered fun of his palsied speech, at which point Tom Hanks leans over and explains that the man is a national treasure who suffered a stroke around the close of the Revolutionary War. At this juncture, one of the “edgier” stars in the audience (Josh Brolin) quips, “Was it a stroke of genius? Because this guy is hilarious!” and the more callous ones within earshot (Natalie Portman) laugh while others (Justin Timberlake) can only stare shamefacedly at their hands. Douglas shuffles offstage in search of apple juice. Next, a woman who worked on the movie Alice in Wonderland earnestly praises “Johnny’s incandescent Hatter.” Later, in private with her lover, she will deny that she was referring euphemistically to Johnny Depp’s luminous yet whimsical French penis. She will be lying. Suddenly, a grizzled, unkempt woman (who has not been a movie star for nearly as long as the other movie stars) barrels onstage and, driven to madness by the incredible bigness of Hollywood’s movie star masturbation cathedral, screams the “fuck” word in the face of all the other real movie stars. The real movie stars clutch at one another’s knees and share knowing, embarrassed, but charitable sidelong glances about their country cousin. Then, someone realizes that there hasn’t been a single black person yet in the entire ceremony, so they show some video footage that contains a black person. The movie stars applaud themselves for not being racist. Next, a large rubber balloon overinflated with gravy steam and calling itself “Randy Newman” farts a few verses of a song about friendship. The movie stars smell the farts and are glad. Russell Brand and Helen Mirren present the award for best British person to a British person. Then, a dark sorcerer forces the reanimated corpse of Bob Hope to pronounce the words “Robert Downey Jr.” Human kazoo Gwyneth Paltrow performs a strange sort of prolonged, atonal wheeze, causing the crowd of movie stars to weep as they passionately rub large chunks of gold in concentric circles against their genitals.

It truly was a magical night. recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

21 replies on “Concessions”

  5. Too bad, you missed the kids at the end. They were good.

    I had hoped Randy Newman had died, but he was there hawking his popcorn and salad dressing.

  7. HA!

    Christ, my culture bores me to fucking tears at this point. “Look at the people who all look the same pretending to be different people who all look the same, oooh, they are all so pretty-as-defined-by-looking-like-actors, they must be very important!”

  8. Oy – the kids at the end was the ultra sugary cherry on top of the already saccharin awards show.

    It was painfully obvious that the Academy was trying to “appeal” to a younger audience, by having Franco and Hathaway host. A BAD idea. Keep the Oscar’s what they are – an awards show dedicated to the people who have made acting their life-long craft.

    Instead of lowering the Oscar standard to appeal to the kids who weren’t even born when Douglas was working, give the kids something to aspire to.

  11. You left out the only mildly amusing part of the evening: the Gregory Bros’ autotuned ode to Taylor Lautner’s chest.

  12. Anne Hathaway looked like a 58 year old woman, using a lot of makeup, dieting and surgery to make herself look like a 28 year old woman.

    But…she actually is 28!

    James Franco was dressed up like a Kewpie doll.

    That side of the Oscar’s equation never changes…

  13. @5 Newman’s Own salad dressing is (was) Paul Newman, not Randy Newman.

    I’m sorry if you meant that as a joke. Actually, YOU’RE sorry if you meant that as a joke.

  18. Perfect summation, Lindy! Thank god I had it on TIVO, so I could watch the whole 3.5 hour tedious, embarrassing mess in less than an hour.
    Franko was wood, Hathaway was overcompensating, but look at the block she co-hosted with. Gotta give her an A for trying.
    I, too, was surprised to see the animated corpse that was Kirk Douglas. Despite the embarrassment, he was probably the most entertainment of the evening.

  19. When I grow up, I want to write just like Lindy West. The fact that she is practically 30 years younger than me does not discourage my dream.

  20. “Movie star masturbation cathedral” – that one had me rolling on the floor! By the way, have you noticed that Kirk and Michael Douglas are approaching the point where they could pass as twins?

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