Over the course of my medium-length life, I have wanted many things. Pizza, for instance (right now). And the widest bell-bottoms possible (7th grade). And a “beading loom” (you were right, Mom). And world peace (psych, I’m totally a war profiteer!). But never, ever have I wanted anything as much as I want to reveal the ending of The Beaver to you in this column right now. Uuuuuugh, life is HARD. Now I know how Precious from the movie Precious feels!
The Beaver—in case you’ve missed the past year of pop culture because you’re, I don’t know, the Helen Keller of baby oysters—is supposed to be Mel Gibson’s big “comeback” movie, in which he “proves” that he’s “not” crazy by “pretending” to be an alcoholic who thinks his arm is a beaver. Specifically, Gibson plays Walter, a family man and toy-company CEO whose life unravels after he plunges into a deep and sticky depression. While at a Dumpster throwing away his memories (he needs the trunk space for more vodka), Walter spies a disgusting garbage-beaver and promptly sticks his arm up it. The garbage-beaver promptly takes over Walter’s life.
The Beaver should be commended, at certain moments, for its unromantic, nonsensationalized grasp of mental illness—that people’s brains really do turn on them, people really do behave in fucking outlandish ways beyond their control, and other people really do still love those people. That said, The Beaver is, at best, a boring and rather uncreative study of White Male American Malaise (did you know that depression is “a black hole”? And that graffiti is “like art, just illegal”?). At worst, it’s an unintentionally hilarious failure.
Now. The ending. In keeping with The Chicago Manual of Style, I have opted to disguise the spoiler in the form of a centaur chief giving a motivational speech to his battalion of centaur troops who are under siege by a wizard and forced to survive on oats and hay like common beast-horses. Just take the first letter of every word, string them together, and you’ll find out the secret ending of The Beaver starring Mel Gibson!
Hello, Eager Centaurs. Understand, This Siege Has Ignobly Sullied Our Warlike Nature. Aaaaaaaahhh! Really!? Munching Oats For Food? What?! It’s Truly Humiliating. A Folly Unprecedented. Cats, Kings, Imps, Newts! Great Shame. All Weep.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT!? AAAAAHAAAHAHAAHAAHAHAHA!!! And then… and then he gets his family back. Ha-ha. SERIOUSLY. Now, I know times are tough for you right now, Real Mel Gibson, but please don’t get any ideas. Also, chin up, centaurs. You too, Precious. Peace (psych). 
Editor to reporter: “Mel Gibson Licks Beaver”: That’s not news! However….
This is the best thing that’s happened to me all week, and I even got to have sex two days ago.
This is the best thing that’s happened to me all week, and I had sex on Monday.
What, I’m not allowed to brag a little?
great now i feel stupid, thanks a lot, internet.
**SPOILER ALERT FOR DYSLEXICS***
Was Gnikcuf a htiw ffo mra nwo sih stuc eh?
That is the most amazing way to reveal an ending to a movie!
oh my god, lindy. this is gold. you’ve outdone yourself once again!
This is the most amazing thing I’ve heard all week!
(And I heard Asher had sex on Monday too..)
Another great review from Lindy! I am honestly so freaking sick of movies about how hard it is to be a white guy, but luckily they have a lady by their side to help them through it. It’s the plot of, like, every single. fucking. movie. made. today. Fuck Hollywood.
NO FUCKING WAY! Really?? Don’t tease me! I never have sex and I never will again. This is all I live for – does he really do that??
If it’s true I am going to be first in line.
This is so much better than the sex I had with asher on Monday!
sad face. I don’t get it.
This is the best thing all week, and I had sex with asher three times.
Asher! Asher! Rah rah rah!
(That’s SO much more interesting than the silly movie!)
Eh, I went to a free preview of it the other night and it was fairly enjoyable. It’s not a terrible movie thus doesn’t seem worthy of Lindy’s endless bag o’ jokes. But it fell apart towards the end (and not because of the spoiler Lindy revealed) and the side story with the son and girl basically stays flat.
How can you diss a movie that has a brief cameo by Terry Gross?
In hindsight though, not much happens in this movie.
Also, was the beaver already in the dumpster as Lindy implies or was it part of what he tossed out? I was under the impression it was an item from his past (and thus had some meaning to him).
god.. i’d see this if he chews his arm off at the end..i’d totally pay to see him do that.
Best review evAR.
Wait a second. Is this movie ripping off the Conky episodes of the Trailer Park Boys?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuNPrYXNz…
You fucking need to be on Ebert’s new show.
Gee Beav, cut it out.
spoiler alert he cuts his arm off with a saw. i don’t know what centaurs and imps have to do with anything.
I armed myself with this information for fucking Asher on Monday when I saw “The Beaver.” I tried to tell Asher during the refractory periods but he cut me off.
This needs to be the officially sanctioned method for spoiler revelation in all movie reviews by all critics.
I heart Centaur Spoilers ™. That is all.
Sesame Street meets Aaron Ralston. Gross.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Once again, Lindy, I love you.
ps I was rooting for the Wizards.
Fuck centaurs.
I’d pay 10 bucks to watch Mel-the-Shit saw his arm off, but only if it was real. Thanks again for laugh, Lindy.
I hope the last scene is him taking his reunited family rock climbing or surfing.
EYE LUFF EWE, LINDEEEEE!!
I don’t know what I liked better, the reveal or the phrase “the Helen Keller of baby oysters.” Both are PFG.
Lindy’s writing is the tastiest thing on the intermet, and congratulations to Asher.
Can somebody explain “Signs” to me in the form of a Centaur story? Cuz I can’t stand to watch it again. I did not have sex on Monday. I may have had sex on A Monday. But maybe not.
The Beaver Plot Summary: Mel Gibson goes crazy, sticks his hand in a beaver. Jodie Forster first loves Mel’s Beaver, but then starts to hate Mel’s beaver. Jodie shows Mel her box, wants Mel to choose her box over his beaver. Mel, seeing Jodie’s box flips out, wants to stay with his beaver. More stuff happens, eventually Mel hates his beaver and love Jodie’s box, family is saved, the end.
Thanks for saving me a few bucks, Lindy! You’re the best.
So hang on… an actual beaver? A primarily nocturnal, large, semi-aquatic rodent of the genus Castor? Stuck to his arm? For the entire movie?
I don’t see how that can be spoiled, because it doesn’t make any sense to me. 🙁
I will cut this beaver off my arm…
but you will blow me first.
Actually, the spoiler would have been cooler if the beaver had been attached to Mad Mel’s head instead of his arm.
I will cut this beaver off my arm…
but you will blow me first.
Actually, the spoiler would have been cooler if the beaver had been attached to Mad Mel’s head instead of his arm.
Oh, and great review as always Lindy! The Helen Keller of baby oysters… win!
Yeah, my husband took me to this thinking it would be unintentionally hilarious. It was actually just boring.