So, I watched the new Transformers. And before you start
yelling all in my face about how I’m not qualified because I’m not some
massive Transformers aficionado who knows the names and
space-genealogies of all 4,000 robots that explode in this movie and
I’m ruining your life just by allowing Michael Bay’s greatness
to bounce around upon my stupid, bitchy, blasphemous rods and cones,
kindly absorb the following: (1) I’m in charge here—I watch what
I want. (2) What do you care? You’re going to see it anyway. (3) I
liked it. Calm down—I liked it.
Honestly, I have no problem with Transformers: Revenge of the
Fallen. It is exactly what it’s supposed to be: a movie based on a
line of plastic dolls, in which trucks turn into robots and vice versa
and shit blows up for 150 minutes and sometimes Megan Fox’s boobs do
things in slow motion. Mission fucking accomplished. This might be the
only film franchise for which Michael Bay is absolutely,
preternaturally suited. I am not even mad.
Now. As a young child, I owned several Transformers action figures
and I enjoyed their company very much (more than I liked my G.I. Joes,
but not as much as I liked my He-Man with the rotating battle-scar
chest plate). I definitely had Optimus Prime, and I also had something
that was I think purple and turned into some sort of bug. Or a crab.
Or, wait, maybe a lion. Clearly my Transformers knowledge and
enthusiasm have waned in the intervening years. Therefore, nerds, since
I can’t tell you anything useful about Transformers: Revenge
of the Fallen (short review: If you think you might like it, you
will), I’m hoping maybe you can help me out instead. For I
have some questions!
1. As for the plot: Okay, so Megatron is mad at that other one
because of the thing in the last movie, but he’s in the ocean so it’s
cool. But then also there’s the other other one—he’s got the
metal beard and he was around in ancient times—who’s just been
living out in space and wants revenge!!! Shia LaBeouf, the human, he’s
got a piece of that magic thingy from before (“Kaela, I think a sliver
of the Cube got stuck on my shirt!”), and when he touched it, it went
in his brains, and now Megatron needs his brains to help the space one
with the revenge! Because Megatron’s out of the ocean now! Out of the
ocean and he waaaaaants braaaaaains! Is that about right? Did I miss
anything important?
2. What makes some Transformers better at fighting than other ones?
It seems so arbitrary! Sometimes a Transformer will punch another
Transformer in the face and something akin to teeth will fly out, and
then the punchee will be all fizzle-fizzle-pow-DEAD, and the puncher
will go, “Damn, I’m good.” But then other times, a Transformer will
shoot another one right in its sensitive parts, and it’ll just keep
running around breaking shit. What makes a robot win a fight? They
don’t even have powers! It’s so hard to keep track.
3. Can I get an action figure of Sam Witwicky’s mom? That lady is
hilarious.
4. Are you so mad at Obama right now? He totally fucks up in
this movie. For some reason, when the Decepticons attack, “the
president” (OBAMZ!) immediately fires the Autobots and sends them back
to their hangar for a quiet sit-down. Because that’s probably what we’d
do if we ever were attacked by giant robots from space: send our
OWN army of robots from space TO THEIR ROOMS as quickly as possible, so
that Josh Duhamel and his army of tiny, squishy human man-soldiers can
go head-to-head with those gigantic evil things from space who are MADE
OF GUNS. Makes perfect sense, Obama. Dick.
5. Remember after the first Transformers movie, when people
were all obsessed with how awkwardly racist Michael Bay was, regarding
Jazz, the wisecracking “black” Autobot who died almost immediately?
Don’t you think it’s weird that Bay decided to just forge ahead with
T:ROTF? He opens the film with mud-covered, early-man, snarling
black people hunting a mighty tiger and upgrades Jazz to a pair of
jive-talkin’, gold-tooth-havin’,
unbelievably annoying “black”
twin-bots named Mudflap and Skids (ew). “Naw, we don’t really do much
readin’. Not so much,” says either Mudflap or Skids (doesn’t matter).
Oh, Bay. You’ve done it again.
6. What do robots do on their off days? Like, for example,
Devastator, who shows up toward the end to rip the Egyptian pyramids
apart and find the great big Decepticon weapon concealed within (and by
the way, human archaeologists—really never noticed that giant
alien gun just kickin’ it in there waiting to blow up the sun?). What
does Devastator DO the other 364 days of the year? Does he sit around a
human construction site, like, being seven trucks? Does he sit around
in space being seven trucks? It just doesn’t make sense.
7. At one point, Tyrese looks up at Optimus Prime and says, “You
gotta wonder—God made us in His image. Who made him?”
Uhhh… General Motors? Volvo? Who?
8. When a whole movie is just one long climax (Sting-style, you
know), it’s hard not to feel anticlimactic at the actual climax.
That’s what happens in T:ROTF. After two hours of constant
destruction—really just one long sustained, indistinguishable
whirl of shiny metal punctuated by explosions (lots)—the Big
Finish, wherein the evil are vanquished and the good high-five (oh…
spoiler?), is hardly noticeable. Does that bother you? No? Fair enough,
then. 
Ha, nice.
I’m an unapologetic fan-boy of the Transformers and I found your review hilarious and accurate.
After seeing the first movie, I’ve begun referring to these movies as “Giant Fucking Robots Blowing Up Shit” and “Giant Fucking Robots II: Blowing Up MORE Shit.”
That said,… Goddamn! I love watching giant fucking robots blowing up shit.
Duuuude, too much spoilery!
Yes, yes. What we all want to know is; does Shia LaBeouf fuck Megan Fox on his friend in this movie, too? That was some kinky shit last time.
So, um, I am assuming the opposite (If you think you’ll hate it you will.) is also true.
Dear Lindy,
Spot on review. I loved the toys, the ‘toon, and the animated movie when I was a kid – not that I can remember anything but a few of the toys now that I’m 30. So I guess I’m biased when I grimace and dissaprovingly shake my head in shame and disgust at these movies.
And I’m no snob, even I will grudgingly admit that, yeah, sure, it’s kind of fun – “Giant Fucking Robots Blowing Up Shit”™ was all that I expected it to be considering it’s a Michael Bay film. I think the ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ team made a much better film, and really – sans giant fucking robots it’s pretty much the same.
I do think the comment on Skids is going a smidge to far like Palin going off on Letterman(just not in turbodouche asshole form befitting just about anything from Palin’s mouth)- they are mostly CARS after all. But I quibble.
But the piece de resistance for any Bay film is wildly over the top and egregious stereotyping – how there hasn’t been a huge upset over Jazz and now these too shuckin’ and jivin’ testaments to humankind’s deep seated bigotry is amazing. This isn’t a old white woman who’s a gypsy more in name than anything else, a la Drag Me To Hell. These are Jar Jar Motherfuckin’ Boogaloo Binkslaps to the face of all people with even a smidge of racial awareness.
For that matter:
Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked,
Just a little bit more than I miss you, Lindy.
Love, The ‘Tubes.
It sounds really boring just like the last one.
Dear Lindy,
Spot on review. I loved the toys, the ‘toon, and the animated movie when I was a kid – not that I can remember anything but a few of the toys now that I’m 30. So I guess I’m biased when I grimace and dissaprovingly shake my head in shame and disgust at these movies.
And I’m no snob, even I will grudgingly admit that, yeah, sure, it’s kind of fun – “Giant Fucking Robots Blowing Up Shit”™ was all that I expected it to be considering it’s a Michael Bay film. I think the ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ team made a much better film, and really – sans giant fucking robots it’s pretty much the same.
I do think the comment on Skids is going a smidge to far like Palin going off on Letterman(just not in turbodouche asshole form befitting just about anything from Palin’s mouth)- they are mostly CARS after all. But I quibble.
But the piece de resistance for any Bay film is wildly over the top and egregious stereotyping – how there hasn’t been a huge upset over Jazz and now these too shuckin’ and jivin’ testaments to humankind’s deep seated bigotry is amazing. This isn’t a old white woman who’s a gypsy more in name than anything else, a la Drag Me To Hell. These are Jar Jar Motherfuckin’ Boogaloo Binkslaps to the face of all people with even a smidge of racial awareness.
For that matter:
Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked,
Just a little bit more than I miss you, Lindy.
Love, The ‘Tubes.
Lindy. You rock.
I don’t go for plot or dialogue, I go for the eye-candy. I think I have an inappropriate crush on Bumblebee.
There’s a plot?
Can you tell the different robots apart in this one? Cause in the last one not so much. I’m pretty sure the good robots won because its a movie and all, but honestly, they could have totally tricked me.
Is this one also full of ridiculous car “facts”? I went to the first one with a friend who is a Mercedes tech, and he was twisting in his chair during the scene with Megan Fox explaining why the engine wasn’t working. Should I tell him to avoid this one?
Lindy,
Will you have my robot child? Robo-child? Ro-chilzee?
Seriously?
“my He-Man with the rotating battle-scar chest plate”
I had the same toy. When you hit him in the chest, he got progressively more…dented. Hours of fun.
I WAS mad at Obama and found myself wishing for the Bush administration just so he could have been the asshole to send the cars to their rooms. Bad robots, bad.
Sure, it was one big climax, but we didn’t get any cuddling afterwards! What happened to “The Real Effing Deal”? Did Bumblebee get to go to college? Come on! These are questions that NEED answered. Maybe in the third movie.
FUCK EVERYTING.
I STILL WATCH TRANSFORMERS THE ANIMATED EXTRAVAFUCKLINDY EVERY SO NOONTIMME.
AND IT IS STILL SOOOOOOO DELICIOUSLY GUT. IT DARES TO KILL THE UNKILLABLE. DARES TO FUNCTION AS A FEATURE LENGTH EXTENSION OF THE TV SHOW AND (UNDERLINE THAT AND YOU CANTANKEROUS SNIPE) BE A TOTALLY AWESOME AND SELF-CONTAINED MOVIN’ PICTURE TOO! AZAMING!
NEWAY. LINDY, YOU MISSED ONE BIG DETAIL. YA BAG. TRANSFORMERS MAY BE BASED ON TOYS, BUT THE TV SHOW GOT PROGRESSIVELY BETTER EVRY SINGLE EPISOD AND THE MOVIE (ANIMATED) WAS JESUS GENIUS CHRIST. THE NEW MOVIES FUCKING BLOW. PS: R U TARD OR ONLY PRETEND 2 B 1? THUT IZ BUMBLEBEE (OLD ONE WAS LAME SUPPORTING CHARAC, NOW HE’S LAME LEADING CHARAC???? LAME!) N’ MADE UP ALT-UNIVERSE WITWICKY BOUT 2 KISS CUZ MICHAEL BAY IS A BIG GAY MOTHERFUCKER. WITCH IS WHY SLOG LUVS THIS MOVAH AND NO ONE CALLS NE1 ON SHIT.
Two things: Lindy did a nice job for once and STILL felt the need to lead off with an apology. Get some balls. But nice job!
And I think you confused He-Man’s ride, Panthor, with being a purple Transformer. Now, Panthor no panths, I’m comin’ in!!!
Skids? Oh my God.
@13: I think the key term in there is “Megan Fox.” I’m sure the “car facts” were perfectly accurate in the script.
AND THAT PURPLE THING WAS A FUCKING TRANSFORMER TOOO YOU STUPID MORONS. HASN’T NE1 EVERY HEARD OF BEAST WARS? NERDY TOOLS ONE AND ALL IZ U.
I love LaRiiiiM0RrrHAwtiiii696969. Ya bag.
Dear Lindy,
I’m not going to yell at you for reviewing this movie. I’m going to yell at you for not doing your homework and assuming that nerds, let alone Transformers fans, would leap to this film’s defense en masse. Just to fill you in, Transformers fans have been deeply divided on the merits of Bay’s interpretation since day one and their primary complaint is that Michael Bay has pissed all over the source material.
That said, even viewed as just a movie about generic transforming robots blowing shit up, it still sucks.
holy shit, those “jive talkin'” (code for black) bots sound like total stereotypes of black people.
“Naw, we don’t really do much readin’. Not so much,”
WTF.
note to writer of this movie who is obviously not black:
black people can read and thinly veiled probobly accidental racism makes you look like an ignorant turd.
that being said, im going to see this movie at the drive in and enjoy the two hours of explosions.
One big 150-minute climax is right! I was so uninterested by the end of the movie…and i fucking loved the first Transformers movie.
Did notice the racism too…kinda made me a little disgusted.
Nice article overall.
@23: I’m not sure what your point is, but I think it’s the same as mine.
Lindy,
To answer your largely rhetorical questions (as a genuine nerd must, lacking the social skills to realize the difference between satire and literal statements):
1. Yes, but you forgot about Darth Vader’s-I mean Megatron’s master, Emperor Palpati-The Fallen and his secret history of being a douche on planet Earth in days of long ago, when humans were a poorly constructed 2001 reference.
2.Obviously those guns shoot glowing fooseballs! You don’t think the giant robots actually want to HURT each other do you!?
3. Are you sure you don’t want a John Turturro one instead? It might come with a look of “I can’t believe this is actual film dialogue” on its face.
4. Of course I’m angry at Obama now! Why wouldn’t I be, he is obviously the enemy of our glorious military industrial complex, so well represented by Tyrese and that guy who kind of looks like a young Michael Biehn.
5. Cue comedy trumpet: Wah, wah wah waaaaaah!
6. I noticed myself, that Robots in this series seem to spend most of their times as cars, etc. when nothing’s going on. My guess is that they have a pathological need to transform into sentient beings only when there are humans around to impress with their mightiness. In short, for such giant robots, they all have terrible inferiority complexes.
7. If it holds true to the original series, Transformers were made by some half squid/half robot assholes named the Quintessons (feel free to look this up). They’re sort of the Transformer version of Cthulu. But far stupider and without the ability make people go mad by looking at ’em.
8. Can’t say as it did, since after about the 60th frame (and 12th shot) of the movie I lapsed into something like a coma from which I emerged a few hours later with a fragmented memory of what had transpired on the screen inbetween. No wait that wasn’t fragmented, that was an accurate memory of the film editing.
But seriously, nerds hate this movie more than you ever possibly could.
Spot on. People walked out at the showing I was at at the two hour ten minute mark during the middle of the climactic battle(s). That’s how mind-numbing it was. All spectacle, no substance.
This movie is surprisingly bad even when you think, hey, this movie is going to be bad. =
On the topic of Skids and Mudflaps, the “twins” of the Autobots…
Jive talking. Okay.
Big ears. Whatever.
Don’t read much. Meh…
GOLD TOOTH…. What the fuck?
I thought the accusations of racism were a bit overly-sensitive.
Then I saw a mother fucking robot with a mother fucking GOLD TOOTH.
I don’t think this means that Spielberg and Bay are RACISTS, per se…
I just think they are unapologetic nerds with a sense of humor more befitting of a 12 year old boy.
“Yeah, and let’s give one of them a gold tooth… that’ll be HEE-LARIOUS!!!”
(Spielberg and Bay high-five. Bay farts. Spielberg burps the national anthem.)
Absolutely worst movie I’ve ever seen. It saddens me to know that I can’t get that 2+ hours back. Oh well…
Transformers Animated (the show) is surprisingly good. It works because well, in part, because it focuses on the major archetypes and selectively brings back the strongest elements from the funny books, the old show, etc.
This movie is arguably bad, for the opposite reasons. The spirit and themes are wrong: It would be like the hobbits are running around, beating up the Nazgul “because they love it” and saying things like “who my bitch now?”. And two of the hobbits are squabbling gangsters that fight with each other. To say it is off spirit is not enough. It’s completely backwards.
Ratchet gets one line, I think. Bumblebee gets zero lines, strangely. Bay invents new douchebags instead of pulling from the database of a thousand beloved characters. All the decepticons at the end? Nameless, faceless clones. Why would you do that? This is your chance to make some fan super-happy. Seriously, just color one red and name it “Thrust”. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Plus, the few archetypes that are there: all switched around; Wolverine is called Magneto for some reason — rampant throughout, but especially obvious with “Damn I’m good” Sideswipe, who is the humble “twin” in the show… and for some reason is not one of the two twins in the movie… HOLY GOD, BAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The Autobots all seem to “love” their violent job. Where is the old fear, humility, dissention? Where is the “it takes three of us to stand up to one of them” underdog beauty?
It makes a ton of money so they MUST realize it is a huge and promising franchise. Perhaps, like the Harry Potter movies and Batman, maybe they will experiment with other directors. Please. Please God.
If you liked Lindy’s review, you’ll love this one!
Michael Bay finally Made An Art Movie:
http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-final…
I have to disagree. Transformers could’ve been infinitely more awesome without Michael Bay at helm. It’s so bad, that no amount of awesome action and explosions can save it. No amount of Megan Fox can save it. Some movies, you walk into and turn off your brain for 2 hrs and enjoy the ride. Transformer is NOT one of them. You don’t have to be a ‘fanboi’ to realise this. You’re doing society a disservice by allowing Michael Bay to do this.
Plus I hate Shia LeDouche.
Dear Lindy,
I am a nerd, and this answer will be very nerdy and far too detailed. But you asked for it, and I wash my hands of all responsibility for my actions.
I’m only going to tackle one of your questions, but it’s the one that comes closest to having an actual answer:
7) In the universe of the Bay movies, the only creative force behind the Transformers’ existence is the All Spark (the cube from the last movie). According to the prequel comics (nerrrrrrd), it made all the original robots – The Fallen, the “Primes,” everybody. The star-harvester in the pyramid was built solely to repower the All Spark so it could make more robots. Where the All Spark came from is anybody’s guess. The whole “hatchlings” thing in this new movie came out of left field; I don’t know what the deal with that is, and it has no real precedent in Transformers lore.
Now, that having been said… Transformers lore does have another answer: Primus, the robot god. Bear with me here. Various comic-book series over the years have reinforced the notion that the planet Cybertron is actually the body of a deity who created the Transformers to fight his evil counterpart, Unicron. A previous commenter mentioned the Quintessons, a race of floating squid-bots who built the first Transformers. This was the explanation in the original cartoon, but a more recent comic book retconned Primus into that story, claiming that the Quints just hijacked Primus’s creation and used the robots for their own purposes.
One can only imagine the debates in the Cybetronian public school system about which origin to teach in their science classes.
For even more information than you could possibly want on these subjects, see:
http://tfwiki.net/wiki/All_Spark
http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Primus
http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Unicron
http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Quintesson
Okay, I’m done. I’m not proud, but there it is.
hey, thank god they didn’t remake another crappy series like GOBOTS or ANOTHER POWER RANGER MOVIE!!! so i think this series is pretty good…i guess.
I have no idea what LaRiiiiM0RrrHAwtiiii696969 is trying to say. All I know is that his/her comment is soooooo deliciously gut.
Thanks for this review.
When I saw the movie, two things stood out to me, and apparently they did to you:
1. What’s up with the anti-Obama horseshit? I almost stood up in the theater and yelled at screen, accusing it of being republican propaganda. There was no need for any of that nonsense. But then again, there was no need for a lot of stuff that happened in that movie.
2. Yeah, you’re right. The movie is comprised of 75% visually-confusing, indistinguishable metal flashing around with periodic explosions and loud noises.
According to Bay, making the president be specifically Obama was a late-stage addition intended as a compliment to the man because of a chance conversation they had had. Here’s Bay telling the story.
That having been said, I completely agree that the movie made Obama out to be a dangerous fool. If he had succeeded in pursuing “diplomatic channels” in lieu of ASS KICKING, the Earth would’ve been destroyed. But, to be fair, the whole concept of a meddling bureaucrat interfering with the military heroes in the name of politics is as old as action flicks. It just goes to show how blind Bay is to the content of his own creations that he apparently didn’t realize the blatant message he was sending by using that particular trope with this particular person.
As “compliments” go, this one was about as backhanded as you can get.
According to Bay, making the president be specifically Obama was a late-stage addition intended as a compliment to the man because of a chance conversation they had had. Here’s Bay telling the story.
That having been said, I completely agree that the movie made Obama out to be a dangerous fool. If he had succeeded in pursuing “diplomatic channels” in lieu of ASS KICKING, the Earth would’ve been destroyed. But, to be fair, the whole concept of a meddling bureaucrat interfering with the military heroes in the name of politics is as old as action flicks. It just goes to show how blind Bay is to the content of his own creations that he apparently didn’t realize the blatant message he was sending by using that particular trope with this particular person.
As “compliments” go, this one was about as backhanded as you can get.
So, uh, looks like my link didn’t show up. But if you’re interested, go to YouTube and look for “How michael bay met obama”.
yo!!!-look up information on the anime company-TOEI-. they helped make the FIRST TRANSFORMERS MOVIE!!!{in 1986}and they made many other works in the transformers series}i bet they had something to do with these movies… by the way,what series is better,out of the cartoon series?is it better than the movies? hey,mabye in the near future,hollywood will make a movie called B.H {barack hussein}just like G.W,god forbid….just some food for thought…
Great review – I refuse to see any more crappy Michael Bay movies though. He’s good with the eye candy but damn the writing for most of his movies is just plain awful. And by that I mean really, really terrible. Painful to sit through even.
It is *EXTREMELY DIFFICULT* to screw up when making a movie that has the following elements:
– Hot chicks, two is enough if they’ve got good enough titties and a nice panty shot or two, I don’t care whether one *SPOILER ALERT* was a decepticon or not, a panty shot or two from a chick of that calibur is downright awesome. *END SPOILER ALERT* For the first time in my life, I actually stopped everything I was doing (read: Drinking soda) when Megan Fox started stripping (oh yeah, spoiler alert, but you knew it was coming, you good ol’ horndog, you), my soda stayed in mid-straw for about ten seconds while I gazed at one of the most glorious sights known to man: Technically legal Megan Fox ass taking her clothes off to reveal a dangerously see-through dress. My pants were sticky by the end.
– Cars, aside from women they’re one of the only acceptable things a true man can be obsessed with, and he gets bonus points for it if it’s fucking awesome, which a new yellow mustang most certainly is. Cars and women go hand in hand, so this was a no-brainer, and only served to make the movie that much more awesome.
– Explosions, and suddenly every little kid in the audience quits saying “ick” at the Megan Fox parts (you little shits!), as they all, simultaneously, pee their pants from excitement, along with the rest of the crowd. There is no word to describe the feeling one gets when one sees an explosion like the ones in the movie. Words simply cannot describe the primordial joy. Best when viewed right before a 4th of July, 3-hour fireworks show on a beach on an Indian Reservation with a shitload of fireworks involved. Goodness, what a day!
– Robots. Not just robots, robots that CHANGE INTO CARS. Granted, the idea is cheesy and directed at children, but the idea is also awesome and puts hair on your chest if you think about it long enough (if you think too hard about it, you’re a dweeb, and it would do you some good to watch this film a few dozen times). Oh, and they fight. And they kill each other. Need I say more?
– Only the most wonderful lack of distracting scientific bullshit that I don’t care about. Sure, it could do without the parents and the roommate and the old helper from the first film, and about four and a half robots are made for comic relief, but in the end, they don’t matter, because I don’t have to listen to them talk for very long. Ah, the sweet sound of that scientist chick from the first film not showing up here at all. Marvelous.
@7, 22, 30, 32, and arguably 41: As much as you are all entitled to your opinions, they happen to be particularly shitty, “Oh-my-God-this-movie-has-absolutely-no-Proust-in-it-men-to-your-blogs” opinions. Question: Are you even human? Do you feel no need to fulfill the perfectly natural, primal urges inside of you, the urges to see hot tail, hot cars, hot lead and hot missiles? What kind of person skips out on the opportunity to be a part of such a delicious feast of the senses? Goodness, it’s borderline Shakespearian in its scope of the base urges, and it does it with enough elegance to appeal to general audiences, for fuck’s sake! Goodness, man, grow yourself a pair and get your ass back in that movie theater, we have serious work to do!
I JUST watched this movie… yeah, I was so excited I waited until it hit the premium channels on cable. The “twins” made me wince right off, and the whole purpose of Megan Fox seems to be to run in slow motion so her breasts (are those things real? Are they powered on?) bounce prettily. It’s certainly not for her acting chops. Sam’s mother IS damn near the best thing in the movie, other than the Decepticon sidekick whatsername captures and threatens into defecting. Can we have a spinoff franchise with Mrs. Wickwicki and the dirty leg-humping Decepticon robot? How ’bout a sitcom? You can throw in the old Scottish bot as well, come to think of it.
And I too rather liked it. It was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.