Food Porn!

All this talk on Slog lately about foie gras, grilled cheese,
gummy-bear chandeliers, sexy PETA mermaids trying to convince people
not to eat fish… well, it got me thinking. About food. About food
porn. You know, like the 9 ½ Weeks variety. People love food.
People love sex. What happens when you consume them together? Would
your boyfriend really pop an instant boner if you walked into the room
wearing nothing but a bacon bikini?

I went sailing the dark seas of internet sleaze, and here are my
all-time favorite Top 10 Food-Porn Moments.

(Please note, most of these are probably NSFW. The ones that are
actually labeled are especially not safe.)

10. Underwear-Model Pie Fight!
A G-rated pie fight between a bunch of hot guy and girl cutesy
underwear models. Not really that pornographic, but man, it looks
FUN.

9. Filthy Food
This classic, from 2006, is still ridiculous and hot. A woman
molests a whole variety of foods, including peaches, bananas, and some
hot pink Hostess Sno Balls. It all seems so innocent, until the peanut
butter and chocolate part.

8. Two “Lesbians” and a Hot Dog (NSFW)
This one gets points for just taking on the
I-blame-Judy-Blume-don’t-all-junior-high-girls-do-this urban myth that
you can actually FUCK a hot dog. These two give it an all-American try.
Plus it probably really bums out the vegansexuals.

7. I Love You, Cheetos
Can you even imagine the world before the internet anymore? This is
one of those WTF internet classics. Pudgy man dry-humps a giant
Cheeto. A giant Cheeto made up of millions of little Cheetos. While
wearing a green box on his head.

6. Hot-Pizza Titty Fuck (NSFW)
Why is that woman rubbing her tits all over that hot, fresh, pizza
while it’s still in the box? Ooop! SURPRISE!

5. The Hardee’s Fisting Commercial
This is an oldie from 2004. I still can’t believe any ad exec would
really think that having this dishwater blonde do that with her giant
mouth would be apropos for promoting something called a “2/3 Lb.
Monster Thick Burger.”

4. Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup Girl (NSFW)
The music is hilariously terrible, but she’s actually hot. And she
doesn’t look idiotic like so many of those millions of girls sticking
carrots up their bums on RedTube, or get quite as messy as all those
silly sploshers.

3. Super-Buff Guy Fucks Himself, Then a Watermelon (NSFW)
No watermelon until about the 10:25 mark. It makes me wish I had a
dick. Oh, the things I could stick it in!

2. The Canadian Banana Catch (NSFW)
Ah Can-naaaa-dah! I love Canadians. I also love the fact this one
ends BEFORE the corn on the cob.

and…

1. Lesbians in Super-Tall Chef Hats Have Sex with Birthday Cakes
(NSFW)
This is very sploshy (see number 4). But the lighting, weird campy
music, and those surreally tall chef hats… well, it gives new
meaning, somehow, to that song, “If I Knew You Were Comin’ I’d’ve Baked
a Cake.”