Man, you guys! Ryan Gosling (or “the Goz,” as I like to call him) is fucking attractive! Now, if you’ve only seen the photos and read the magazines, you’ve probably noticed his big beaky nose, weird close-together eyes that don’t open all the way, and dumb slack-jawed mouth hole, out of which he drools creepy platitudes about Rachel McAdams’s supernatural inner beauty. (What’s it called when you fall asleep and barf at the same time?)

But to see Ryan Gosling move and talk—especially when wearing a perfectly rumpled, not-quite-tight T-shirt that is vintage without trying too hard and clings and stretches just so—is to take a lesson in 21st-century babeliness. Gosling, according to weepy females across the land, was a babe in The Notebook. He was, according to me, a babe on late-’90s teen television masterpiece Breaker High (do not hate). And in Half Nelson, for all you still-doubting Thomases, Gosling reveals himself to be an unbelievable babe, even when perched on a feces-encrusted toilet smoking crack and crying. I crown him King of Babes. And I guess the movie is pretty good, too.

Gosling is haggard and convincing as a Mr. Dunne, an idealistic, drug-addled 8th-grade history teacher in this innercity morality tale (yup, that one again). After cleverly leaving a crack vial in the girls’ locker room and rapidly spiraling into mortifying, sweaty madness, he befriends and is redeemed by an old-soul student named Drey. Gosling is funny and pathetic, and impressively keeps this bundle of clichés above water. Newcomer Shareeka Epps, as Drey, is a revelation, putting most of her fully grown costars to shame.

So kids, don’t do drugs or something. Or do. I forget. The important thing here is that the Goz is hottest when moving and talking, and in Half Nelson he does both. Double score!

Half Nelson

dir. Ryan Fleck

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

8 replies on “Hot for Crack Addict”

  1. This review is so old, but it provides proof that Lindy West is a complete waste of time.

    I happened to catch Half Nelson and found it a deeply moving film, artfully written and directed with pitch-perfect performances from the ENTIRE cast. It’s quite simply a small masterpiece.

    Lindy ignores the film while childishly rambling about Gosling as if she were a 13 year-old boy with her dick hanging out of the zipper.

    Lindy, it’s seriously embarrassing.

    I know Dan Savage is busy appearing on Colbert and Bill Maher, but somebody has got to properly edit this paper.

  5. “I happened to catch Half Nelson and found it a deeply moving film, artfully written and directed with pitch-perfect performances from the ENTIRE cast. It’s quite simply a small masterpiece.”

    I move that this phrase be tattooed on the writer’s forehead. so that he will always be known by this knobbery.

  6. Jesus Christ, what a bunch of humorless douchebags! This ain’t Cineaste, for Christ’s sake, it’s THE STRANGER! I think this review is hilarious. Well done, Lindy!

  8. @Paul

    See, that’s the problem with the Stranger. They try to act too cool for school and make fun of everything.

    Then, what do they get all pissy and serious about?

    Fucking BIKE PATHS! BIKE PATHS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!

    I think everyone can agree that Half Nelson is a beautiful film. When Hollywood pumps out 90% shit, it’s a good idea to point out something great and tell people to go see it. Lindy wastes this opportunity acting like a stupid fuckin TEENAGER.

    Seriously, BIKE PATHS?!

    Seattle is so fuckin lame!!! I am happy to have left it. I mean, is it or is it not the city that had to vote 5 fuckin times on a monorail?

    And now, I will leave this shit-hole site for good.

    Farewell, my loves. Try to grow up one of these days.

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