Okay. I think we can all agree that James Cameron is a deeply annoying blowhard: something about his face—like a smug, puffy kitten—and his Titanic and his enthusiasm for Bill Paxton and his propensity for announcing that he is like the Thomas Edison of fine wines of Fabergé eggs of filmmaking of the future. He is silly. He drives me crazy. I don’t want James Cameron on my phone, or in my hot tub, or—god forbid—next to me on a plane (I would prefer a snake under all three circumstances!). I do, however, as it turns out, desperately want James Cameron in my movie theater. (Except for sometimes. But this is not one of those sometimes.)
I fully expected to dislike Avatar, because I make it a policy to dislike things that deeply annoying blowhards just won’t fucking shut up about (see also: Jesus, kombucha, Tiger Woods). However, a curious thing happened when I sat down and actually watched it. That thing was called “THE BEST MOVIE ABOUT GIANT BLUE CAT PEOPLE EVER TO SHOOT INTO MY SKEPTICAL EYEBALLS.” Cameron didn’t lie: This movie rules.
Here’s the situation. The story is as simple as it gets—Cameron really doesn’t do subtlety. Avatar is FernGully meets space meets The Air Up There (these cat people totally reminded me of the really tall dude in Kevin Bacon’s Africa-meets-sports classic The Air Up There—is that racist?). There’s this alien jungle planet called Pandora, where a spunky space industrialist (Giovanni Ribisi) is mining for the world’s valuablest nonsense mineral (called, for realsies, “unobtainium”) with the help of the U.S. Army and Sigourney Weaver, Reluctant Scientist (and Terrible Actress). It’s suuuper awkward, though, because the biggest unobtainium chunk EVAR is right underneath this really, really big tree where the aforementioned very tall magical blue cat people live! So what’s a spunky space industrialist to do? Why, have Sigourney Weaver breed some hybrid human/cat-people avatars (called “avatars”) to infiltrate the cat people and trick them into moving their entire civilization, of course! Because diplomacy is #1! (Gigantic bulldozers are #2.)
So. The main avatar is piloted (via science pod) by one Jake Sully (Sam Worthington, Hot Australian), a bewheelchaired marine who doesn’t give much of a shit about cat people, but who REALLY gives a shit about getting his legs back (they can do that in the future—but apparently in the future, veterans still have shitty benefits). “There’s no such thing as an ex-marine,” he grumbles hotly. “Even if you’re out, you’ve always got the attitude.”
Jake Sully, in his big blue avatar body, goes to the cat people and he’s all, “‘Sup” (hot), and they’re all, “Meow?” (not really), and he’s all, “Yup, I’m the chosen one” (or something), and the great Earth Mother is all, “Jake Sully! ‘Bout it, ’bout it!” (paraphrasing), and he goes through their complex warrior training and initiation (much like Kevin Bacon in The Air Up There!) and comes out the other side a fully certified cat-person jungle-parkour dino-wrangler. The cat people are all spiritually in tune with the environment and stuff, the human people are all greedy and bulldozey, and Jake Sully still wants his legs back—so what’s a human turncoat in a blue cat body to do when the bulldozers come? Awesome stuff, as it turns out. Just a whole bunch of awesome, awesome stuff.
Make no mistake: Avatar is ridiculous. It’s the kind of movie where people are always telling other people that they are “not in Kansas anymore” and saying splendidly cartoony things like “I was going to have to take it to a whole new level” and “If there is a hell, you might want to go there for R&R after a tour on Pandora.” There’s a slightly uncomfortable level of exotification going on—the cat people are your basic noble-
savage earth worshippers with African accents and peaceful wisdom. And it’s pretty clumsy in the Indictment of the Modern American Military department (“Our only security lies in preemptive attack,” says the evil colonel with the 40-inch neck, “and we will fight terror with terror”; the words “shock and awe” are used). But I’m going to have to go ahead and say fuck all that, because of one thing: JAKE SULLY IS CONSTANTLY BEING CHASED BY A MONSTER.
Avatar—at almost three hours—is literally never not exciting. The creatures that inhabit Pandora’s stunning glow-stick jungle (it’s basically Blacklight Poster: The Movie) will blow your mind up: skinless dogs, dino-rhinos, lizard-lions, everything fast and alive and terrifying AND CHASING YOU. I had the adrenaline shakes for the whole ride home. And even if he’s not much for complexity, Cameron knows how to structure a story. Avatar is a magnificent piece of entertainment. I might even allow him in my hot tub for this one. (But DON’T GET USED TO IT, CAMERON!) 
I run to the bathroom immediately after a big fight/chase scene. Hasn’t failed me yet.
Great review, and like some others will now go and see it, having previously had a “no damn way” attitude.
Was I the only person who read the front page headline as “‘Family Guy’ Meets ‘Space'”? Now THAT would be a great movie.
@42, your font-critique touches my design-nerd heart. I haaaaaaaaaaaate Papyrus.
@55
I’m sure you’ve seen Papyrus:
http://xkcd.com/590/
@55
I’m sure you’ve seen Papyrus:
http://xkcd.com/590/
@54: I agree. I’d like to shoot everything to do with “Family Guy” (including its fans) into space.
The only thing that can destroy Avatar now is if Avatar stands between Lindy West and a just delivered pepperoni pizza.
The 3D is much better than Cats. I will see it again, and again.
I can’t wait to get sooper fuckin’ baked and see this flick!
Kombucha is a symbiotic combination of bacteria and yeast.
@ 46 Agreed. All the verbosity causes the initial point to get lost. Its like reading something by my 9 year old niece.
Hold the fuck on – did someone up there actually complain about a movie like this having plot holes?
Plot holes.
In AVATAR.
Ok so in tabletop gaming (best way to start a sentence ever?), there’s a concept called: SUSPEND DISBELIEF. It’s entirely self explanatory, and it enables fun-having.
Y’know. Fun?
Lindy you are terrific, and your reviews are even better. Laughed out loud several times while reading this one… I’m looking forward to seeing the film.
BTW – just how much cocaine do you reckon has gone up Cameron’s nose? He has that cokehead “my face is about to implode at any moment look” going on somethin’ fierce.
And fuck the Lindy haters. I’m apparently not alone here in thinking that she’s really fuckin’ funny.
I wish the Lindy West haters would give it a rest. We get it: you fucking hate Lindy West. No, but, for real: you really, really, REALLY fucking hate her. (And in the case of the first commenter here, you also hate women in general. But especially Lindy West! Lindy West is, like, a woman times three. Three times as hateable.)
Now that we’re all clear on this point, you can quit posting your nasty comments every time she posts a column or review.
@17 There’s really no good time to go, but if you must, go any time right after the dude wakes up back into the human world – you can miss all the military mumbo jumbo and none of the magical blue-people stuff.
@26 It’s exactly that, but visually just incredibly, incredibly amazing.
@61 That sounds like an excellent plan.
Everyone go see it.
PS I love you Lindy.
@64
The problem lies in the fact that we keep giving blowjobs to all these twats who think having plot-holes is a valid/expected/acceptable characteristic to perform in any any storytelling. We need to stop it, its not a virtue to be admired or even tolerated….its just shitty storytelling…plain and simple….asking someone to “SUSPEND DISBELIEF” is asking them to become a thoughtless drone….. a shit vacuum….. a vomit sponge.
please, lets take a step forward in screenplays for once….. even shitty action films
@68
Worse than that – what about the racism? Stop rewarding prejudiced moviemaking with your $$. Ditto Transformers 2.
I was about to say “Stop it Lindy, no one finds your forced fourth grade writing style endearing” but apparently there are many, many people around here who do.
LAMENESS. I don’t mind James Cameron–most people act like complete buttholes, especially if you cut them slack. It’s his stupid movies that bother me. I always thought Terminator was silly, that Aliens was a moronic step back, that Titanic had fakey effects and stupid characterizations, and so now I’m supposed to get all juiced up over blue aliens? Please.
@64 yeah, i remember fun and i’m gonna go have some at 10:45! whether this movie is good or not, it at least looks entertaining, and if not – BIG FUCKING DEAL!!! some people really need to get over themselves. i’ll leave the nit-picking freaks to what they obviously enjoy as a pastime. i, on the other hand, have better things to do, like enjoying a little mindless “shit vacuum”, “vomit sponge” entertainment.
I know several people that also watched this movie, expecting it to be crap. Everyone so far has said it was an absolutely amazing film. I can’t believe it. I guess I have to go watch it now.
See, Lindy displays the penultimate characteristic of the Hipster Douchebag: She hates it when people get excited over things. If they do, they are “annoying blowhards.” Displaying strong *positive* emotion about something is the worst thing anyone can do, and it is up to the Hipster Douchebags to deride, sneer & mock them.
This movie was incredible. Lindy is one of the more entertaining reads in Seattle. Keep it coming. I read Lindy things and laugh out loud. Apparently some people are jealous, or they are taking themselves WAY too serious.
HEY 71
Remember in Titanic when that guy falls of the ship and his legs hit the propeller and he goes into a cart wheel on his descent to the freezing ocean.
That was AWESOME. I laughed.
http://img51.imageshack.us/img51/4729/re…
this made me laugh
Everyone who faults Lindy West’s style for being, well, stylish, or childish, or for its hipster contrarianism… look, we get it. Go back to messily beating off to a Raymond Carver collection or dryly chortling over Masterpiece Theater or whatever it is you people do. At least Lindy’s is *aware* of her distilled-4Chan, post-liberal-arts-degree, white-privilege-conscious prose, unlike the douchebagels over at pfork.
I mean, c’mon. What, you want Mudede to review everything instead?
@32- As someone in the bicycle industry, I also groaned at “Unobtainium.” That joke is ancient.
I think this is a pretty perfect review. Any more words would be a waste of breath–I don’t care who the reviewer is. The movie is what it is: fun. Even Lindy herself agrees that the script and plot leaves much to be desired. But if you want to check your brain out for 3 hrs and give your eyes a treat, then Avatar is a fine choice. You may think it’s a simple formula, but making an enjoyable brainless action movie is tougher than it seems. (See: Transformers and GI Joe for examples of how to do it wrong)
To me a movie review should tell me why or why not I should watch a movie–whether it’s entertaining or thought provoking. Otherwise, it would be a film school-style analysis of the technical aspects of the film that I couldn’t give a rat’s arse about.
The film was visually gorgeous, and technically flawless.
I just wish Cameron wasn’t such a piss-ant primadonna that he can’t recognize that his films would be THAT MUCH BETTER if he’d hand off the scripting to someone else. There were so many times that the dialogue had me chuckling in embarrassment (Could he really be serious? Is he having a laugh?). By the end I had a headache, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the 3D or all the eye-rolling I was doing. Surely $300M could’ve purchased a decent script? Jeez, I bet Harold Pinter would’ve risen from the dead and written it for that price.
And the critique: I’m not overly impressed by the review. I prefer being addressed as if I were an adult, most of the time.
@42 and @55: Prepare yourselves…all the subtitles are in Papyrus.
@78 I didn’t realize 4Chan was giving out post-liberal-arts degrees now. If that’s the case, There are clearly not enough Tay Zonday references in the review to qualify her for a Master’s, which would bring your whole “Lindy is aware” argument into question.
your articles eat dog shit.
I think Sam Worthington burned a hole in my sexual reproductive organs.
#7: Dances with Smurfs. Right ON.
Awesome funny review, Lindy. I emailed it to some friends in the sticks who were hesitating seeing this psychedelic CGI-fest.
And the movie was totally awesome. Good news: the right-wing nut columnists at the NYT are already dissing the flick for its “heavy-handed enviro/pantheism message” (READ: Hollywood=devil worshipers). Any movie that pisses the Right off is worth seeing.
Great movie. Crippled gamer guy withdraws into his virtual world where he joins a mythical pure-of-heart race of noble savages to overthrow other white males who are more powerful, brutish, and evil than he is, the guys he has to rub elbows with in the real world when he’s not plugged into his fantasy game. There’s the fairy tale ending where he becomes his avatar and the bad guys are forced to leave the planet (that should appeal to people who are not satisfied with how real history plays out).
Lindy West’s review is not very good. She trashes the only female actor (I guess she doesn’t like competition). She is also troubled by the “clumsy indictment” of the army. Maybe she is just uncomfy knowing that her attraction to big powerful thugs is shallow and wants to believe said thugs are actually heroes. Yes somewhere buried underneath the thick neck of that evil general is a heart that can be tamed haha.
Uh 86, the NYT Film critic gave it a rave…..what you talking about?
http://movies.nytimes.com/2009/12/18/mov… NYT Critic’s Pick….”On the face of it there might seem something absurd about a movie that asks you to thrill to a natural world made almost entirely out of zeroes and ones (and that feeds you an anticorporate line in a corporately financed entertainment). But one of the pleasures of the movies is that they transport us, as Neytiri does with Jake, into imaginary realms, into Eden and over the rainbow to Oz.”
ALSO, 87, off thread, but which NYT columnist is “right wing?” (such an outmoded concept at that, the French notion of Right and Left), Krugman, Freidman, Dowd, Brooks?
Uh, I meant 86, DOH!, Tuttle? Buttle? what does it matter
While I guess I did enjoy reading this review, I found it distractingly enamored with its own cleverness at times. Murder your darlings, Lindy!
I also don’t get the animosity toward Sigourney Weaver (though her costuming in one segment was fairly ridiculous).
Wow. A moldy ham sandwich is more of a salary then this reviewer deserves. Oh, Stranger why do you have to be so god damn cool all the freakin’ time. Don’t you get tired?
Also, it’s weird that the majority of the chicks who are posting really, really like “Lindy” and the dudes who are posting are the most annoying hipster wanna-be critics that start every response to something you like by saying “yeah, but…” See the movie, like it or not and stop over analyzing everything! It’s supposed to be over the top and fun. Remember that word, fun? You used to know it when you were a child until your dad beat it out of you.
Freaking fantastic film… in a word: Transformative. And I hate hyperbole, but this one chins the bar. See it in 3D.
yeah, what Lindy said.
Jesus that was the most grating “review” I’ve ever read. You are not funny, you are not clever. Go fuck yourself. But I agree, Avatar is the shit.
Wow! Not only did i find this review insulting, it actually made me angry to the point where I actually had to post a comment on it. Granted, being a funny writer is something that is hard to achieve, you either have it or you don’t, and Lindy West, god bless her heart, just doesn’t have it. I think someone should sit her down and have a chat with her about how her reviews need to be a little more weighty and insightful rather than trying to be cutesy and funny by using stupid pop culture catch phrases such as “’bout it, ’bout it” and “realsies”. I know Lindy is probably a bright girl so she should do herself and stranger readers a favor and write like one.
Avatar ruled like no other move I’ve ever seen has ruled, and Lindy was right on. If I regret anything it’s being such a big dick to you guys over petty bullshit.
Avatar’s like the original Star Wars in terms of impact, at least it deserves to be. Even if it isn’t, fuck you losers, I love it.
Yes, if James Cameron were to eat “Star Wars” and digest it, the turd that would come out of his ass might be labeled “Avatar”. In terms of impact, that is(?)
God, what a hopeless piece of crap.
The animation in “Fern Gully” was more believable than the aweful CG in “Avatar”. Disgraceful.
Seriously, pull that guys directing license.
I understand the “Fern Gully” reference, but I picked up more of a “Pocahontas” vibe from Avatar. When the girl cat/alien took the avatar cat/alien to meet the chief, it was so damn predictable it the chief was girl cat/alien’s father. story was ok, and the graphics were amazing of course (I saw it in 3-D and I felt it didn’t add a damn thing to movie), but the chief’s daughter angle made me lose respect for the whole thing
How long has The Stranger been publishing articles scribbled by illiterate and gullible school kids who drink too much caffeine? I can’t remember the last time I read such a boring review here. I hope this is just a passing phase!
I also thought I was going to hate this movie–saw one trailer and said, “That looks like the stupidest crap I’ve ever seen.” Then I saw it, and loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it. Couldn’t stop thinking about it. Yes the visuals are great, but the story and the raw emotion of it knocked me on my ass. Your review is absolutely hilarious. Thanks for this! I like that you are at once realistic about the movies (I think purposeful) shortcomings, but still giving it the positive review it deserves, in a completely outrageous way. Good one. Hats off to you.