Though one might think my sole talent is monkey and poop jokes, I’ll have you know I’m actually extremely talented in one other area: ACTING!! Before I became America’s most unbeloved TV columnist, I was a practitioner of the THE-UH-TAH. (That’s “theater” for those who don’t speak “annoying.”) What roles did I play? WELL! Ever heard of a little play called Hamlet? Me neither. Sounds dumb and boring. HOWEVER! I have auditioned for many of the great community THE-UH-TAHS and once came very close to scoring the role of Eva Perón in the Dubuque Little Theater production of Evita. Ahhh… I remember the audition like it was yesterday… (INSERT WAVY “DREAM” LINES HERE).
I walked onto the empty stage and faced the musical’s director, producer, and pianist. Clearing my throat, I announced, “I am Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me and I am here to play… EVITA!” (I did that last part with an elaborate hand flourish.) Apparently, I’d yet to impress them, because I heard the director mumble, “Okay, Mister… ‘Hump-Me,’ was it? Let’s start with a song. Do you need accompaniment?” “Ohhhhhh, no, no, no, no, NO!” I laughed. “I brought my own!” And running offstage, I returned wearing a huge marching band bass drum, which I began loudly banging while skipping around the stage singing, “I feeel pretty! OH! So pretty! I feeeel pretty and witty and GAAAAAAY! And I pity…”
That’s about as far as I got with that particular audition. Obviously, my talent was too huge for Dubuque.
Anyhoo, I was reminded of my glory days in the THE-UH-TUH after watching the premier episode of Smash (debuting Mon Feb 6, 10 pm). Produced by Steven Spielberg, this dishy new series revolves around the backstage antics of a Broadway musical, and… WAIT! DON’T WALK AWAY YET! It’s not as terrible as it sounds! Debra Messing of Will & Grace stars as… WAIT! STOP WALKING AWAY! Give me a second! Messing is one half of a Broadway songwriting duo penning a musical about Marilyn Monroe, and… OKAY FINE, WALK AWAY. This is getting waaaay too hard to defend.
For those still reading (thank you, BTW): Before Messing and company can get their project off the ground, they have to battle a money-hungry producer (Anjelica Huston), a temperamental/horny director (Jack Davenport), TWO competing actresses (Broadway’s Megan Hilty and American Idol‘s Katharine McPhee), and a world (The World) that thinks this is just the most terrible idea ever.
HOWEVER! As it turns out, Smash is a pretty dead-on account of the petty backstage shenanigans that transpire on Broadway—and, to a lesser degree, theaters across the nation. Its characters are hilariously earnest, the music is pretty good, and everything is super-glitter-coated with a heapin’ helpin’ of GAY (in a good way). If you can make it past the first 20 minutes, there’s a good chance you may get hooked on its soapy charms. So unless you’d rather dig your eyes out with a rusty railroad spike than watch anything that has to do with the THE-UH-TUH, maybe give Smash a shot.
It’s somewhat better than me skipping around, banging a bass drum, and singing “I Feel Pretty.” 
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1
8:00 CBS SUPER BOWL’S GREATEST COMMERCIALS
Because homophobic Snickers ads are SOOOOOO FUNNY! ☹
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie vows to get Ann a date for Valentine’s Day… or… or… something else will happen!!
11:00 MTV I JUST WANT MY PANTS BACK
Debut! A twentysomething New York City slacker goes on a quest to retrieve his favorite pair of pants from a one-night stand.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick discovers a black-market scheme that provides monsters with human organs. Umm… hello? That’s called capitalism.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4
10:00 DIY THE VANILLA ICE PROJECT
Vanilla Ice and his crew redesign a kitchen. “Yo, VIP! Let’s kick it—with a granite countertop.”
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by the hunky (if not extremely likable) Channing Tatum!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5
3:00 NBC SUPER BOWL
Madonna will be singing! (And apparently there’s some sort of “football game” going on as well.)
10:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season premiere! Xtina and the gang return for another season of promoting the careers of people who will never become famous.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6
10:00 NBC SMASH
Debut! It’s like Glee—except 40 percent less annoying and 63 percent more gay. (In a good way!)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7
9:00 NGC DOOMSDAY PREPPERS
Debut! How crazy people prepare for civilization’s collapse. (Actually, I’m stockpiling Totino’s Pizza Rolls.)
9:00 ABC THE RIVER
Debut! A wife goes with a documentary crew to the creepy Amazon to search for her missing husband. (Needs more show tunes.)
I feeeel pretty (on Twitter): @WmSteveHumphrey
I think I see what your problem was with that audition. Those were the lyrics from the film version. In the theatuh, the song is sung in the evening, and it’s it’s “pretty and witty and bright” to rhyme with “tonight” and… yeah, even I’m walking away at this point.