I Love Television

Look, I have nothing against Shark Week. Indeed, this annual weeklong television tribute to those finny, ass-chomping murderers of the deep is just as anticipated in the Humpy household as Christmas, Easter, and all those other made-up holidays. HOWEVER! All I’m saying is that the Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal—for example, the weenie dog. DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, the far more dangerous animal of the two, and here’s my three-pronged proof:

Proof one! Unless you’re that dick Aquaman, how much time do you, the average person, spend in the ocean? Maybe 20 minutes per year, tops? Comparatively, how many times per year do you pass a weenie dog? I dunno… maybe 125? Therefore, your ankle’s chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than a similar attack from a shark. (Note: The previous statistic was pulled directly from my ass, but is nonetheless scientifically sound.)

Proof two! Weenie dogs are the worst. The worst dogs, yes. But also the worst anything. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There’s only one weenie dog race I love… and that’s when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It’s HILARIOUS!! (Racists racing are always funny. I can still hate them, though.)

Proof three! Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it’s usually because they’re starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people’s ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person’s ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will eventually teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!

That being said, Discovery Channel does not have a “Weenie Dog Week,” it has a “Shark Week”—so we’ll all just have to be satisfied with a week devoted to a less frightening, less violently bonkers animal. Here are a few documentary highlights:

Summer of the Shark (Mon Aug 1, 10 pm): In the summer of 2008, sharks inexplicably started attacking Australians like crazy. (This does not make sharks racist—everyone hates Australians.)

Killer Sharks (Tues Aug 2, 9 pm): In 1957, tourists flock to a posh South African beach, but, according to the press release, “It’s not long before the white sands are clogged with dead bodies and the sapphire waters run red with blood.” (That could easily be the inner monologue for any weenie dog.)

Rogue Sharks (Mon Aug 1, 9 pm): An examination into why sharks sometime go “rogue” and develop a taste for human flesh. A “rogue” in the weenie dog community would be considered friendly, obedient, and might even develop a taste for… oh, I don’t know… maybe Alpo in a can?