I Love Television

Okay, let me start out by saying that I have never—not even once in my life—masturbated in a movie theater. This is a point of pride for me, because I’m sure many of my readers can’t say the same. The way I see it, a movie theater is a sacred place, one filled with people who came to watch a movie and not necessarily to watch someone (not even me) masturbating. Besides, they build actual “masturbation theaters” (primarily used by unhappily married men, Christians, and Republicans)—so if you want to masturbate while watching a movie? I’d suggest one of those.

HOWEVER! This is NOT to say I’ve never been tempted to masturbate during a movie at a theater. For example, 1997’s Spice World—that movie starring the Spice Girls. (I kind of had a “thing” for Posh.) I was also tempted to masturbate during Schindler’s List—not because I was sexually excited, but because then I could say I was the only person in the world to ever masturbate during Schindler’s List. (As you can probably tell, my attempts to get into the Guinness Book of World Records have been unsuccessful thus far.)

That being said, I had a very close call the other night when I went to see Glee: The 3-D Concert Movie. As you may have heard, the Glee kids went on a summer concert tour singing all the hits from their show—and filmed the entire thing. AND… IT… IS… TERRIBLE!! Mostly.

In its favor, they didn’t invite Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison) along—probably because he’s old, white, and likes to rap too much. In its disfavor, and much like a regular episode of Glee, Mercedes (Amber Riley) and Kurt (Chris Colfer) were marginalized, while big-nose Rachel (Lea Michele) and not-really-handicapable Artie (Kevin McHale) hogged the stage like a bunch of stage hogs. SHUT UP ALREADY, HOGS!

But here’s the part where I nearly masturbated. Firstly, super-dreamy Blaine (Darren Criss) and the almost-as-dreamy Warblers performed two awesome songs, and I was like, “Okay… I can do this… I can not have to masturbate.” AND I DIDN’T. Which made me very proud. BUT THEN! The insanely—and I mean insanely—hot Brittany (Heather Morris) reprised her scantily clad Britney Spears “Slave 4 U” number from last season… and OH. MY. GOD. I was simply mesmerized, staring at the screen and softly murmuring “never stop, never stop, never stop” while simultaneously thinking, “Oh crap… I have to masturbate.”

And believe you me, I would’ve masturbated, too! I would have masturbated like a monkey hooked up to a Viagra IV drip! But THANK GOD, the scene ended, and was immediately followed by a cameo from the world’s most notorious boner murderer… GWYNETH PALTROW. I think she was singing some stupid Cee Lo song or something—but that’s not the point! The mere sight of Gwyneth Paltrow has the same effect on a boner as being splashed by a bucket of ice water carried by your nude grandfather. IT’S… GROSS.

So anyway, while I would happily agree to spend the rest of my life watching Brittany strangle baby ducklings, I can’t really recommend seeing Glee: The 3-D Concert Movie. Ultimately, it’s un-masturbatable.

And it’s no Schindler’s List.