Ladies… you’re lucky. Sure, you may be bashing your head on the glass ceiling at work and getting paid pennies to a man’s dollar—BUT! At least you have the Lifetime network. Billed as “Television for Women,” Lifetime features programming depicting women at their most heroic. For example, movies such as My Stepson, My Lover (ewww), Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story (aka the Amy Fisher flick starring—SQUEEE!—Alyssa Milano), and She Woke Up Pregnant (last time she’ll ever visit that dentist). As I said, you gals are lucky. Damn it, why can’t men have a network that spotlights how we’re victimized while inspiring us to work up the courage to kill our spouses?
OH! Speaking of Lifetime, the network has a brand-new show debuting this week called 7 Days of Sex (Thurs April 26, 10 pm). According to the Lifetime press release, this reality show will follow around a number of couples whose marriages are disintegrating. HOWEVER! Instead of taking the logical step (like… ohhh, I don’t know… maybe seeing a marriage counselor?), 7 Days of Sex challenges the bickering couples to rescue their relationship by—you guessed it! “Having sex for one week straight.” (As opposed to having sex for one week “gay”—which sounds more fun if you ask me.)
Now… this is a FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC IDEA! Obviously, the reason most women no longer want to have sex with their husbands is because they are not required to do so every single day. But now that they are required, women will finally realize what their marriage has been missing: a fat, sweaty, balding man with a small (but crooked) penis pumping away inside their vagina while mentally picturing the lesbian centerfold from the Penthouse magazine hidden beneath the bed.
In fact, this is such a FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC IDEA, I decided to try it on my three ex-wives. Yes… I know. They despise me. But! Up until now, I haven’t asked them to have sex with me every day for a week! Here’s the e-mail I sent to all three:
“Dear Ex–Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1, 2, and 3: I sense a growing tension between us. And while my near-constant philandering, alcohol/drug abuse, and ‘monkeys on roller skates’ obsession may be partially to blame, I believe I have the solution: Have rough, filthy sex with me every day for one week. Now, before you say ‘no,’ remember—Lifetime said ‘yes.’ And Lifetime is YOUR network! Therefore, it knows what’s best for you, and what’s ‘best’ is to have a weeklong marathon of sweaty, smelly sex on top of my crooked penis. I eagerly await your reply. Sincerely, your ex-husband Humpy.”
While waiting for their reply, why don’t I show you a slide show of my recent visit to a Honduran STD clinic, where… wait. THEY’VE REPLIED!!
“Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: You are hereby legally restrained from coming within 500 yards of my clients (Ex–Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1, 2, and 3). Expect severe legal repercussions if this order is violated by you or your crooked penis. Signed, Ian Larson, Attorney at Law.”
Huh.
“Dear ex–girl- and boyfriends of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1–327…” 
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25
9:00 ABC DON’T TRUST THE BITCH IN APARTMENT 23
James Van Der Beek is psyched for his new role in a body-switching film! (I hope he switches with Joey or Pacey.)
10:00 SYFY TOTAL BLACKOUT
Debut! A creepy competition where all the challenges take place in a pitch-dark room. Even creepier? It’s hosted by Urkel!!
THURSDAY, APRIL 26
9:00 BRAVO DON’T BE TARDY FOR THE WEDDING
Debut! One of the mentally challenged Real Housewives of Atlanta prepares for her wedding, and—that title is just mean!
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie faces Bobby Newport (Paul Rudd) in a televised debate! (SQUEEEEEE!! VOTE PAUL RUDD!!)
FRIDAY, APRIL 27
9:00 NBC GRIMM
A construction worker’s death brings reapers to town—and they aren’t shooting photos for Architecture Digest.
SATURDAY, APRIL 28
9:00 SYFY SPACE TWISTER—Movie
(2012) Didn’t I write a blurb for the Alien Tornado movie last week? THINK OF NEW IDEAS, GUYS!
9:00 A&E FLIPPED OFF
Debut! A new reality show about house flippers in Houston—because no one’s ever thought of this idea EVER.
SUNDAY, APRIL 29
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Sally Draper helps out a relative—perhaps with some small assistance from Seconal?
10:00 HBO GIRLS
OH, GREAT. Hannah’s got an STD. Luckily, I know of a great clinic in the Honduras…
MONDAY, APRIL 30
10:30 MTV MONEY FROM STRANGERS
Debut! A comedian offers people on the street money to pull pranks on strangers. This cannot end well.
TUESDAY, MAY 1
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Jess slides back into some old (which probably means “annoying”) habits.
9:00 VH1 UPRISING: HIP HOP & THE LA RIOTS
A doc about how hiphop reflected and influenced the famous riots—narrated by Snoop Dogg!
Mother… may I sleep with Twitter? @WmSteveHumphrey