I Melt with You: Almost the Showgirls of the Weekend-Warrior Set

Have you posted your 10 Worst Films of 2011 list on Facebook yet? If so, you might want to take that shit down before your aunt Ethel comments on it, because I’ve got a solid contender for your new number one. In I Melt with You, four unbelievably whiny men (Jeremy Piven, Rob Lowe, Thomas Jane, and Christian McKay) take a vacation together to do comical amounts of drugs and reminisce about the long-since-past days of their youth when they used to take vacations and do comical amounts of drugs. And none of these privileged, uninteresting fucks are fulfilled by their little lives—things just don’t feeeeeel as vibrant as they did when they were twentysomething—so they take it out on the locals and themselves. People start dying, and laughably bad dialogue, shameless acting, and pretentious directing tics ensue. If this self-obsessed piece of dreck had even an ounce of a sense of humor, it would stand to be the Showgirls of the weekend warrior set, a hilarious and shallow paean to dimwitted empowerment issues. As it is, it’s just a terrible, infuriating whine of a movie.