Okay. Clearly the ocean is awesome because it is filled with monsters. And otters. (And baby otters!) It’s really hard to fuck up the ocean, and it’s pretty much impossible to make visually stunning footage unstunning, which is why Oceans (the newest piece of nature porn from Disneynature, which released an underwhelming Planet Earth retread called Earth in 2008) is a totally okay thing to be around. Because duh. OTTERS.
Animals are weird, scary, funny, and good at their jobs. The best parts of Oceans include: marine iguana (smiley), horseshoe crab (alienz!), blanket octopus (why did no one alert me before?), blue whale’s gullet (swollen), mantis shrimp (gangsta), tiny ships in giant storms (the scariest thing that I have ever seen), baby turtles getting born and getting eaten (well, turtles are extinct now—are you proud of yourselves, frigate birds?). The worst parts of Oceans: the stuff humans did to it.
The problem is that—thanks to frenetic and uncreative editing—the movie reads exactly like that list of cool animals I made above. It’s essentially: Look at this crazy fish! Now look at that crazy fish! Look at this whale! What’s that over there? Fuck, it’s a shrimp! Look at it! Fuuuuuck!!! There’s no narrative through-line, no charming polar bear family to cling to, no genuine attention to science or real information of any kind. It’s just a visual list of cool fish accompanied by a series of dreamy, borderline-nonsensical statements “narrated” by Pierce Brosnan. “To really know the ocean, you have to live it.” Oh, do I? “The larva of a sea urchin is like an asteroid.” Is it, now? “The ocean smiles at the sky.” That doesn’t mean anything! “There is more than sharing going on in the ocean.” OF COURSE THERE IS. “If dragons really do exist, this is where you’ll find the narwhal, unicorn of the sea.” I’m pretty sure that is not even a human sentence. Are you a horseshoe crab? Are you Sarah Palin?
So, Oceans is dumb. But it is fucking gorgeous. Plus, you know. Otters. 
Hey, I liked him in “Bosom Buddies”. Oh, wait, My bad, Brosnan deserved that “drive by fruiting”.
Hmm, seeing as how it’s put out by Disney, I’d have to say that you probably thought it was dumb because it was intended as an entertaining beginner’s introduction to the ocean for AMERICAN CHILDREN.
It’s for the mind of a simple, naive, uneducated, young child who has to first be entertained with bright colors and unusual animals and emotional music before they’ll absorb any complicated information. If anyone older or more intelligent gets something out of it, great! But it’s not made for them exclusively. That much should have been obvious…
Why don’t you wake up, grow up and pull your head out of your ass before you commit your inane drivel to print? Either that or just let us know when you actually do learn something…
Going by this post, you can’t write. You write like a high school student scribbling in her diary. And going by everything else I’ve read from you, I’d fire your dumb ass if I ran this paper. Because, I literally learned nothing from your post… just sayin’!
hmmm I learned that I don’t want to see this movie as much as I did before. And that the state of American Children’s education must be pretty damn bleak. Thanks, Smarter Than Lindy!
Fuck Disney. Watch David Attenborough. For the oceans, “The Blue Planet” can’t be topped, though there’s loads of ocean scenes in his other series as well.
Hey, that’s how I felt about Robopop!
So, [Robopop] is dumb. But it is fucking gorgeous. Plus, you know. [Robots].
@2 +1
MAGIC EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH!
“It’s for the mind of a simple, naive, uneducated, young child who has to first be entertained with bright colors and unusual animals and emotional music before they’ll absorb any complicated information.”
@2 Wow. Have you ever met an actual human child before? Because what you’re describing sounds like a fucking orangutan.
Yawn.
Fnarf is right on. Catch “Life,” another Attenborough-narrated BBC series. There’s an entire episode devoted to fish and ocean life and it fucking blew our minds when we watched it. Gorgeous photography.
(“Plants” is another gem, which we watched last night — you wouldn’t expect it to be riveting, but it’s stunning stuff.)
Oh, and there’s also “Inside Life,” which I haven’t seen yet, but it’s a making-of-type documentary aimed at children. It sounds lightyears more engaging than Oceans.
Maybe because a film narrated by a bunch of unshaven Evergreen State college anarchists and radical environmentalists would actually do more harm to the environmental movement than good? Just a thought.
No one likes angry leftists besides other angry leftists. Same goes for rightists.
My kids will love this film an hopefully take the experience to understand the value of clean oceans.
“Have you ever met an actual human child before?”
She’s an angry feminist, children are iether:
1. a burden
2. a tool to be indoctrinated.
@10, describing David Attenborough (OM, CH, CVO, CBE, FRS, FZS, FSA) as an “unshaven Evergreen State college anarchist” is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said here, which is really something considering your track record.
@10 I was asking @2 if he/she/it has met an actual child. Apparently neither of you know how to read.
I think Lindy’s review was spot-on. Whenever someone “dumbs down” a film (or book or song) for kids, it just shows how little regard they have for children. As Fnarf and Gloria point out, there are a lot better options out there. I’d add Microcosmos to the list, as well as the new IMAX Hubble 3D.
I saw Oceans this weekend and was blown away by the amazing footage..and the incredibly inane pointless and bland narrative text. I can’t wait for the DVD to come out so I can watch it without voice over…
BTW This is not all that kid friendly. Orca and shark feeding scenes caused lots of screaming and parents leaving the theater with tearful tots.
” describing David Attenborough [] as an “unshaven Evergreen State college anarchist”
Show me where I said that? I grew up on “The World About Us”, please don’t lecture me on good nature programming.
Well, then, fuckhead @15, where did this unshaven etc. fellow come from? You brought him up, not I, as an example of what non-Disney programming would no doubt look like. Fucking hell, you’re stupid; you don’t even understand your own posts.
” where did this unshaven etc. fellow come from”
From Seattle! I believe he’s the Mayor too, now.
@17: Mike McGinn directs fish documentaries? This is all super interesting.
i took my kids to this – and there’s one teriffic line that you didn’t mention, lindy: “human nets are not made out of bubbles.” ah. yes. good point. also, human nets are not made out of rainbows. i didn’t learn that last one from the film, but i used my advanced human logic to figure it out, whereas fish and crazy lookin sea creatures and belching sea lions don’t have a clue about it. ha ha. stupid sea creatures.
“So, Oceans is dumb. But it is fucking gorgeous. Plus, you know. Otters.”
So, like Megan Fox then?
My favorite line by far was “human nets are not made of bubbles”.