Several points must be made right up front for the record, and they
are that being good with a gun, sword, or baton is not a mutation, and
that being able to do kung-fu moves all through the air is not a
mutation, and that putting a finger to your temple, squeezing your eyes
shut, and making whatever’s bothering you stop bothering you is not a
mutation unless just getting your way is a mutation. Some skills? Just
human skills. A human is amazing with a baton! Humans are the best
species out there at kung fu! But the real, big problem that kills
X-Men Origins: Wolverine is not even this. It is that every mutation is
a fighting mutation—just a plot device tailored to a crappy
action movie. Whatever happened to the little kid who could turn TV
channels with his eyes while he was up at night because he never needed
to sleep? Sure, the great director (Bryan Singer) of X-Men and X2 could
have weaponized that kid, but he didn’t, he just let him exist in the
parallel world that Singer used equally as an action platform and as a
forum for ideas about identity in the early 21st-century West.
Wolverine brings the intelligence of the first two X-Men movies,
which have been on a starvation diet since they switched directors for
X-Men: The Last Stand, to a serious new level of emaciation (under
director Gavin Hood). Relatedly: There is, in Wolverine, an extended,
scene-long fat joke. (Fat: not a mutation.) This movie cost over 130
million dollars. As a species, we have to lift our eyes upward and ask
ourselves: Whyyyyyyy?
Admittedly, this is a Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber film, and Hugh
Jackman and Liev Schreiber are lovely individuals to watch on a large
flat-screen for a variety of reasons. However, Schreiber’s wit is
swallowed whole by his facial hair. Jackman has, factually speaking,
not a single visible imperfection, but his kindhearted-killer character
is drab (to live the “good” life, he goes to work for a clear-cutting
company?), his history fighting in every war since the 1840s is reduced
to a soap-opera montage, the horrific surgery he has to go through is
reduced to a 30-second cosmetic procedure, and it is unclear whether he
is even killable, which reduces his vulnerability considerably. This is
also the sort of movie where rules that make no sense apply because the
script says they do. I would like to point out that even given the
circumstances I do not think that a bullet made of the indestructible
metal adamantium shot into the brain of a 150-year-old wolverine person
whose skull is lined with the indestructible metal adamantium would
cause amnesia.
There is more! Remember Brian Cox, that evil-faced actor awesomely
playing the eugenically minded American military colonel, Stryker? He
has been replaced by a man resembling a penguin. And at the end of the
film, Professor Xavier, played by Patrick Stewart, appears and speaks
two lines. Except, unless Patrick Stewart has been applying wax and
sunshine to the edges of his face, this is a CGI Patrick Stewart who
makes me want to kill all the mutants. Where’s Cerebro when you need
it? 
Also amusing is the nonsensical diversion featuring a kindly farm couple that take in the mysterious super-visitor, mostly in the movie to provide The Secret Origin of Wolverine’s Jacket From the Other X-movies, which he loses later in the movie, anyway.
Wolverine fighting in every American War should have been the entire movie, of course ending with the metal skeleton stuff.
I’m very sad that this movie appears to be so terrible. But I’m still going to go see it.
What did you expect from a movie with Ryan Reynolds?
Why is Jen Graves reviewing this movie? Or a better question would be why am I reading a movie review?
The old-school Wolverine from the 70’s and 80’s was a pretty complex character for a funnybook guy in yellow spandex. I’m sure they’ve distilled all the interesting aspects out of the character for the sake of making the film as stupid as possible as is Hollywood’s raison d’etre.
I don’t get it. I really loved the movie, as did my partner (who’s a film major) and the other friend we saw it with. I’m typically willing to accept that I have bad tastes (I LOVED Bad Boys 2) but this one doesn’t really seem like a stinker. For an action movie, I think it was pretty bad ass.
Plus, Hugh Jackman was fucking hot.
You forget that the director had to work with the accepted comic book story. Many of these characters and plot devices have been in place for years. Hard core fans would riot if Wolverine were anything BUT a lumberjack. Not because it makes sense, or has meaning, but because that’s how the story goes. Read the damn comic or talk to someone who has before ripping apart details included for real fans.
Admittedly I don’t follow the X-Men or Wolverine comic books, but I have been a pretty avid comic book boy for over 10 years now and I’ve never heard of Wolverine being a lumberjack before. They never really said what he did before the whole metal skeleton thing until a miniseries a couple of years ago so it’s not like they have to adhere to a 40 to 70 year back story like any of the other superhero movies.
I do wonder why Jonah or Paul weren’t sent to review this movie – they’d have the requisite background to make an educated and thorough review.
Clear-cutting? That just looks like reaching for something to bitch about. I get that the timber industry has a bad rap, but here in the modern age timber companies aren’t that evil anymore.
Dude.
It’s an action movie – made by a Hollywood studio – loosely based on a comic book that doesn’t count right now.
When X-men came out, all you wanted was more Wolverine and they deliver it here – and a brother to boot.
Facial hair?
Really? You’re going to waste our time griping about facial hair? Nucca please. Umm last time I checked “beasts” are spoz to have some fuzz – what do you wax to excess down there or what?
Good thing reviewers worry more about writing snark than actually reviewing.
The mooviee is fine. It’s not art house, it’s not Bauhaus, it’s not an edgy indy flick – all those exist and you can go see them. Meanwhile it’s a fine movie for what it is.
Whyyyyy you’re flucking self.
don’t hate a reviewer for giving an opinion, it’s part of the job description. If you are dying to go see this movie then don’t read a review that you know is going to be harsh, you will just end up feeling guilty for enjoying the movie.
Pay your 10 bucks, be entertained, leave the theater with a smile on your face, but don’t delude yourself into thinking Wolverine is a good movie, we all know it isn’t.
It’s ok to enjoy a shitty movie now and again.
I would consider the reflexes and strength to use a sword well enough to deflect incoming full-automatic machinegun fire at less than 30 feet a mutation. That isn’t just being good with a sword. And yeah, we saw mostly combat orientated mutations because Stryker was forming a strike team of military specialist. However you seemed to forget Bolt, their electrician of sorts. He is even very similar to your remote-control-kid.
I will agree though that the amnesia inducing bullets felt like a deus ex machina, tacked-on-at-the-last-minute method of trying to explain Wolverine not knowing his past. There is every indication the medical world these days that if after suffering brain trauma like that, you were able to regen like Wolverine, your memories would be fine.
@10: I am a comic book fan and aware of Wolverine’s history and that caused me to enjoy it less. I spent the whole movie thinking “Really? THAT’S supposed to be Agent Zero? Silver Fox is the sister of Emma Frost? Tactile hypnosis? What does that even mean?!?”
I saw it with three comic book fans and our reactions varied between bored(me), outraged, and vaguely amused.
It wasn’t horrible for an action movie, but there is something lame about the super power “deflect bullets with sword” or “shoot good.” It felt more like an over-the-top martial arts move than a mutant power.
Also, whoever did the visual effects for the adamantium claws needs to fired. Like yesterday.
Liev Schreiber needed a nice hairy chest scene as well. Looks like they trimmed the pubes a bit. 😉
Yep, it was Patrick Stewart, but it looked like he had some botox.
Well… I think it’s obvious that the author of this review doesn’t really know or understand X-men. It’s also slightly possible they have limited knowledge of comic books.
I enjoyed the movie. It did it’s job and made me hope for more X-men movies in the future. So many characters were portrayed nicely enough that it made me happy. I mean… it’s awesome enough that they had Deadpool in there.
And they’ve been experimenting with CGI on Patrick Stewart for the possible upcoming Magneto Origin movie. Better than finding a younger actor that is crappy at the role.
Not CGI, but “touch-ups” like a professional photographer might do before sending proofs out for order generation. Has been going on in Hollywood for years (decades?), but this is the first film to publically admit such. Patrick Stewart’s scenes were re-touched after filming during the editing process to make him appear to be about twenty years younger than he really is, to aid in the continuity of the movie, they did the same thing in that Benjamin Button thing that was all the rage a few months back. This isn’t new, but the studios are starting to admit that this is taking place
Whether the movie is any good or not doesn’t matter. Hugh Jackman is fucking hot.
@Big Zack @ 18 – they did it in the last X-Men film to Stewart as well when he visits Jean Grey’s family, I believe.
I appreciate Seling’s review. I agree and disagree with it. I also questioned the powers in the movie, but from the angle that the thing about Deadpool seemingly not having his own power initially (which I believe was a healing power like Wolverine’s, yet in the film he has to be given that power).
For the geeks out there or people who’d like to brush up on the Marvel Universe:
http://www.marveldirectory.com/index.htm