What’s up, bitches? Diane Keaton here. I just got back from seeing
The Women and, um, I couldn’t help but notice something: I AM
NOT IN THIS MOVIE. Where the fuck am I? I am the queen bee of this
shit. The hive mother. Annette Bening wishes she could smile
through her tears like Diane Keaton! You know the Meg Ryan character?
The one who spent her whole life trying to be everything to everybody
but somehow somebody is always disappointed? That’s like if my entire
oeuvre mated with itself and gave birth to a mega-me. I’m sure you
remember when Meg Ryan says, “Wouldn’t it be great if when you were
born, they gave you a rule book?” I am, like, ALWAYS saying that! I
should have mailed that shit to myself. Then there’s the Jada Pinkett
Smith lesbian (“If we’re lost, we both ask for directions”). I
could SO play that character. I invented lesbians. Look it up.
And the little girl who makes a tiny bonfire of tampons because she’s
just not ready to become a woman? Did you even THINK of casting Diane
Keaton in that role? No? Big. Fucking. Mistake. I can play young. Hey,
Hollywood. Write this down. Next time you make a two-hour vaginal
suppository that hasn’t met a feminine cliché it didn’t dip in
chocolate and shove down America’s gullet (smoking, shopping, cheating,
faked orgasms, diets, supermodels, bubble baths, hunger, water
breaking, Botox), maybe you should do your job and fucking call
Diane Keaton. Bitches.recommended

18 replies on “On Screen”

  5. Because if you were in this movie instead of Meg Ryan would have written this same review, if she weren’t too busy to type between Botox injections and failed relationships.

  8. So, its like, you know, this thing? I mean I went to my therapist and he said it is like my mother, only she was a really emasculating bitch diguised as a drag king Lesbian who couldn’t walk past a thrift shop without trying on Dacron buitton down shirts from Gimbels.

    You are that which nature abhors, a frozen asset.

  13. Diane Keaton, you will always be my vaginal goddess!! Now get in there a produce/star/write a film that shows those bitches where it is at!! And call me in to help you write it! I’ve got a whole oevre to draw from to. Let’s show em!

    Leesa Tee
    PS You are a rock star, D. K.!

  16. Funny, I would think that Ms. Keaton would be smart enough to know that an updating of The Women is a movie from which one should keep far, far away.

    Now if they were offering her the role of Mr. Morehouse (Mary Haines’s mother) in a version set in the 1930s (when the plot still made sense), I’m sure she would have handled it with skill and style.

    I’d love to hear Keaton deliver the line, “I’ve been to Olga too. Jungle Red.”

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