On Screen

You know what’s incredibly unfair? The fact that shitty,
sentimental holiday dramedies about the power of family—with all
of its pitfalls (cancer!) and quirks (Uncle Ted’s farts!)—have
historically been the exclusive purview of white people (and sometimes
black people). I mean, what about the boring, shallow, stereotypical
dinner-table bickering and weepy revelations of Latinos? What about
Uncle Fernando’s farts, I ask you? Eh? Por favor. Think
of los niños.

Well, justice has finally been served, Puerto Ricans! Your time has
come. Nothing Like the Holidays is a terrifically generic
family-dinner-table drama, complete with ethnic foods, macho
chainsawing (“I promised your mother a view”), homecomings, divorce,
secrets, where-are-my-grandbabies,
no-seriously-I-need
grandbabies-before-I-die,-I-am-going-to-punch your-face-right-
here-at-this-table-unless-you-become-impregnated-with-my-
grandbaby-immediately, and Puerto Rican stuff. It’s basically Heartwarming Family Movie Mad
Libs, fill in the Puerto Rican stuff.

Jesse, the youngest, is back from Iraq. Mauricio, the richest, has a
frigid white wife. Ozzy, the hottest, is tempted by the thug life. (“He
killed my brother, man.” “I guess it’s payback time.”) Mom is unhappy.
Dad just wants everyone to have a good time. The frigid white wife
loosens up. Jesse does not want to take over the bodega. Ummm, what
else? Oh, right, nothing. Nothing else. You have seen this movie a
bazillion times, only with “tuna casserole” or “kugel” instead of
“tostones.” Fill. In. The. Blanks.

There’s a fantastic ensemble cast—John Leguizamo, Freddy
Rodríguez, Elizabeth Peña, basically every Latino actor
you’ve ever heard of (plus some who just kind of look Latino and have a
mustache and are named Alfred Molina!)—wasted on this nothing of
a script. The best thing about Nothing Like the Holidays is Luis
Guzmán, who is almost always the best thing about everything
he’s in. The stuff that falls out of his giant head is hilarious. Like
when he tells Mauricio and that frigid white wife to get pregnant and
make some “kinda-sorta Ricans.” Welcome to the club, Latinos. The
sappy-full-length-movie-with-only-one-good-joke-in-it club.
Bienvenidos.