On Screen

Sorry, I don’t know the polite way to ask this, but does Jim
Caviezel have Asperger’s or something? He has this distant, flat
affect, and he looks at everything like it’s, I don’t know, a bug with
a human face. Or a layer of toilet paper stuck in his hamburger. Like
he’s kind of grossed out but also just doesn’t know what to make of it.
He just stares. Paaaaaaaause.

In Outlander, Caviezel is Kainan, a time-
traveling
spaceman who fell from space into the land of the Vikings, bringing
with him a bloodthirsty space dragon (thanks, asshole!), which he then
must teach the Vikings how to slay. It’s basically Beowulf meets
space—literally, the king is named Rothgar, played by John Hurt
with beardy gravitas.

Outlander is an action movie, so it’s hard to care about, and
all the Viking stuff makes it extra silly. (“We all saw Bjorn’s body.
He was clawed to death.”) But there are hot Vikings, and scary aliens,
and all in all it’s pretty fun. Except at the end, when Kainan must
choose: Should he go back to space or become a permanent Viking with
his busty Viking wife? Um, OBVIOUSLY SPACE. DO YOU WANT TO DIE
TOOTHLESS FROM DYSENTERY AT AGE 32?! Answer the question, Caviezel.
Jesus. Quit staring at me.