Hi, everyone. Thanks for coming. Before we get to the movie review, I’ve got a little HR paperwork to take care of. Specifically: YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND ESPECIALLY YOU ARE ALL FIRED FOR NOT TELLING ME ABOUT CHANNING TATUM’S HILARIOUS PENIS INJURY. Do I have to go over it again? There is only one rule in this office: ABC. Say it with me: Always Be Checking (on the state of Channing Tatum’s penis and alerting Lindy as to whether or not it is on fire). Put that mug down. Coffee is for penis checkers. You make me sick.
Apparently, during the filming of The Eagle (getting to that—calm yourselves) C-Tates’s penis—or, as I call it, the Royal Tater Tot—caught a bit of a chill. So some enterprising “crew member” (my money’s on Donald Sutherland, that mischievous imp) took it upon himself to grab a whistling kettle of water, pour it down the front of C-Tates’s wet suit, and thereby boil his penis alive like a fingerling potato or small mud lobster. “It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick,” Tatum told Details magazine (IN JANUARY OF 2010—FIRED!!!), adding, “I’m good… now. Now my penis is fantastic! One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach.” Thank you, Baby Jesus. I will never make fun of you for not existing ever again.
So anyway, the movie. Tatum plays this one dude named Marcus, a Roman centurion who volunteers to take charge of the jankiest, most-barbarian-surrounded Roman fort in all of Britain. The men of the fort think he’s just another soft, pink, bureaucratic ladyboy (“Where’s our newly minted commander?” “Probably unpacking his rule book“), so they’re shocked when he turns out to be megagood at impaling hill people. Secretly, though, Marcus is only there because he has a plan to climb over Hadrian’s Wall and find this stupid golden eagle baton that his dead dad lost two decades earlier.
Before he can get going on his plan, however, Marcus is wounded in battle and has to go lie down for a while. The Romans award him the Bangle Bracelet of Conspicuous Gallantry and pack him off to kooky Uncle Sutherland’s house to eat grapes and bang wenches until the end of time. Then Marcus cries for 100 days because all he can think about is those dirty Scottish cave mutants playing with his dad’s sparkly eagle rod. So as soon as he can, he takes his slave/BFF Billy Elliott and heads north.
Basically, this is a buddy-cop comedy about imperialism and mud. To its credit, The Eagle does touch on the fact that Marcus wouldn’t have to ride into hostile territory to steal his dad’s eagle staff back from those barbarians if his dad hadn’t marched up there in the first place to bonk said barbarians to death with said eagle staff. Dummy. On the other hand, C-Tates only takes his shirt off like once and boinks exactly zero
feral mountain ladies. Rip-off. I give this movie a B. And, yes, you are still fired. 
He only takes his shirt off once? What does he do for the rest of the movie? Act?!*
I found this as difficult to type as you think it did.
know what’s good with tater tots? ketchup.
“Basically, this is a buddy-cop comedy about imperialism and mud.”
I love you Lindy West!
BWAHHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, there’s no content in my comment. But the review is veryveryveryvery funny AND a masterpiece of economy (only 522 words!).
A sidekick says Slog needs a “BWAHHAHAHAHA!” BUTTON. There’s some content!
That is all. (BWAH HA!)
Scotland 1, Romans and Tatum Channing’s dick, 0.
What was this written by a 12 year old girl? Geez Stranger you really have sunken to new lows of journalism. Does anyone there know anything about running a newspaper? What the fuck?
I liked this movie better when it was the series Rome on HBO.
@6 yeah forget all that. these guys believe themselves to be too hip to have to actually know anything about writing or journalism. God forbid this fishwrap actually has some sort of meaning or substance other than juvenile rantings, raves and teeny bopper movie reviews. oh well so it goes. it is fun to read sometimes. I also use it to wipe my ass with when I go camping which is probably the best purpose this fishwrap has. besides well being a fishwrap.
I just don’t let it bother me. Worse things out there than a bunch of hacks who believe themselves to be writers but their writing only proves them to be hacks.
I saw on Thursday and I’m glad I had free tickets.
I was hoping for a cheesy peplum or a Roman Rambo. Instead, it’s a movie that shows us the evils of imperialism, explains to us exactly why it’s bad and then doesn’t give a shit in the end.
Also, the savages look like white people when they lose their make-up, so they weren’t really evil.
Awkward and boring.
When’s the article titled VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA
coming out?
Um, sirkowski, as for the savages looking like white people…the natives of Soctland during the Roman conquest, ie. the Caledonians, were described as being tall and generally red-headed. They were white people. This is Scotland we’re talking about, not S.America.
Hahahahaha.
That’s all.
A play to Celtophilia in the U.S.? Those manly, savage, Scots dealing with Roman lady boys….who aren’t Italian. If it uses the time honored tradition of the Romans actually having English accents and being, well, English, we might be dealing with another manifestation of bad English people exploiting virtuous Scots, only in Roman form. Not saying that they didn’t actually do that, but it plays well in Peoria, where many people’s “Scottish Heritage” involves sending away for an Authentic Tartan Pattern from a mail order genealogy place and watching Brave Heart….another movie.
I sure as shit wouldn’t want to put that in my mouth!
Boiling water on penis: HILARIOUS.
Lindy West: SO CLASSY.
Fat people: so, so off limits.
Moral high ground: looking pretty swampy, isn’t it?
(thanks to seeker6079 for pointing this out)
Disce Pati, dear penis, disce pati.