Porn!

A new self-help book just hit the stands, with a most impressive
title, How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom
for Men Who Have Too Much. It’s a book for all the long-suffering men
afflicted with OMG (Oversized Male Genitalia)—a genetic birth
defect thought to affect over one million males nationwide—and
those are only the reported cases. How to Live with a Huge Penis offers
tons of insightful tips such as “during sex, let your partner set the
pace,” “don’t unzip in anger!” and “avoid holidays.” It provides advice
for men who encounter hurtful huge-penis slurs like “Hoco” (a
derogatory term and abbreviation of “horse cock”) and “Louie” (derived
from “Louisville Slugger,” the world-famous manufacturer of baseball
bats). There’s even a daily affirmation journal in the back, complete
with key phrases to get you writing, such as “Other huge things that
God made are…” “My penis reminds me of the following celebrities…”
and “I shouldn’t fellate myself today because….”

The book retails for $12.95. I daresay it’s the perfect gift for
just about any guy, uh, whether or not he actually needs it.

In addition, I think men who suffer from OMG might also find some
comfort in My Top Five Favorite Huge-Penis DVDs. I mean, sometimes half
the battle is knowing that, hey, man, YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

5. Son of Blackzilla: A self-professed “only 18 and every MILF’s
dream” named Skeeter “drops the bomb on your mom.” Hey, feel better
OMG—at least your name’s not Skeeter.

4. Porn Stars Like It Big, Vols. 1–4: If anyone knows how to
handle OMG, it’s a professional. Watch and learn, my friend.

3. Wadd: The Life and Times of John C. Holmes: This nonpornographic
documentary is worth watching for no other reason than to remind
yourself that, even considering the most stressful times you have
suffered (or ever will suffer) due to OMG, you probably won’t ever
become (a) a heavy drug user, (b) witness to a murder, and/or (c) a
person who dies alone from HIV because your lunatic ex-porn-star
girlfriend won’t allow any of your friends to visit you in the
hospital.

2. She’s Hung Like a Horse!: Hey, that giant penis of yours might
make things confusing and difficult at times, but what if you had a
giant penis AND fake tits?!

and…

1. Beauty and the Beast: Whether or not Long Dong Silver was fake
doesn’t matter. Watching this all-out freak show will instantly make
you feel better, much like an alcoholic does watching Barfly, Leaving
Las Vegas, or my favorite, If I Should Fall from Grace: The Shane
MacGowan Story. Remember: It might be bad, but it’s not THAT bad.